Self harm - what to look for

[OKMom]

My daughter cuts herself. It was a terrible shock for me when she told me about it. But now that I look back some of the almost ordinary things I almost noticed were obvious.

She was moody. At the age of about 10 her demeanour changed and occasionally she did things which in my gut didn't feel right. She sometimes banged her head. She sometimes said she wanted to kill herself. It didn't happen often and between times she seemed fine. Then she started hitting me, and one time she bit me, quite hard. I asked for help. Something didn't seem right. For a while she seemed to improve.

I found things, broken hair grips. Pencil sharpeners with no blades. Broken pencils. The smell of tcp. Used plasters, not given to her by me. Damage occasionally to clothes and bedding. She wouldn't let me in her room.

The thing is, I wasn't looking for it. I know now. If you see these things ask yourself the questions. Sharpeners don't just lose their blades. Razors don't just disappear. Plasters are needed for cuts. What cuts? How? Where? Hair grips don't just break. But they do if they are used to take blades if pencil sharpeners! Make sure you give safe sharpeners E.g helix Oxford have a safety screw. Get the school to replace unsafe ones. Notice. Be present

Self harm is addictive, secret and risky emotionally as much as physically. The recovery process is slow because self harm is a coping strategy which works to deal with distress. It's hard to unlearn if the child is distressed.

It's shocking, but of course our shock isn't ghe point. The kid is trapped in a cycle by the time we discover it. I am sharing this to help others. Be aware, more aware than me.

I get the SH pleasure/coping strategy - there's lots of forms of SH I guess - drugs/smoking/alcohol. SH just seems so extreme.

I do think DD was aware that it would fast track her to some sort of therapy.

Ds is 14 and self harms and suffers from anxiety.

He doesn't use objects to harm himself though, he hits himself, arms, legs(covered in bruises) and head, the head one is the worse he puts a fist on his forehead then punches the clasped hand with his other hand. It looks like he's trying to hammer a nail in. He gets head aches with one punch now. He also wishes he was dead when he has these episodes.

Inbetween he is lovely gentle and thoughtful.

CAMHS have just discharged him, as his counsellor felt she'd seen progress in her sessions with him, as he talked loads to her, random stuff though, not how much he was still harming. She seemed to be under the impression that as he was happy and chatty to her, then the problem was gone

I kept asking for them to try and address the route cause and maybe give him ways to try to help him not get to the point of harm.

But apparently they don't cover anger management. They said they would point us in the right direction though to get anger management. They never did, we only got a web address for online teen counselling. Which he has promptly lost. As he's not interested.

He has got worse since being discharged more and more low points. I feel powerless to help, the gp won't prescribe anything. I worry about the damage he may have caused to his head, especially now he gets instance head aches.

If there's any way you can pay privately for her to have CBT it may be useful to consider. It's a shorter term intervention than other therapies but might be able to help her change some core beliefs and break her cycle. A few sessions might make the world of difference.

Medications been discussed on this post and yes, it can work. But it has risks which is why they particularly hesitate with a SH teenager as one is it can increase suicidal feelings, especially in the first few weeks

I used to sh. Started because of a traumatic event that sadly reoccurred for many years from people I cared about most so therefore carried on. The problem is it's an addiction. You cannot just stop. Nomatter how much better and happier you feel and you think you're fine so don't need it any more, the second you stop you just end up feeling empty again. Removing blades will make the person feel worse, for me at least my blade was like my only friend and part of the problem was I thought I didn't have any friends even tho I did, so removing the one friend I had would have made things worse...

My daughter was given all the techniques, band round wrist ,red pen on arm, holding icecubes etc , she was given all the phone numbers and website for when she had the need to SH , but they were all no good to her , it's not as easy as it is to say well just pick up the phone and talk to someone . I feel my daughter even now really dose not understands why she felt the way she did , the move from primary school to secondary, a bit of bullying, self conscious of her body changing , peer pressure, not getting on with her father too well .
Her therapist said it not always one big thing ,it can be lots of small things that just tip the scales in to depression, anxiety and panic attacks .
She did not really open up and talk to me until she had started medication, now sometimes if feel she tells me too much (haha) .
She is now covered in scars on her arms and legs and that breaks my heart but it's part of her now and I have to accept that , and it has made her and us (me ) so much stronger.
But I do feel very protective over her now and I can't help that .
Two years ago (age14) she would not even go into McDonald's and order herself a drink as she would get very anxious about it, now she has just started a little part time job in a pub , serving customers(food) , clearing/washing up, I am so very proud of her , and yes I do tell her that .
So to you all at the start of this horrible journey, there can be a good ending ,it can get better .

Yes I don't think the techniques actually make you stop, only help if you're already trying to break the addiction probably. A bit like a methadone for SH

I feel I just grew out of it and then broke the addiction...

I have friends who've covered up scars with tattoos... not sure if I'd encourage it though as many have stated they become addicted to tattoos as it's a similar pain. Though more acceptable and nicer to explain when asked about a tattoo than a SH scar

Hmm. The SH doesn't stop until the underlying issues are dealt with. DD did cutting, small overdoses and anorexia. All started three years ago and she did need a couple of terms off school. Zero support from the NHS. A combination of BUPA and private money helped. I dread to think where she"d be if we hadn't had the means to help her.

