I currently really dislike dd at the minute

[StressedOuMyMind]

And I feel awful but I am at the end of my tether with her vileness...

I do love her, of course I do. And tell her every day. When she is in a reasonable mood we get on ok, go shopping, watch tv, have lunch out, etc.

But the mornings are awful. She is in year eleven so I get it's stressful. She hates school, there are bitchy girls in her class who are low level nasty.....but not anything the school are interested in. Dd is on a waiting list for counselling with school as she gets down about it. Ive done all the positive chats, etc. She will be moving school after her gcses.

So every morning I get tears of not wanting to go to school. I'm in and out her room for ages nagging her to get up. Calm and firm initially that she has to go yo school. This often deteriorates into her starting full on screaming, worse than any toddler tantrum. Snot, tears, screaming but then when I start telling her off she says she's in pain. Starts clutching her chest, curled in a ball and screams and screams and screams. I don't believe she's in pain as it comes on and off like flicking a switch. She has been to the drs numerous times and they can't find anything wrong and mutter that sometimes teenagers get unexplained pain or growing pain. Of course she fixes on this to say the drs say it's real. But it's funny it only happens in the morning when the school refusal is an issue.

So this morning I try being firm but sympathetic. I give her a painkiller, I'm called a cunt and a bitch. The screaming carry on. I tell her to sit up because being curled in a ball will make it worse. Inget screamed at that I'm a fat cunt who knows nothing. So by now I'm losing my temper and shouting back.

Dh is useless, just yells me yo stop shouting at dd that I'm making it worse. Logically I know he's right but her negative, defeatist attitude is wearing me down. I'm seriously thinking of sending her to boarding school in Sept. partly because I think she needs to grow up but also because I just can't stand her when she's like this. I'm hoping a new school will improve things but am worried it will be the same.

The other thing I'm thinking about is pulling her out of school now which she would be delighted about. Putting her in a different school in town, but am well aware that a term before her gcses is not an ideal time to move school. Especially when this school don't even offer at GCSE one of the subjects she's taking.

Just don't know how the hell I can keep going.

Oh that sounds rotten op. Poor her. Perhaps it is normal (although sounds like more than low level bullying to me). Could you home school her until June? Or come to some sort of semi-detached arrangement with school? The pastoral care doesn't sound good where she is now.

Or change schools now (re-sit one year of necessary) and find a college where she could do photography course separately perhaps?

That isn't low-level nastiness at school, it is full-on bullying. No wonder your dd is distressed, poor thing, and struggling to bring herself to face it every day.

Yes, you need to chase up that appointment ASAP really.

If she's like this again tomorrow, then I would suggest that you let her off school for the day and call in sick.

Could the doctor sign her off sick for a couple of weeks - perhaps even until Christmas? Then you could reasonably ask the school to set her work she can do at home.

Things might calm down after the break. And realistically she would only have one more term to go, because they probably go on study leave anyway soon after the start of the summer term.

It's more than possible to do photography GCSE out of school, there are ways and means. Plenty of home - ed kids do all sorts of GCSEs at random times, not necessarily when they are 16.

It sounds like terrible anxiety, if school won't address I'd definitely consider moving her now. I'm fairly sure treating her like a toddler won't help.

I think you need to push harder with school, even if they don't see the behaviour of the other girls as anything to bother with, your DD is suffering and needs support. Have they done anything in the six weeks?

A chat with GP may not be a bad idea of her anxiety is becoming detrimental to her wellbeing.

No excuse for the rudeness, but she sounds like she's really struggling. Not sure telling her to grow up is really what's needed.

I went through something similar with DD1. Refusing to get into the car, crying hysterically, even running off at the time we were due to leave for school. It was terribly stressful and upsetting. In the end we managed it with the Pastoral Care people at school. We came to an arrangement where she would go to the start of a lesson, collect the work, and take it to a room where she could work on her own. I think this started in the January before GCSEs so most of the actual syllabus had been covered.

She still has issues with anxiety but she is away at university now, having changed schools for A levels as your DD intends.

I do sympathise - we really struggled and DH and I could not agree how to support DD through it, which made things very uncomfortable at home. In the end I confronted DH and gave him the choice of dealing with the problems himself or supporting me to deal with them for both of us. It's still hard to know what to do for the best but, if it's any consolation, Yr11 was the worst.

