Please can someone help us....

[TapasGirl]

DS15 - DH had call from school today to ask him to come in. DS15 has been caught selling weed. He has been told to go home and will be expelled.

We are devastated.
Knew DS was no angel but this is just the worst thing and I don't know what to do.
DS said he just wanted to look 'cool' - very easily lead, eager to impress his peers etc etc. Had so many issues with his school life. We are always in and out of School but it has been low level messing around so far. We have really tried to make him realise that it is so important to get some good grades - he does struggle.
We have asked the Head Master that if we withdraw DS before they make the decision to expel would this help and he has said that if we do this he will write him a reference without the mention of today's issue. So I have done that but am not sure where to go from here.
I'm not here to be flamed what he has done is unforgivable. DH has been in tears and usually he is so strong.
I would really appreciate it if someone could hold my hand and tell me what I need to do and also of any light that might be at the end of this bloody dark and lonely tunnel.

Thank you x

Find out what the behaviour issues are. Find out if:

1. He has a control issue based around distrust of adults and therefor authority. If he's talking back, walking out of class, telling adults 'you can't tell me what to do' sort of thing. If he has this he needs counselling, but this only works if he is actively engaged in the process.

or

1. If he has an undiagnosed SEN such as dyslexia, dyspraxia, discalculia or adhd. These often occur together so he may have more than one. In this case, he may have disengaged from school and have low self esteem, so he uses the peer dealing to boost his self esteem. If he has a learning difference you can do a lot to help him - get extra tutoring, buy him extra books and materials to help him - and thus increase his sense of esteem and personal sense of worth. Find out what he would like to be if he could be anything and what he thinks he can actually achieve. He may think he is not going to achieve much and you can turn this around for him and give him a sense of purpose.

Also, you need to find out if he is either the leader or if some other child has spotted him as vulnerable and is using him. The latter is a form of abuse. I would want to know exactly what was going on: where he got the weed from, who was selling to him and asking him to sell on. He may have been preyed upon by older pushers at the school gates. As he's a child under 16 I would want the police to find out who got your son involved in this. Your son may be afraid to give you these details.

You can get advice from SENDIASS (ex Parent Partnership). They would know the law and give good advice but may not be contactable every weekday - ours isn't. But once in touch we were given a case worker and their contact details which meant we had access every day. Haven't experience expulsion bit dd was moved on a managed move to another school. (The allegation made would have been against the law ie assault but there was no evidence (no injury) so no chance of that in her case).

What a horrible situation, especially so close to GCSEs. You have my sympathy. (Other kids must be at fault too since he presumably had customers?)

Definitely don't withdraw him. He's nearly at the end of school now and just needs to keep his head down for a few more months. Ask the school if they can do a managed move, they will work with other schools in the area who will take him. He wouldn't necessarily get permanently excluded from his current school but it does sound like he could do with being less comfortable and a move would probably do him good. It's really hard but try and stay calm, although it feels awful now it's not the end of the world and you have more chance of influencing him if you don't over react. Good luck!

I know of someone whose DS was caught dealing and the school arranged a 'managed move' to another school in another town which got him away from the bad influences which had lead to his situation.

Is this an option?

I feel bad for you. You've had some good advice and I hope this is a wake-up call for your DS. How does he feel about it?
I agree with others that you shouldn't think of him as 'soft'. Dealing drugs is full-on and he must have known he could be prosecuted/expelled. My DN has gone through a rough patch involving weed, but she's not stupid and was completely aware of what she was doing too. Lovely girl, but also doing it for the 'cool' factor. Not so cool for her when she got caught.

I'm a teacher who deals with permanently excluded pupils.
Dealing drugs is automatically a permanent exclusion. There is no way around this. I would withdraw your child as a permanent exclusion for dealing will affect your child's future.
Which area are you?

But what do I do with him in terms of future support for his education. If I withdraw him we are on our own and the LEA will not support my DS going forward.
I have tried to see if a couple of independant schools will place my DS but they won't take him on at his stage of year 11.
Have tried to find a home tutor to see him through his GCSE's but there doesn't seem to be any which can help within our area and he does struggle with his studies.
We are in Northamptonshire.

Hello

Re the PRU, my son is transitioning into a PRU. He will join small group for young people with similar difficulties. There are professionals on site and I am hoping he will access some of the counselling provision.

We had help from social services and police involvement. I agree with the others, do not carry through the voluntary withdrawal. If your son is easily led and has little concept of friendship, there could be underlying issues. Have you thought of seeking a referral to CAMHS?

Drugs are a huge problem in secondary schools.
I would worry that he is being scapegoated.
He must have got the drugs from somewhere. Is he savvy enough to find a supplier outside school and set up his customers all on his own?
I wouldnt be surprised if he is just being used by someone older. That person could be inside or outside the school.
Is the HT investigating further or is excluding your ds the only action being taken?

It is from inside the School. DS said it was the first time although he is still saying that what he sold was a bag of herbs as a joke. Someone asked him if he knew anyone who could sell them some weed as knew he had smoked it at a party (we didn't know this until recent events when he has had to fess up to a few things).
He said that he felt bad about selling the other person a bag of herbs and tried to give her the £10 back. Not sure what the truth is but I do believe this was a one off (which could have lead to more misdemeanours had he not been found out - the only positive thing to come out of this sad story).

He doesn't need the money - he freely admits this.

When we asked if the HT was going to exclude both the sellers and receivers(there are quite a few who have also had fixed term exclusions until the meeting with the Governors in the new year. One of these accused of selling and the remaining 5 for buying) on a permanent basis we were told that the buyers would probably not be as this was not as bad as providing the weed.
It is a mess

HH thank you for telling me about your DS moving to a PRU. The HT said that my DS would not survive in ours which really concerned me as not really sure there are any other options.
He is easily led and we are having a full assessment for ASD in early Jan. We are having to go privately as CAMHS help will be a long way off.

I am also thinking of sending him on a Camp for troubled teens in the Summer. A company runs week long camps for up to 4 boys where they have lots of 1-1 counselling and are set tasks (lots of walking) to help them to understand what they are actually capable of doing. Does anyone else have any experience of these camps?

Hi,

My son is ASC (refuses formal diagnosis but has had initial assessment from Psychologist) and the small group is a 'medical group' provided for young people who would not be able to cope with the main PRU.. However, at 19, it may be that any PRU would not be an option for your son. Ours only takes students up to and including Year 11. The camp sounds really interesting. I have thought about the Prince's Trust programme for our eldest (also NEET at 17), but I am still not sure if he would cope.

One thing that stands out clearly is that you are totally committed to helping your son and you are so aware of his difficulties and his potential.

Remember to look after yourself as well.

From experience as a Teacher in a PRU if you don't withdraw him the PRU is where he will be sent. There is nowhere else and no funding. There he will fall into the hands of teenagers with extreme issues etc.
You could look if there is a free School or a Studio School in Northampton these are often low in numbers and may be willing to take your Son on roll.
Managed moves are not an option as they remain on the roll of the original School.
Drug dealing is an automatic Pex. I know it's not want you want to hear.

Sorry about the error in my previous post. I do not know what made me think your son was 19.