It has been a while since I posted here, as things have been much better. When DS turned 14 he rebelled and was out of control for a while - it was hell. We had aggression, holes in walls, drinking, drugs, staying out all weekend, school refusal, trouble with police and clear mental health issues.
For almost a year now things have been so much better. He's not been going out much at weekends, hardly been drinking, staying away from drugs, been very pleasant to be around, focusing on school and we've had no anger outbursts. There have been the odd mishap when out drinking, but mostly no issues.
The improvement clearly came along with having a girlfriend. She was here a lot and he seemed happy with that. However they have broken up recently, and the last two weekends he's been out with his friends again. Also in the weekdays, he's been down at his friends a lot after school. He seems to have missed them. His now ex-girlfriend hates drinking/drugs ams wanted them to stay here instead. This suited me very well, I feel I've had a years respite.
The improvement also came along with me stepping back. When I first discovered he was experimenting with drink/drugs I came down on him guns blazing. I grounded him, stopped his money, spoke to the school, took him the GP, called the police if he refused to come home, searched his room etc. We fought like cat and dog, and neither would back down. It was the worst time of our lives as a family. He was told by family liason officer that unless he started following my house rules he could be taken into care. I was told by social worker that because of his age and temperament, coming up to 15 then, I couldn't control his behaviour only my response to it. He told me to let him go a bit, and so did the police... I employed a different tactic, which was to stop fighting with him, and instead take a supportive stance. I stopped searching his room, and actively supported him and trusted him instead. Letting him know that the choices he made were his own and that I would always love him no matter what, but that if he got in trouble with police etc. it would be out of my hands.
I had been going out looking for him at weekend nights and had the police drag him out of a party. He ran off and the next night vandalised property with another boy. He was charged for this and being in possession of cannabis. I didn't know what to do. I was also extremely mortified, as we not a typical troubled family, but all is otherwise well. Still I was embarrassed to go to the shops. I realised he had to take responsibility for his actions, not me.
Now, coming up to 16, and without his girlfriend, he's been back out drinking with his mates. I am terrified that we are going to relive the nightmare we went through, or that he will become a drinker... Since that time, I've not been able to say to him, 'no, you can't go out with your friends' because he took that power and freedom during his rebellion. He is keen to get his own place, and if he had the money he would move out the day he was 16. I am so struggling with him being out at night at a party, not knowing if there's drugs or if he would take them again.
I see posts from people's teens drinking small amounts of alcohol and involved in sports and other activities, and I feel rotten inside. There are plenty of teens around here much worse than mine, and many were younger than mine was when they started going out partying. And I know it's 'normal' for a 16 year old to go out drinking, but I find it so hard. I don't sleep at all when he is out. It's horrible.
Just needed to get that off my chest as no one I talk to about it makes me feel any better - just worse. Especially my family.
Anyone else struggling with similar issues?