Not sure telling her to grow up is really what's needed.

Agree with this. I get that it must be incredibly hurtful and frustrating but she is clearly struggling to cope and what she needs right now is help and support.

Thanks everyone. Will talk to school again today.

What I don't understand is why your husband doesn't intervene. If he knows the right way to deal with her and if you are being abused and bullied - yes, she is bullying you - then he needs to deal with it.

Frankly, I'd try to leave the house for that hour and let him and her get on with it.

What are her aspirations? You said she's quite academic? She must know that refusing to go to school and/or going straight to the medical room to be sent home is going to have a massive impact upon her GCSESs. Do you have a plan for if she flunks them?

I have ever sympathy for the anxiety and the bullying. I went through all that at school. But, being academic, the need to succeed at GSCE motivated me, plus the knowledge that I could soon leave and never see most of my peers again.

Are the school offering any day to day help? What was their response when DD didn't attend for a month?

See if you can get an agreement that she does her work at home. Get all the GCSE revision books for the exams she is taking. She can do well just learning from the books at home with minimal school support. You could employ some tutors to help her along but even without tutors she should be able to manage from the books and past/sample papers. Good to keep linked to school though if possible because they register here for the exams. If you withdraw her completely you would have to register here for exams, find suitable centres and pay for them.

*her not here

I back up those that say this sounds like anxiety and the idea of her going to boarding school is actually a good idea. Could she be heading towards a depression? The pain is real enough btw, so do not flip that off as imaginary! I speak of experience as I went through some trauma related issues that caught me reacting like your daughter is now. I ended up going to boarding school, I demanded it tbh and grew on the experience and managed to get a hold of my demons and my life is much better for it.

I feel terribly sorry for your DD. She is clearly suffering and to be honestly you need to support her and find a solution that doesn't involve shouting at each other. She's unlikely to do well at her GCSEs if things continue the way they are. Consider your options, how does she feel about changing schools?

But what would boarding school be like if there were girls like this there? There'd be no escape at all.

She sounds like she's going through a terrible time. She's being bullied badly.
Speak to school today and ask for an appointment with the headteacher. Ask to speak to the Safeguarding officer, if they have one, and to see a copy of their anti bullying policy. Make a formal complaint in writing if you aren't happy with their response. Ask for a written reply from Headteacher and escalate to Board of Governorsif still not happy.
You could also then involve Ofsted.
Ask what options are available - could they put her in classes away from the Bullies. Has she friends she can sit with, is there a Peer Mentor scheme?
It's a lot of disruption in her final year - why should she have to go through further upset and move schools with important exams coming up!?
I'd also pay privately for counselling help if you can afford boarding school and look into other agencies like CALMS.
She also needs to stop with the vile insults to you - not acceptable at all.

I wouldn't send her to boarding school if she hates school!
Pay for a Tutor and look into help at home - that's a really good idea actually.
Could they look into her going in part of the week and then working from home?

I disagree with boarding school too. To me it sort of gives the impression that you don't want to deal with her so have sent her away for someone else to sort out? Obviously not saying that's what you would be doing, but that's how it possibly could be interpreted by a teenager who is struggling with their mental health at present.

If my colleagues treated me like the girls at school treat her, I'd have a breakdown too. And I'm a tough 50yo with plenty of life experience.

She needs help with the situation and she needs help (possibly CBT) with dealing with any residual anxiety.

Yes, it is shit to be the parent who has to deal with a school refusing teen (been there, got the T-shirt). But, I suspect, not half as bad as being that school refusing teen.

That really doesn't sound low level. Just because they aren't kicking seven shades of shit out of the poor girl doesn't mean they aren't doing damage.

Ive been back into school today.

Counselling should be starting next week. They're now aware I'm struggling at times getting her to school.

The art teacher is going to move dd to the other side of the classroom away from these girls and is aware of what's going on so will keep an eye on things.

Pastoral person asked dd if dd wants her to tell these girls to back off but dd still doesn't want her to as dd is scared things will be worse. Pastoral person has suggested that dd goes to the year common room at lunch time instead of the art block. These girls may be there but the pastoral person will tell all teachers who supervise the common room what's going on and they can monitor things.

Dd seems happier about this now. Thanks for all the advice today.