Violent teenage daughter

[birchykel]

My 14 yr old girl has always had anger issues, her dad left when she was 2 and he saw sometimes but turned out he was being abusive towards her so she decided she didn't want to see him anymore (i wouldn't have let her go either even if she did want to go back).
So she has a lot of anger, she gets scared of myself or her step dad tell her off for things which is a natural reaction however it's getting to the point where we are becoming scared of her.

Example:
She was asked to do something, she said no I'm not (in the normal teenager attitude voice), and so I asked again, her step dad told her to help out but she shouted at him then stomped down the stairs....Normally I would leave it because with her she needs time to digest things and think about what she should do, however on this occasion I had had enough. It 9.30pm we had sat down and gone through our finances to see if we could afford a school trip that is costing hundreds of pounds and I felt so annoyed that she had disrespected us.
So I went in her room and told her I wasn't happy and that in this house we are a team and help each other....I got a whole load of abuse, swearing etc she screamed at her step dad that he is shit, fuck off even called him an abusive parent!!!! (She knows what an abusive parent really is from past experiences with her real dad). I was so mad at her, she stormed into the garden where I tried to calm her down. But when I tried to hold her and say just go to bed she bit me and started screaming again.
Basically I got kicked, hit in the face and water thrown over me. My OH had to grab her and get her in her room where he really shouted at her for what she was doing.

Sorry I've gone on and on.

I take my daughter counselling every week, we have both learned a lot from it and this hasn't happened for a long time. So I'm gutted it happened last night, after so long of being calm.
I obviously know I messed up by going and trying to talk to her while she was angry, usually I leave her to get on with it and once calm we talk. It's so difficult because there is a part of me that is happy to do that because it works but on the other hand I feel disrespected, and I'm the parent on egg shells while she can do what she wants.

I don't know what to do, she has a 5 yr old sister who hears and has in the past witnessed her behaviour.

Some of this is normal teenager stuff, some of it is because of her past but she can't go around using it as an excuse for her lashing out.

Any advice would be gratefully received or if there is someone out there with similar issues I'd love to chat. Feeling so lonely and like the worst parent in the world.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid but I have been through a very similar situation with my own DD. We had a lot of problems with violence from her, mainly targeted at her dad and I know that he found it very hard. One particular night she pulled the kitchen cabinets doors off and literally trashed the kitchen by throwing things around.

I almost reached breaking point and used to sit in the car and cry thinking it would never end.

However she is now 18 and has turned into a lovely young woman. Thinks started to get better about a year ago and now I have almost got to the stage where I can relax in the home again -the trauma did affect me and I still worry it will return but that worry is starting to fade.

We also had a younger daughter who used to hide in her room crying, but she doesn't seem to have suffered long term except for saying she doesn't want to be a teenager if that's what happens to you!

Hold in there it will eventually get better.

It sounds terrible for all of you. One thing I'd say is that I was physically abused as a child and it left me with a lot of anxiety about conflict, as well as anger issues of my own. Obviously as an adult I don't have teenage emotions but even now, when I'm upset, the absolute worst thing anyone can do is put their hands on me, in however loving a way. My reaction of fear and desperation to escape can only be described as primitive, as your dd's seems to have been.

Could she be depressed?
I did similar as a teenager. At 18 I was diagnosed with severe depression that, with hindsight, had actually been going on for years.
I have relapses every now and again and one of the first symptoms to appear is a short temper.

Just want to second Breagha85. I think your dd might be depressed. I know that in teens depression is often expressed as anger. I myself was an angry teen and it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that I was depressed.

Thanks for your replies,
She goes to see a counsellor every week which has helped a lot.
I do worry she could be depressed, she lost her grandad and walked away from her real dad and his family all at the same time. Must be hard for her.

i know I have to walk away when she gets angry, so even me putting my hands on her to calm her down isn't going to help I guess sometimes in the moment it's hard. Thanks 'tired17' good to know it may get better. Glad your daughter has turned a corner.

I just feel like what other parent would put up with this, but then what would they do?

Thanks again

I am a single mother of two children (one for 15 years and one 10 years) since being a single parent I had one 6 year long relationship and now after two years being single have had a year of the best relationship, I have (although being wrongs and abused) always been very calm and never let the kids see any negativity unfortunately my daughter (now 3 months short of 18) has been in a bad relationship for 1.5 years! It only became bad (that I saw) 8 months ago! Since then she has been physically abusive to me and mentally (lots of name calling and personally hurtful draining things), she ended the relationship 4 months ago and got a job and I got her enrolled in college she grew a group of good friends and met a lovely guy! After a short time the behaviour started to slip again and I discovered she was back with the guy and had lost her job, she is back being aggressive and nasty and I am struggling, she left home earlier in the year for a few weeks and I let her back with no consequences but she left again two nights ago because I said being unemployed due to her need to see her boyfriend was unacceptable, I don't know how to help her and we have minimal family but I need to help her and don't know how to. Please tell me someone else has been through this?

Apologies I am new to the site and mis posted

You should have given her space in the garden. You know this already. It's pointless trying to rationalise with someone in the midst of anger. You won't resolve anything!!! You also need space to help you reflect on how to deal with things constructively. Because in many ways you're doing what she's doing - acting without controlling impulse. You need to roll model how to resolve things in a rational calm caring positive way.

The more awful she is, the more she needs attention and care.

I would also agree with her or empathise/sympathise when appropriate.