Overreaction to dd(14) being missing for an hour in the dark with dead phone

[DooWhop]

I did find her thanks to her friend but also discovered she'd refused a lift at a reasonable hour in daylight to stay in the park with 3 boys I've never heard of. She refused a lift from us as well and so I finally decided ok do it then clever clogs you find your own way home as she'd insisted she would.
Except it all turned sour at 7pm (way later than I'd let her out this time of year and I know we all have our own standards) when it became apparent her phone had died and I had no idea where she was (tracked via friend finder til then).
I had the rage and she had the cockiness which led to confiscation of all tech and grounding til I decide otherwise.

She has an IT gcse on Thursday so I was planning on after then earliest.

But am I over reacting? I've no benchmark other than my older dd who is now mid20s and who's parenting I didn't do too well at!

Friends kids aren't similar in age or they've not had this issue. I can see it escalating as she is boy mad although insists they are just all friends. We've had boyfriends who I welcome to our home but hear ransoms wanderer about boys we never get to meet!

It's actually really offensive to anyone who has a teenage son.

Of course you don't, because you don't have a point to debate.

While 7pm is early, the other circumstances make you reasonable. I would have been cross/worried too. Being in the park after dark with boys you don't know, lying about having a lift and being uncontactable all mean that she is not ready to be trusted with a later curfew yet.

Once things have calmed down have a talk with her, explain why you were worried and see if you can work out a compromise over curfews- an hour later if she texts you regularly, places she is allowed to be after dark, making sure she knows how to keep herself safe.

Better to know where she is than have her sneaking off and lying.

Boys the same age as her from school?

or 17 year olds she met in the park?

I am very glad that DS an his friends socialise with girls the same age as friends, and are not seen as a predatory menace.

I don't know any 14 year old girls or boys allowed to hang around in the park when it's dark. At a mate's house is different.

I think it is he lying that is unacceptable. After dark with no phone - 2 miles from home. You're not over reacting. However, the question is, how do you now get a good way forward? I think if she is honest with you and responsible then you can trust her more. However, in general as a rule, she should stick with her friend.

The dodging the lift under less than honest circumstances was out of order, the not being home by dark, and in time for tea, if that is what had been agreed, was out of order.

I would talk to her about that: it isn't how late but sticking to the agreement that is important. An if her phone was dead she needed to come straight home, if she couldn't call and explain lateness or delay.

Thanks all. I've no issue at all with teenage boys but I did say we had no idea who these boys were and have not very heard their names before (now I know who they were). And yes time isn't that important it's the fact she lied repeatedly and the attitude when I found her and the phone death etc.

Anyway thank you I do like to hear others ways on dealing with this. Really like the GROW idea. I did ask what she thought I should've done and she said Just left me to it. However that would have meant walking down dark deserted (other than traffic) roads past open fields and I didn't want that.

Oh that went well. Not. I gritted my teeth through the eye rolling and tutting and WTF faces. She's no idea what the punishment should be but she's not having her phone etc back today or tomorrow anyway as dh decreed this part way through the conversation.
So she's flounced off to her room saying just kill me. Not dramatic at all

Leaving it now. She's been asked to toy the midden repeatedly and ignoring this plea so I've requested this as she feels she doesn't need to revise for her IT exam.

Teens!!!

Let it rest now, with IT GCSE approaching.

She knows you are unhappy, and why. Next time she goes out get her to check phone battery, emphasise rules and expectations, and tell her that mutual trust is essential to supporting her to have more freedom.

My son's a similar age. He tried not being contactable so I texted lots of his friends telling them to tell him to contact me. He's never been uncontactable since.
Does she know your number? If batteries ran out, my kids text me from a friend's phone instead to say no battery and an ETA of being home.

She knows my number. We're watching tv together now. Worryingly the police helicopter is going overhead outside as a local lad has gone missing. Think it's brought it home to her a bit what a worry it can be.

No you didn't overreact. You agreed on a curfew and she broke it. Punishment is appropriate.
7pm curfew does seem too early for a 14yo. But also depends on the teen and the circumstances. A "boy crazy" teen girl after dark in the park with 3 boys is not a good idea. But maybe you can let her stay out later if she is with mixed group at a place you approve of, and back at the time agreed upon. I would also let her date at this age, but she must obey your rules and you must know the boy.

Hi all

Well we talked some more, she has been really pleasant and helpful and her bedroom is amazingly immaculate.

So the phone has been returned with ground rules for behaviour etc

Let's see! Thanks for the input