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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD losing ANOTHER BFF.....

37 replies

Pollyanna9 · 14/10/2016 17:30

All her friends cast her out months ago including BFF of 4 years. The girls mum is a 2 faced liar - said she'd help, wasn't the case, never helped at all.

For about a month DD had reconnected with a previous friend and they were heading into BFF territory.

Something or nothing incident at school today (girls) and DD supports someone crying. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, result, DD once again going from class to class on her own trying not to cry because she thinks she's about to lose this BFF.

Then the agitator girl (BITCH) deliberately knees DD in the thigh as she's walking through a doorway.

I have properly had ENOUGH.

I want to speak to parents, bring it out in the open. I want school to pull this shit stirring little cow up for getting physical.

"don't tell the school please it will make it so much worse. If you tell school I'm not going because know them and I know how to handle it" - arghhh!

I honestly don't think she'd cope with losing this friend after losing all her others and her former massive BFF from before, AND she's also hot a dad who can't be bothered to see her (but still sees her DB).

Advice?

OP posts:

Useruser44 · 15/10/2016 11:03

You do need to work on her resilience some girls are bitches , so are some boys but why does she want friends like that. You should be reassuring her that she doesn't need friends like that and she will find other friends , DD has a lovely group now but they still have dramas , dds just better at rationalising them than she used to be and they blow over way quicker and with slightly less brutality. you are fuelling this , there is a mum like this at dds school who gets involved in all the dramas consequently no one really wants to be friends with her DD or mum will call up parents telling secrets at the first sign of drama she views her DD as a victim and believe me she's far from it, none of them are my DD included .

FarAwayHills · 15/10/2016 18:32

While it's perfectly natural to be upset that your DD is having a hard time I agree with PPs that you seem a bit over emotionally involved with the drama of it all.

My DD has a friend within her large friendship group who's mum is always involved in all the dramas between them. The friend gets upset for little things like perhaps two of the group posting a photo together on Instagram - que dramas, unfollowing and serious navel gazing and dramatic posts. The girls mum then gets really involved and upset with the rest of the parents in the group. The trouble is the behaviour of both the mum and the daughter is actually in danger of causing friendship issues because people just don't want the dramas.

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 18:37

Being cut out by an entire group of friends at that age is utterly soul destroying, of course you're invested in it OP, I would be too. Is there anyone you can speak to (school/other parents) to see if they can help? It must be breaking your heart to see your DD so upset. Unfortunately a group of friends at that age can be arbitrarily cruel, and it's horrible to see/be the victim of.
I don't have any advice, I wish I did, I just wanted to show you a bit of support.

BabyGanoush · 15/10/2016 19:36

OP, do you think you might be getting a bit carried away with the hate?!

Also, there are teo sides to every story, your dd is an angel in your eyes (I think we all do this sometimes!) but there will be things she has not told you...

I say this as the parent of a 14 yr old, a few times I wanted to go to school all guns blazing, but asking a bit more info first (from tutor, HoY) and finding out I did not have the full facts I was glad I held my horses.

Could you ask tutor or HoY for their view of what is going on? Not going in angry, but going in ready to listen?

FarAwayHills · 15/10/2016 22:14

I agree BabyGanoush sometimes we are only hearing one side and it's not always the full picture. Although what's happening is awful and very real for your DD the other side of the story might paint a completely different picture. It's also worth bearing in mind that these things also blow over and next thing they are 'BFFs' with the same person that caused so much pain only a few weeks ago.

SallyMcgally · 16/10/2016 04:46

Of course OP is emotionally invested. How can you not be when you see your lovely child left friendless and crying, after you've been at your wits bloody end for months not knowing how to help and what to do. OP - I'm in exactly the same situation with my lovely son, and I am utterly aghast at just how spiteful some of these teens can be and how the others just let it happen. I'm so sorry it's happening to your girl. I wish I knew what to advise - DS has a really lovely head of year, who's able to listen, while not making too much of it so that there are repercussions. Might there be a teacher she trusts there? It made a difference to DS to know that someone he really liked liked him too and that he could trust her.
I don't know what to advise on stepping back either. I spend so much time with DS, and so wish that he was doing these things with friends instead. But he doesn't get asked. And not many people respond when he asks them. So if I don't go, or his brother doesn't go, it's yet another quiet day.
But have just remembered that
Kidscape give lovely support to bullied, lonely kids. They will help. In the meantime my heart goes out to you. It is so, so hard to watch and you feel so helpless. You've had a rough time on this thread too.