CAMHS were so unhelpful it was gobsmacking. Her first appointment was at 9.30. We arrived at 9.20. Two buildings were locked and deserted. Someone called a PMHW eventually appeared and said a lot of people hadn't arrived. Then whined about lack of resources and said they only worked 9-5 because they were "therapies" ha bloody ha, be there from 9 then and answer the phone after 4.30. Could get through some of the backlog if they pulled their fingers out and rendered a full contractual obligation IMO. Offered group therapy in the middle of the day having recognised that dd's issues related to school unhappiness and that her new school would help but be more stressful in the short term. Didn't have the intellect to undŕstand that missing lessons one day a week (key new A'Level) would impact that stress. Declined an alternative and told me to find a therapist of the internet. !!

DD is very much on an upward curve now. The problem was a neuro developmental disability. She had ADHD diagnosed by her private psychiatrist after going through he'll. She was always good and quiet and high achieving - just not in line with her giftedness and it bugged her. We didn't realise but how the penny dropped when we knew.

She is still on 25mg fluoxetine and Ritalin when needed. But my girl is back. We have been through hell and there was no help, no support from the NHS. A little bitch at our local hospital even accused me of obstructing her care once and causing her harm because I didn't want her admitted for a CAMHS assessment. We went home. CAMHS assessed on the Tuesday promised the world and then said we"d misunderstood and they didn't feel anything was necessary for three months.

This has focussed me actually I have complaints and responses mostly inadequate. They are going into a portfolio tomorrow to be presented to the MH Trust, the CCG, the hospital and the two local MPs and the Judge who has struck a chord this week.

This isn"t all about funding. Much is about modernisation, restrictive working practices and a lack of joined up thinking.

The SH is complicated. I made sure she had a towel, antiseptic wipes, dressings and clean razors. Banning and driving it underground is not helpful.

We are coming through the other end. Recently she turned round and said "thank you for being there and helping me get better mummy".

It is hell. For those in the middle of it and those who have recovered

For me it did stop before my issues were dealt with in the sense that I moved on to other coping mechanisms and left a childhood one behind, I will probably always be working through things on one level or another tbh but I've accepted that's my life and I'm always going to battle some things (I have a MH diagnosis I'm currently recovered from but always going to be prone to when under stress etc) but I don't think it's likely to stop for a lot of young people... it's a very addictive way of coping.

I agree with PP about not driving it underground. It's hugely shameful and that feeds the feelings of guilt and shame. It's quite a peculiar one too to have a loved one go through because it's scary that they are intentionally harming but yet it might be reassuring to know it's not really about wanting to die and far more about wanting to live (imho) whereas suicide attempts are another thing altogether and where I think MH professionals rightly so pay more attention whereas for a parent it must be awful to cope with your child doing it because you do associate it with that worry (not to say self harmers don't ever feel suicidal, but its a coping mechanism no matter how destructive)

But if your child is intent on SH I would definitely advocate enabling it to be done safely as PP have said they do

I really wish there was a specific department that addressed this issue rather than the umbrella of CAMHS. I suspect there's probably parent support groups though? Might be worth a google or even considering setting up one if not as it must be incredibly traumatic and confusing to handle. I was in care so didn't see the impact on my parents from my SH

Thank you for sharing your perspective FoodArt, it's really helpful understanding is not necessarily about suicide. I will definitely look for some specialist websites on it.

Not everybody gets addicted in the same way, just as not everybody gets addicted from drinking the same amount of alcohol or smoking the same number of joints. For some, it is directly related to the underlying cause/illness and if that can be treated or alleviated the urge to SH will also diminish.

I'd say as a parent, the most important thing you can do is to let your child know that there is nothing you are not prepared to hear or deal with for their sake, that they need never worry about sparing you, that you are always prepared to listen to whatever they want to tell you.

My dd also attempted suicide, and on the advice of the Crisis team I did not watch her 24/7. The way I reasoned (and I know this sounds harsh) was that sooner or later I would have to sleep, I would have to go to the loo, and if she really did mean to take her life then she would do so. We are 5 minutes from a well-known (and usually pretty effective) suicide spot. I couldn't stop her. All I could do for her was to let her know that I was there and ready to help with anything I could, or listen without interfering if that was what she needed.

Unlike other posters, we have very, very good support from CAHMS, and they played a big part in her pulling through.

I think if we'd waited for CAMHS and allowed the escalations to facilitate emergency referrals through A&E, dd's recovery would have taken much longer and she'd have dipped much lower. I'm also not convinced CAMHS would have got to the bottom of the ADHD.

For anyone reliant on NHS/CAMHS my advice is to summarise everything agreed at appointments and confirm back to them in writing. Also press for assessment by a psychiatrist rather than nurse practitioner if you can.

Some private counselling may be helpful. We had difficulty getting our GP to refer because they don't know outcomes for private practitioners. Notwithstanding the fact that there are thousands of NHS therapists offering their services privately and there should be better access to information.

Therapists/counsellors are also a bit like shoes. You have to try a few to find a really good fit. We struck gold through Relate who are offering help 're adolescent MH now. They are also very reasonable.

DD already stressing big time over return to school. Have got her some St John's Wort in desperation - she's also just started her second period - poor girl - so much going on.