15 year old DD - what to do about clothing issues

[MrsJessD]

Firstly hi all, I'm a new member so hope this is the right place and doesn't give the wrong first impression or too much of a bad one! My 15 year old DD is your typical teenage girl I imagine, she does well at school and doesn't give us too much trouble beyond usual arguments, but I must admit to being a bit uncomfortable with how she dresses when going to see friends/parties. I'm not prudish I don't think (not with some of what I used to wear) but it makes me worry a bit at her age and how it might make others view her. I won't go on too much but it's come to a head having seen what she intended to wear for a Halloween party next weekend, I don't usually say anything and have bought her clothes I wasn't totally ok with before as I know a lot of her friends and other girls her age wear the same sort of things, but did this time, and she's got upset saying I'm denying her right to wear what she wants and need to get into the modern world! Maybe I'm making too much of it but just wondering what to do, if I let her wear it now I'll feel I'm undermining myself but if I don't she'll maybe feel left out. DH agrees with me on this but says maybe I'm partly responsible for having bought and let her wear other clothes we weren't ok with before. Maybe we're both overreacting? Confusing on a Sunday afternoon!

It is trying to find the words you cant say omg put some clothes on or you sound like your own mother

Haha very much so! I've already thought back after one or two things I've said and realised I've almost repeated my mum word for word! When I asked her if everyone really needed to see her bra, she said "oh wow you can see my bra, I can smell (her brother's) stinky rugby socks and only one of them's harming anyone"!

I feel your pain, bit late this time but next time, and yes there will be a next time

You could of course ask if they do the outfit in your size? Then tell her it'll be great you'll look like sisters....

Teens are very put of by clothing if they think their parents would like to wear it.

I have told my DDs you can do low cut or short but never both, this seems to have helped. Dd1 is now well into her twenties and still does this. The younger one pretty much dies this but is much more prudish than me anyway.

That's true, I wouldn't want to ruin her Halloween plans although was considering offering to get her something else.

Asking if they do the outfit in my size and the sisters comment is a fab idea! And very funny she would be horrified...

I think low cut or short would be a good rule so to speak. Maybe the wrong word and I wouldn't put it to her like that but I might suggest it looks better. It's also a case of, she clearly likes her breasts/bum etc, and that's great because body image issues with girls is such a major thing, so I don't want to say anything which would make her insecure (she is a little like many girls but the way she dresses shows confidence at least), so saying one or the other could be a way of doing that without denting that. Your DDs have learnt well!

If her clothes are "in the ball park" with those of the rest of her peers, i'd give it a rest.

In real life people think very differently than people on mumsnet.

Yes women should wear what they like but the reality is is that very revealing clothes are going to give the impression that she doesnt want to give out.

People will call her a tart, a state, asking for it etc.

She is putting herself in a very vulnerable position by wearing clothing that is designed to get her sexual attention.

Many people on mumsnet will tell you that women can wear what they like and she isnt giving any impression out etc but in real life people dont think like they do on mumsnet.

Anybody should be able to wear what they like but unfortunately women cant wear revealing clothing without putting themselves at risk of being sexually assaulted or raped. The sad thing is is that if that was the case she would be ripped apart in court.

Horrible thought but i do believe women are not safe and i would discourage her from drawing unwanted sexual attention.

What a pile of shite Applejac sorry but how a young woman dresses is not a signal to men that she is easy at best asking to be assaulted at worst

Mrs

Then you are very naive

Well i dont think I am but hey ho i think your statement is hysterical and victim blaming.

Not victim blaming at all. I did stress in my first post that women should be able to wear what they like without attracting unwanted attention.

But the reality is is that here we have a 15 year old school girl wearing clothing that shows her bare bum cheeks, bra and sometimes knickers. Her clothing probably leave very little to the imagination.

With make up on and her hair done she could possible pass for a 19-20 year old therefore making a very young under age girl a predator to young lads who think she is older than she is.

Its just very unfortunatly how it is in the real world.

If you have brought your daughter up with self respect she can go out in her underwear and not make any difference.

I look after a range of teenager and believe me those who don't wear skimpy clothing can be just if not more sexually active than others. Self respect can not be taught at a late age and you will now if your daughter has it.

She probably just wants to fit in with her friends which is so hard for teenagers, I think not letting her choose her own clothes at 15 is unbelievably unfair and the behaviour that you mag get from the reaction for this could cause as much issues as her wearing a few revealing clothes.

Let's not pretend here at 15 years a boy is gonna want to put out whatever your daughter has on it's about her having respect for herself.

Apple she is going to a party not walking the street

If you ban her from wearing it she'll only change when she gets to the party.

Cdtaylor

This is an everyday thing not just a one off party thing

I agree with appleJac on some points. It's not fair that women can't dress at they wish, but then life isn't fair is it.
Agree with the others legs on show OR boobs is a good compromise.
I look back on some of the pictures of myself at a similar age and can't believe my parents allowed me to look that way. I looked cheap, I thought I looked 'sexy'- I'm not saying your daughter does, but I wish they'd have said something to me. I was given free range on what I could wear.
I agree that the latex make up looks fab and it would still give the wow factor that she'd like to have, without her outfit having to be too revealing.