Oblomov16 · 16/10/2016 05:11

You have said some really nasty things about the other girls.
Ask for a meeting with HoY or tutor. Tell them what you think. In a much more muted way than you have expressed it here. Then play dumb. Admit your DD is no angel, but you only currently have her version, so what does the tutor think is the other girls perspective. Ask them what they think is going on. What they suggest you do about it.
I find that playing dumb is the best way to get their perspective and to get them on side.

midsummabreak · 16/10/2016 05:25

It is difficult not get emotionally invested when your child has their feelings badly hurt. I'm sorry your daughter' freinds have for now turned away but something tells me they will in time realise their mistake, if your young daughter can weather the storm. Good idea to chat to a teacher but let them know your daughter is fearful of reporting repercussions and at this stage needs someone she can trust to listen
Maybe if you can invest heavily on distracting her to go to her favourite dance class/sport/art class?
Or could you get her out for a daily long walk and exploring? Would she like to wak someone else's dog? Borrowmydoggy.com None of this is a solution but hoping you can find a way to encourage your daughter out of her bedroom and back into feeling better about herself

misshelena · 16/10/2016 17:17

SO sorry Pollyanna! It is just awful to watch one's child suffer like that. I have 16yo and 13yo dds so I know what you are talking about. And I agree with everything twinkle said.

I know it's very hard, but dd needs to pretend that none of this bothers her. Those nasty girls will continue to pick on her if she let's them see that they are bothering her. Dd needs to stick to doing what she has always done -- be friendly to everyone (yes, even to those girls!).

When she is excluded from an event, ask those girls if they'd have fun and pretend to be so happy for them that they've had fun. NEVER show them that she was disappointed that she wasn't invited, and NEVER ask to be invited next time. NEVER let them know that they are important enough to her to make her unhappy. It may take a while, but they will move on when they realize that they can't ruffle your dd.

Also, you need to stay calm for her. You are understandably upset, but try not to show it with dd. You want to let her know no matter what those girls say or do, you love her just the way she is. Tell her how you admire her for weathering the last 8 years, how strong she is, and how kind she is. Twinkle is right -- your dd will feel your anger and sadness as yet another burden. Your job is to take the load off her, not to add to it. Come here to vent to us! And I am sorry that there are posters here who scold you for venting your emotions.

t875 · 17/10/2016 23:05

Pollyanna so sorry to read this it must be so worrying for you.
The best friend do you know the mum very well? Sorry can't remember if you said you did?
I think like someone else said the school should know about the physical attack.
How old is your daughter? Again sorry if I missed this

Meadows76 · 17/10/2016 23:13

Oh god, teenage girls fall in and out all the time. 15yo is not the same as 12yo so it's not surprising that the dynamics are changing, so are the girls. I would take zero interest in teenage fallouts. You will get seriously laughed at if you go running to parents because their kids don't want to hang with yours anymore. Have you considered maybe it's your DD that's the reason for the distance?

Livelovebehappy · 19/10/2016 00:19

Agree Pollyanna - it really isn't helpful when you are asking for advice for people to merely comment that their daughters never experienced not having friends. The reality is that few girls will make it through their school years without experiencing this kind of drama. Teen girls love it, and will behave appallingly in packs. The meanest amongst them will always come out of it okay because the others are intimidated by them and will turn on the weakest. The mothers of the mean girls will turn a blind eye because of course their daughters are okay. People shouldn't under estimate what long term affect these friendship dramas cause in later life - they cause low self esteem, lack of confidence and anxiety.

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