Daughter at University not settling in

[Rosirose]

I sure it's common but I'm so worried about my dd. She is very bright but has zero confidence. She insisted on doing 4 A'levels and nearly gave herself a breakdown in the process. She got 4 A*'s and has just gone to University. The reason I mention the grades is that she must be bright, (all her teachers had nothing but praise for her, two even saying she was the most talented person they had every taught) yet she has called me in tears for the last three days saying she can't do the work, university isn't for her and she doesn't know what work she should be doing. (Lectures only started this week!) During the summer she had two short romances (her first) and was like a different person, positive, bright and happy. I don't want her to stay at university and work all the time, I want her to enjoy herself. I also don't understand why she should find the work so hard when there are many people on her course who have lower grades than her and don't seem to be worried. She says university isn't for her and I have suggested she gives it a full term before she decides but if she stays in her

current mindset she will just go back into her shelI. I have also told her to join the gym and sign up for the hockey team as she loves sport. What else can I do to help. (She is also a long way from home so she can't come home for the week-ends although I have said I will go and visit her). Her course is science based so there is loads of contact time. I also told her that when the small tutorial groups are arranged maybe she can get together a study buddy group which hopefully will make her realise that she doesn't need to work quite so hard.

Settling in can be so hard and moving from structured learning to lectures and reading lists is daunting. Things will start to fall into place once labs and tutorial groups are sorted, with a science subject she will find she starts getting "homework" too. For her lecture notes I'd suggest she adopts a method such as this one http://www.sas.calpoly.edu/asc/ssl/notetakingsystems.html which will help her keep her notes organised and ready for reviewing and revision without having to spend ages on them.

Thanks, I will switch over to the Freshers thread. No she isn't doing maths or medicine, she is doing Biological Science and yes, there is a very big chance she will do far more than she needs to - they did say she was a little too thorough in her work at school which was why she was so stressed.
She is getting copies of the lecture notes but what she wants to do is make notes from the notes!! It will take her hours and I can't believe it is necessary but what else should she be doing?

The Student Room website has lots of great advice and forums which might help her to realise that a lot of her current struggles are normal and surmountable.

Which University is she at?

I would also say that she does seem like a very anxious person from the way you said she approached her A-levels. Has she ever seen a GP about her anxiety? She sounds like she puts a huge amount of pressure on herself.

I am only saying this as I have always been anxious and I wonder if I had had some intervention I may have coped with certain areas of my life better in the past.

At the end of the day, change is harder for some, but she may well be much better in a few weeks time when she has settled more.

It may be just settling in jitters or it may be she's simply not ready. There's a cut off date with student finance where you can drop out and not be charged for the year, I think it's six weeks into the term. You would do well to find out what that is.

TBH a gap year sounds like what she needs (disclaimer: I work in HE but I am not an expert).

I think the problem is she hasn't been given very much work apart from in her modern language which is is doing as part of her course. I will give her the website re organising her notes because it is this that could really push her over the edge if she insists on writing out everything from each lecture in her own words.

Yes, Saltedcaramel2016 DD is def an anxious person (as am I sadly!) In the summer we did get her to see a Psychologist to see if they could help her because once the exams were over, she still said she felt really stressed over stupid things like getting things together for her holiday etc but she didn't get on with him and she was away virtually the whole summer. I have suggested she contact the counselling dept at the uni but she says she feels stupid and it is too early.

Thanks CheddarGorgeous what a brilliant idea. I thought that once you paid that was it. I will look into that now. We wanted her to take a gap year to give her time to re-charge and grow-up a little but she didn't want to do it. Maybe this will change her mind.

I think you have to wait and see but at the same time not dismiss her worries just in case it is something more serious. It's too early to know just yet.
I knew two girls who have dropped out of Oxbridge within the last couple of years both doing science subjects and both not able to restart the following year due to ongoing MH issues.

She really needs to understand that it won't matter in the long run if she needs to take a year out. Oxbridge seem flexible about taking an unscheduled year out - (it keeps their drop out rates low )

I think she needs a gap year asap.

She sounds like she is highly strung and neurotic (blames herself for things) and needs counselling.