Claramarion thanks for your points. I like to think she's been brought up with self-respect, she's generally well behaved as teenagers go although she does seem very invested in what boys think of her.

Wanting to fit in is definitely part of it. When one girl in her group started wearing high heels to parties she wanted to as well. I do let her choose her own clothes which is why she has quite a lot of revealing stuff, but still as a mum I think I should at least offer guidance or have some rules, but it's a tough balance between that and giving her freedom. She's definitely not impressed at any suggestions of wearing something else though!

Lynette maybe she'd try that, but then letting her wear something I see as far too revealing sits uncomfortably with me.

theveryhighlife it's not so much that, her clothes are nice, although the Halloween outfit is questionable haha. I'd like to at least try to enforce the legs or boobs thing but not sure she'd welcome it, I've told her she shouldn't be concerned with boys thinking she looks good but that's easier said than taken on board with a teenage girl.

My DD at that age got something similar and went round to friends piled on tons of make up and stayed in for the night watching movies eating sweets. I couldn't see the harm in it since they werent in male company or wandering the streets.

she said "oh wow you can see my bra, I can smell (her brother's) stinky rugby socks and only one of them's harming anyone"!
Haha, she sounds fucking awesome! I'd back off tbh. She's 15 and she wants to go to a party with her arse hanging out like all her friends - so what?! That's what they do at 15. I think it's a good idea to persuade her of the fashion 'rule' of boobs OR legs but I don't think you should tell her that, effectively, she looks slutty - that's what Halloween is for at that age and it's good that she feels able to express her body confidence.

Apple jac I can't remember where I saw it but I read you are more likely to be raped wearing jeans.

Also ime my mates who go out wearing very little get hardly any attention from men, I think they intimidate men. Whereas I am covered up I am constantly harrased.

Its a power thing not a sex thing.

ICuntSeeYourPoint thanks! Nice of you to say that about her and she is fab I giggled at that response of hers. You have a point, I'm just worried about the reactions of boys at the party but I do forget too quickly arguments I had with my own mother, and it's unfair not to let her dress like her friends do I suppose. As you say looking "slutty" does seem to be par for the course at Halloween. I am uncomfortable but I've bitten my tongue and am letting her wear her costume. I'll have to work on the boobs or legs rule with her afterwards though!

garlicandsapphire can I ask would you have felt differently if she he been in male company?

I also have a 15 yr old dd. She is very soon to be 16. Some things she has come down stairs in I have thought oh my goodness. But I choose not to say much. She also has a lot of pics on social media that are very cleavage showing. Tbf on her when she goes out on a normal day to day basis she's mostly got a hoodie on. It for party's she does wear more revealing stuff. I've always said to her it's either legs or boobs never both not in a rule way. More of a advice way and I'm pleased to say it does work eventually. The dress she has chosen this year is a one shoulder thing with a triangle cut out on the waist. A pair of black wings and tiara. It is very modest to what she wore a year ago when she had just turned 15.
I have found with most things that the more fuss you make the more they do it or move it up a level.

Although people might disagree talking to her about future colleges and employers seeing her pics on social media was advice given on a phone in on this morning. I have used this with my dd and she has taken it on board with her social media pics. They still contain cleavage. But a little more modest.

sijjy I can identify with that feeling when she's come down the stairs in certain outfits! My DD is also the same in terms of social media pics, there is often a lot of cleavage showing (but again I don't like to say anything to her because it's good she has the confidence in a way). Day to day homewear or just popping round to a friend's or shopping she's also similar, jeans, hoodies, but parties and it's guaranteed to be revealing. I'll try to push her towards the legs OR boobs idea without seeming like I'm dictating to her or being unkind, it's just getting through that it's a matter of how she's perceived. I hope my daughter's dress next year is more like yours this year than what she's wearing this (very much legs, bum and boobs)!

Slightly worrying about future universities/employers judging her from her pics, I can see how it could happen but I'd have thought a lot of girls will have similar but that could be something she'd take on board if she believed it'd be the case as she's hard working and takes school seriously. And of course I'd never tell her to cover up completely, cleavage is fine and not something she should be ashamed of, with body image issues I'm glad she is proud of her body despite what I'm saying!

AppleJac is right. Clothes does create impressions. But it has to do with whether or not you stand out as "that girl".

I've heard DD 16yo and her friends talk about certain girls who always show the most butt cheeks and boobs. What they say about those girls is not something anyone of us would want for our dds. Yes, girls this age are incredibly "judgy". I think too that sometimes the way they dress also make kids judge their actions harsher. For ex, I think dd and her friends tend to infer more "slutty" intentions to "those" girls for doing the same things they themselves do (hit on boys, etc.) I assume boys think the same. And even if they don't, just being judged in this way by other girls can be detrimental to the girl's social standing.
So, as I said earlier, dressing to "fit in" is fine (and that is revealing enough!). But just don't stand out as the girl with the skimpiest outfit. You'll get a reputation.