13yr old dizzy day dream

[fr0d0]

I'm worried a lot about my 13yo daughter. Or just her apparent lack of focus.

War is waging currently with her mum. We live apart since 5 years ago now, although I see both my son and daughter daily, I couldn't bear not to, and my wife and I are on very good terms. The battle is over homework and catching the bus to school.

Since the clocks went back daughter has caught the school bus a handful of times. Mum charges daughter taxi fare @ £3 or£20 depending on how late/ far the journey is.

Privileges are revoked: no smart phone until 6 successful journeys. Grounded. I've bought daughter a basic phone so at least have emergency contact.

Homework my daughter says she enjoys. But she spends all of her available spare time on it. Weekends and holidays are taken up with it, and still it might not be finished.

She's a good student at school. Her results are good. All that counts against her is late or missing homework or forgetting things.

I'm worried because all of our interaction seems to be becoming negative. Always criticism and correction when I want to be encouraging and supportive.

I wonder if mums treatment of her is appropriate. The level of punishment just seems to ramp up in intensity. It's not been successful yet this impressionable teen-ager is subject to increasing levels of punishment without end.

I wonder shouldn't punishment be quick and poignant rather than long drawn out and permanent.

Please help

Yes, punishment should not be drawn out and permanent. But the only example you gave no phone until 6 successful journeys to school seems appropriate punishment, the length of which is 100% controllable by dd (6 days to forever!), and directly related to her misbehavior.
Could it be that dd is just being a teen? They are difficult, argumentative and lazy, but that is no reason to let her get away with inconsiderate behavior. I think mom is doing the right thing.

It's not how I would handle things tbh but then I tend to think if a punishment works it doesn't need repeating. So if dd is being repeatedly punished for the same thing then the punishment isn't working and really you should be looking for underlying causes and putting in place some sort of support systems.
Could your dd have Attention Deficit Disorder/ Dyspraxia/ Petit Mal Epilepsy? All these are possible reasons for a lack of attention, poor organisational skills, day dreaming. Has she seen a doctor at all? What sort of support systems are in place to help with her organisation and planning? Using checklists/ whiteboards and a schedule for her could help enormously.
Of course at 13 many if not most dc can organise themselves but some need extra support to get them there. Maybe your dd, like my dd, needs help and support to give her the strategies to organise herself in future.

The punishments just seem to be relentless. If it's not one thing is another. Both mum and daughter are extremely strong willed. Neither ever backs down. Nobody wins. We just get and ever escalating situation and mental pressure which I don't feel is healthy for anyone.

If a tactic is unsuccessful. Give it up and try something else. For instance.. catch the bus and keep your phone. Miss the bus and lose it. Immediate pain or gain, not torment.

The school counseller saw my daughter but didn't think there was a problem. I spoke to the attendance officer and she arranged for DD to see the school nurse about sleeping. (dd never gets enough sleep/ can't get to sleep/ tried all sorts for that).

dd is very distracted all of the time. She gets very involved in her own thoughts. When time comes to do something it's a surprise and something she's never prepared for... like going out, getting out of the car when we arrive somewhere, going to lesson at the end of break...

Mum comes across as a hypochondriac.. doctors seem to be rolling their eyes when we see them. She makes a big fuss about milk intolerance and her and my son are now not allowed milk. Nothing ever proven.

I like the idea of support systems. My daughter is clever and send to get most people running around after her. Her best friend is like a second mum dragging her off to lessons and reminding her to do things. I have no ideas on what to try though..

Perhaps you could speak with her mother and raise your concerns. I'm useless with punishments tbh can't say I've ever used them. Dd13 reminds me of the time I made her sit on a chair (she was nearly 3) as being the time she was punished. She's pretty lovely regardless and we have a good relationship so not sure that punishments are a necessary evil.
I don't think any child deliberately and repeatedly does the same offence that they know will result in a punishment so would be looking for underlying reasons. Surely the child's mother can't be happy with the way things are and I don't imagine your daughter is either. Have you spoken to the school at all as I'd imagine the lateness and missing homework has been noticed?

Well for dd we have whiteboards one on her bedroom wall, one near the front door and a basket. On the one in her bedroom there is her timetable and her homework is written on as she gets it with the date it is due. Homework only gets rubbed off when it is done. Bag is packed in her room in the evening. She ticks off books.planner, pencil case and purse only when they are in her bag. The bag goes in the basket near the front door.
On the whiteboard near the front door for each day there will be a list of what is needed so Monday says bag, PE kit, lunch. On Sunday evening PE kit gets put in the basket. Before she leaves on Monday morning she checks the list gets lunch from the fridge picks up bag and PE kit as she leaves. Over time it's become routine and she is needing less support so it's working for us and saves no end of nagging and last minute panics.

Thank you. Yes I've spoken to school. I work there too!

The relationship seems good with mum otherwise. DD is pretty thick skinned.

I think dds actions are just her nature. I can't help but sympathise.. i was much the same. Didn't see the urgency/ quite imaginative as all children are I guess/ was often lost in my thoughts. I struggle to get up these dark cold mornings.

I like the whiteboard ideas.. will suggest to mum.

Apparently we tried the whiteboard trick. I remember now, although it was small, dd insisted on filling it in herself but then wasted all her time on that rather than the tasks... homework didn't get done.

dd's worked out that if she doesn't write down homework in her planner then she doesn't get points deducted by teacher for not having a tick next to completed work. Result being she can't remember what homework she's got! I need to have a word with her teachers.