I did biological sciences / earth sciences and we had 8 hours contact time every day, 4hours lectures, 4hours lab, weekends also were field trips etc, so yes the workload is massive. It gets worse as you go along, with essays thrown in and also lots of histology slides etc and projects, so I was working 10 hour days in uni and writing researching essays also. It was tough going: I took a gap year and learned how to pace myself, but I was still exhausted!

She needs a break and also to learn how to fail. We do our best but sometimes we wrap our kids in cottonwool and they don't know how to function in the real world. Your DD sounds like she has no resilience at all.

Maybe she needs to move out and get a waitressing job, for a year. Does she like music? Can she drive? Has she friends at all? Would she join the TA or volunteer in mountain rescue? How does she unplug? Does she swim? Do yoga?

She needs to learn resilience, and she shouldn't be in uni until she can figure out when to work and when to kick back or she'll break down. I would define her as extremely vulnerable, and she needs CBT and a different mindset before starting again next year.

Ring the uni and speak with the student counsellors and her professor. Try and arrange therapy for her if she won't budge, but as someone up thread said, she may be able to restart next year without financial penalty, and I would look into this in the first instance.

She does blame herself for lots of things and yes, her resilience is not good. Thank goodness she is not at Oxford (or Cambridge) Despite her teachers wanting her to apply she knew that even if she got in, it wouldn't be for her. She was so determined to work slightly less than she has done but tbh it is her mindset and I don't think she knows how.

I guess all I can do is push to see if she will see the counsellor and to see if things get better after a few weeks.

Rosirose my DD seems ok so far, fingers crossed (no chickens being counted yet though!)
No need to apologise, this thread is about your DD, not mine. Please don't think everyone else is 'having a wonderful time' except your DD coz it isn't true. My friend's DD has to come home every weekend to cope, and I know of quite a few others who are really struggling with being homesick. It's a big step for them all. I just hope your DD finds the right way for her, and stops being so tough on herself about the work.

When my dd started college she said lots of students were crying as they didn't know what to do where to start. They were all high flyers and afraid of missing out. Best thing she found was to talk to a second year who said you really need this or don't worry about that. Would there be a Facebook page for support and questions or maybe as she joins a club eg hockey she will meet someone who has done that course. The top students are the worst as they have such high expectationns. My 2 ds went and couldn't give a hoot and settled in so much quicker.

Sorry to hear she's having a hard time and that the tutor wasn't much help.
I did a v similar course at uni and had a crisis of confidence 2 terms into the first year. Parents did talk to my tutor (which I was embarrassed about but now see it was the right thing to do!) and he was really good, had a chat with me and even confided that he nearly gave up his place at Oxford to become a full time mountaineer. It wasn't anything particular he said but that chat was good.

In my case it was the practicals that were daunting - a massive lab (with about 100 students on the course) where you were expected to get on with it - a culture shock coming from a v small sixth form small classes and teachers who were v happy to help you.

She shouldn't worry about the course notes - obvious can't say for your DDs uni, but as i understand it these days they are likely to be put on the uni intranet (VLE?). A friend is a uni lecturer and complains that there are students who don't turn up to lectures wth the excuse that the notes are online .

Definitely she should join the hockey club (i regret giving up hockey at this stage too!) - and try the student counselling, that's what they're there for.

oh and meant to add - it gets easier with sciences in the 2nd and 3rd year because you choose options and the groups become smaller, you spend more time doing project work.

Thanks, Peeples1 I'm pleased your dd is settled and junebirthdaygirl I do think that it's because my dd always has to do everything perfectly and wants to get !00% in everything that she is stressing herself. When I spoke to her yesterday I told her to go onto the Biology Facebook group and ask if there was a 2nd year out there who would be happy to go for a coffee/drink on her. Fingers crossed she has listened!

and smurfest your post is really helpful. She has printed out all the lecture notes so far and all the lectures are I think online. It's just she has it in her head that she needs to write EVERYTHING in her own words. (something her school wanted to stop her doing last year but they didn't want to alter her revision and upset things in her last year) It is also nice to know that you came through your confidence crisis.

She definitely intends to join the hockey club. I just hope she actually goes and doesn't lock herself in her room.

