Am I horrible to my 18 year old son? I really need advice please.

[Vapegirlclouds]

Hello,
Firstly thank you if you take the time to read this.
I'm in desperate need for some help and advice.
We've always had a lovely nurturing home environment, no arguments, I've never smacked my son. And I've probably spoiled him over the years. He's never been any trouble, enjoyed music and cadets.
When he turned 16 he said "I'm going to be a nightmare from now on"
I laughed it off.
The last 2 years have been quite awful, probably in the grand scheme of life it's nothing, and compared to some family problems even less.
My husband and I had rough childhoods, I was Abused and brought up in a physically violent home. Naturally we tried to make our sons home environment loving.
Over the last 8 years I've become disabled, I struggle to work full time. Our son works part time, 24 hours a week, some months brings home £1100. He contributes- under great duress £100 to the house. The only things we ask of him are to put the rubbish out once a week, empty the dishwasher daily, pick up after himself, keep his room tidy and leave the upstairs doors open so the cats don't rip the carpets.
We allow his girlfriend to stay over, we request on weeknights that the tv goes off at midnight. I have trouble sleeping and they can be quite loud.
He's incredibly angry about contributing money towards the house, doesn't actually do the things we ask most days. Every dish has a chip from him slamming dishes in the cupboard. Last night he closed his bedroom door and the cat has ripped the carpet. There is no respect at all. Apparently it's okay to shout at me because it's a different time to when I was growing up, I'm 36.
Am I being unreasonable? Asking him to do these few tasks? I switched netflix off as a punishment for something a few months ago, for sneaking his girlfriend in, he only had to ask and for sending me a vicious text. He created his own account. I'd come home from work and he'd drop all his clean clothes on the floor. I'm not washing for clothes to become dirty on the floor. I said he could do his own washing.
How do ýou parent adult children? He's 19 next month.
The anger and shouting that now happens is affecting my already I'll health. Is it too much to ask that he do these simple things that we ask of him? My husband drives him to work, 0.7 miles away when he can, takes him training. He's so angry all the time, he told me I was crazy since I had a hysterectomy and it's my hormones - I'm actually not menopausal. I've very poor memory due to my medication and he's used this against me, making up things that I've said and smirking.
I realise he's growing up but while he's still living here I do expect some respect. An apology if he doesn't do something, or does something he shouldn't. I get met with it's not your house it's a council house.
Obviously I'm not perfect, I get cross and shout when he's so angry towards me. But I do feel it's not difficult to leave a door open and have some forethought about things. My husband just wants a quiet life, my mum is wonderful but will run to him at the drop of a hat. I'm painted as the psychotic disabled mother who nags constantly.
I'm exhausted most of the time, I'm not insane I just want a tidy house. We gave him the biggest bedroom of the house to grow up in, we figured he needed it to keep all his things in while growing. Due to my health we asked could we swap back, the arguments over it were horrible, "but I'm your son, you should give me the biggest room, it's your job to do my washing, your job to pick up after me" Then I'm feeling guilty. I love him, I'm proud of him.
But I can't live with him like this, I'd never throw him out. I just want him to follow some rules that we set. And help us a bit. I'm contemplating not taking the £100 off him because I feel horrible for doing it, if he hadn't been so mean we wouldn't have asked, we hoped it would teach him some responsibility. But he seriously asked me for maid service.
Am I wrong? Am I awful?
What do I do? Just ignore it?

Treat him like a tenant if he wants to be the big grown up man he is.
Billed for repairs, rent at the standard area amount (your council sight will have a shared housing benefit level which is the accommodation he'd be eligible for benefit on if he needed it), billed for cleaning services if he wants them.

If he's said he's going to be hell his arse end would have scraped the concrete hard n fast.
You are not his servant, he is an adult n should be acting like one.
Chuck all his mess in his room n fix the carpet edges so the door bars stop the claws. If he leaves it on mutual territory it goes into his room, his mess, his problem.

He'd kiss the wifi goodbye too if he's not willing to contribute to it.

I lived on my own from 16 with the odd bit back home while switching towns to help with work. I averaged £200 per week n paid my mum £60, bought my own food unless I wanted what she was having, paid my own phone n tv and still had plenty of money to do as I wanted while paying bus fares to work.

Could you imagine living with £1000 to yourself every month.. that be bloody lovely, I hope he's saving up.

I wasnt allowed visitors late that caused disturbances, fine if we were well behaved liked youd expect in shared spaces but that works both ways.

I'm 25 so not pulling the knitting needles out just yet. Staying with your parents until your able to move out is a luxury that a lot don't have n shouldn't be abused.

As I understood it he shut the cats out and they were trying to get in.
I agree with pp that asking him to keep his door open is completely unreasonable.
I think there are two sides to this tbh.

You are not awful but I think you have to accept you can't control him with things like taking away Netflix. He's a big boy and if he wants such things he can and will pay for himself.

I bet you make his packed lunch for him don't you?

I would give him the ultimatum that he either gives you the big bedroom ( point out the tenancy is in your name not his!) or he finds somewhere else to live.

And sort the cats out..no one wants to have cats in their bedroom all the time, let alone have to have their bedroom door open.

I wonder how long he would last living with his girlfriend? ;)

I wonder how long he would last living with his girlfriend? ;)

Draw a line now and agree some ground rules - and stick to them!

But it doesn't seem fair to have to ask you when his GF can come over, or to have to keep his bedroom door open all the time. He's entitled to his privacy! Can't you replace the carpet outside with laminate or something that the cats can't scratch up?

I suspect the people who are going on about him being entitled to have overnight guests are young enough not to be in the situation where they suddenly find an extra person in the house and I suspect they may feel differently when their kids are older.
It is his parents house and they are entitled to have house rules. And even if the parents are ok to have overnight visitors then surely it is courtesy to let know rather than trying to hide it?

I suspect the people who are going on about him being entitled to have overnight guests are young enough not to be in the situation where they suddenly find an extra person in the house

I'm in my 40s with a 19 and 18 year old DSs and 14 and 16 year old DDs. I'd not be happy with my 14 year old having people over night without me knowing but that's because she's 14. The other 3, as long as I've met the guests I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Both DSs girlfriends regularly come and go and i very rarely get a heads up about it and the same with DD1s best friend.