The hardest thing for me is what are the "normal" freshers wobbles and what could be more serious. (VenusRising has basically voiced the worst case scenario that comes to me in the middle of the night! but as my DH says, my DD can often be doom and gloom but then recovers quickly leaving me still left in a pit!)

Anyway, she also has a meeting with a different tutor in a week when they sort out the small tutor groups so hopefully that will be more helpful.

Hi
my DD started in early September but has now following loads of anxiety and stress decided to leave and defer until Sept 2017. The uni she's at said she can just confirm next year and start again. She is a high achiever as well especially at GCSE but at A level stress began to take over. She seemed really keen to go to uni (not too far from home) and has a car so she can travel when she wants. She isolated herself from her flat mates who she didn't gel with. Her flatmates were quite noisy and like to party but unfortunately my DD doesn't have much confidence and didn't feel she could join in, she also spent a lot of time in her room which didn't help. She also missed some lectures/workshops partly due to sleeping through alarms and getting "freshers flu" and felt she was really behind. It came to a head recently when she had a panic attack about being behind and it resulted in her calling me all through the night crying and fretting. Student support tried to help and they were quite good but it just hasn't worked out so she's going to go back next year and now take a gap year and do some part time work. DH is very critical and they fight all the time about most things and I feel in the middle. I feel like crying most of the time as I feel so disappointed after all the effort both her dad and I put in to get her organised and we've really tried to help her settle down but the past few weeks have been awful. I'm trying to see the good side to all this but just feel so sad and lost I don't know what to think. Has anyone been through similar and come out the other side? I'm sure in time we'll all see the brighter side and perhaps realise this is the best decision at the moment.

Sorry to hear about the problems your DD is experiencing Rosi. I hope she turns a corner soon.

I have nothing to add to the advice already given, but I would try and get her to make it her goal to join the hockey club tomorrow. It will get harder and harder the longer she leaves it, as everyone else will already be getting to know each other. Is there anything else she might be interested in? Maybe some voluntary work, or one off events if she feels she can't give the time commitment at this stage.

terry, it's really common, honestly.

I hope TantalisingDuck won't mind if I link her current thread here for you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/2760124-An-update?

Terry my daughter had similar sounding problems to yours and left after the first term last year. she deferred and has now restarted at the same university on a different course and it seems to be going so much better so far. She did some volunteering abroad during her time out and has so much more confidence and resilience now. She feels much more committed to her new course, which helps. She picked her accommodation very carefully this time round and is now in a catered hall where there is a much wider group of people to choose from, rather than the small flat she was in last year. Deferring was definitely the right choice for her, i hope it works out well for your daughter too.

I could have written your post word for word, your situation is a mirror image of mine. My DD was at school a high achiever and it broke my heart when she would say things like "I used to,be clever but now I'm just thick". Her confidence is very low and she is only really happy when she's at home and with her friends. I think when she went to university she missed em more than us! She now deferred for a year and is doing some part time work. She said that if she goes back she wants to live in a studio,flat where she has her own kitchen as she struggled with sharing the flat kitchen which was dirty and messy (even by the site manager's standards) .I am worried that next year she will change her mind and not return and just drift. We have another member of the family who did that as they had major anxiety and confidence issues and even now just does casual work even in their thirties. I am also worried that if she returns she will be isolated in a flat of her own. She wanted to share with one of her friends who,went this year but has stayed and is making friends of her own. I think my DD will be upset when she asks to,share with this girl but then finds she has moved on with her own life and no one can blame that at all. I am my nature a control freak and want to know exactly what's going to happen next year, almost like a guarantee from my daughter that she will go,back and make a go of it. It feels like everyone else is getting on with their university life and my DD is back at the beginning. I wish my DD would make friends more easily and would just push herself out there a bit more. I suppose another year on she might be more confident and has been prescribed medication from our GP this week so I suppose again we'll have to wait and see. As you can see my controlling nature wants answers and results now, not just flimsy promises. If she could join a club which she probably would really like but she also likes to keep herself to herself and is a bit of a hermit. I know I have to just wait and be patient but I find that incredibly hard but then again I have had so many broken agreements from my DD I feel that this is just another one, just a big one!! Any advice would be appreciated and some reassurance that things can get better!!