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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AIBU towards my dd here?

25 replies

flowersandsunshine · 30/08/2016 22:25

Found out today that dd (16) had had her boyfriend over at our house today without asking me or telling me. She called me on the phone while I was out to find out when I'd be back but didn't mention he was here. I've met the bf once - he seems fine, nothing against him, but I'm not happy that he's coming round without my knowledge, in her bedroom with the door shut, and dd lying to me about it. I've grounded her till she starts school - only 2 days as she starts on Fri.

AIBU here? She did know that I wouldn't be happy with this. The house was in a complete state so she blindfolded him apparently (!!) - yes, not making this up - rather than eg bothering to tidy up at all. Dh and I are working long hours at the moment, dd is doing nothing, so am quite annoyed that she's doing nothing to tidy up and inviting people round without notice. We're not a family that has an open door policy and never have been - we live in a rented property that usually needs repairs and redecoration the landlord won't do, so although the kids do have friends over, we do then make an effort to tidy up first. Plus I'm not thrilled at having the two of them in her room with the door closed when I'm out - sure lots of people would be fine with that but I'm not and dd knows that.

Perspective on this please?

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 30/08/2016 23:21

The situation isn't ideal but You seem a bit OTT if I'm being honest. Your daughter isn't a child. Unless you have specific reasons against him personally, not to like him, I think you need to make more of an effort before you push him and your daughter away.

But yes I do agree that if your DD wants to have friends over she should tidy up HER mess in the house....... Was it her mess?

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 30/08/2016 23:26

Some of it, not all. I just don't like the fact she wasn't honest. If she'd said' Is it Ok if bf comes round today?' I would probably have said 'Yes, provided you tidy up'. It feels like sneaking round behind my back. And yes, the state of the house is embarrassing at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 30/08/2016 23:28

But dd leaves clothes, plates, etc everywhere - she does nothing at all to help around the house though she's just had 3 months off - she expects me and dh to do it all after a full day of work whilst she won't lift a finger. And then she moans about the mess.

OP posts:

Omgkitties · 30/08/2016 23:50

AnyFucker · 30/08/2016 23:56

I didn't allow bf's/gf's around when my kids were that age when DH and I were at work either

Both my teens loafed their arses off between gcse's and college but I would be damned if I would condone fooling around unsupervised with the opposite sex all day long

If you don't get a part time job you lazy fecker, you are not whiling away the hours indulging in heavy petting on my tab

No sirree

pontificationcentral · 30/08/2016 23:59

Little bit U. Sorry.
I can just about remember being 16 and even though they might seem young, they are actually plenty old enough to be dating.
Are you blowing it out of proportion because of the state of the house? (That's what I do. I am mortified if I get home from work and discover the kids have had people round and the place is a tip...)
My 16yo spent July at a university summer camp a five hour flight away. She had an entire month to spend behind closed doors with any of the 30 or so eligible young men on the program. Sometimes you have to cross your fingers and hope you have brought them up to be sensible. I am loving that your dd had the fortitude to call and find out when you would be home, though. you will laugh about that one day.
Maybe give her the option of tidying the house first thing, in order to earn back her last day of freedom? Reiterating the 'no guests in a shit tip' rule, of course...

pontificationcentral · 31/08/2016 00:01

Get her to cook the dinner as well.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2016 00:02

I might have just let a tiny rant escape there

My two are getting right on my tits at the moment

pontificationcentral · 31/08/2016 00:31

All four teenagers living here went back to school today. I am well-zen.
If you'd asked a week ago...

DPotter · 31/08/2016 00:36

I think your 'reasons' are unreasonable. Are you trying to tell us a teenage lad is going to notice the state of the washing up ?
If you're worried they'll be having unprotected sex - then say so !

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/08/2016 00:36

I think she should have told you the truth. But at 16 I don't think it's unreasonable she wants to spend time with her bf at her house whether you are there or not.

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 31/08/2016 11:38

Thanks all. No, when I say the house is a tip, I mean a tip. Not just a couple of plates. eg dh is great about doing the washing (a large part of which is dd's.) But the clean washing gets put on the stairs for the kids or me to put away - no reason why he should do that too. There was a pile on the stairs yesterday about 4 foot by 2 foot by 2 foot - I kid you not. No idea how the bf even got upstairs with a blindfold on without injuring himself! The hall had a huge pile of stuff dd had cleared out of her room - but not actually got rid of. The kitchen had been utterly trashed by dd and possibly siblings cooking in it and leaving it as was with spills, dirty pans, plates, ingredients etc on every surface, and all of dd's bedding spilling over the floor after changing her bedlinen and putting it in the (small) washing basket in the kitchen. The house looked like a bomb had hit it. Yes, I was mortified.

I do get there are lots of people who have people popping in all the time and to them I'd seem completely U. But our house is never guest ready - way too much stuff squeezed into a small space and 3 messy dcs and 2 working parents. So except for vvv good friends, I'd expect to have to tidy up first. And I don't mind doing it, pref with dcs' help, so they can have friends over. But dd is the only one who never has friends over - because she says it is 'too embarrassing'. So after years of her nagging for the house to be tidied, whilst not lifting a finger, I couldn't believe she brought someone round on the day the house was the worst it's looked for months!

Plus yes, call me old-fashioned, but with a bf I've only met for 5 mins, I'd rather be in the house if they're in her room. She'd been saying only a couple of days ago - volunteering, not me demanding - that of course if the bf came over she'd do it when we were there and leave the door open. So I feel lied to. As obviously that was not her intention.

I want to be able to trust her. Generally, I have. But this reduced my trust in her.

OP posts:

LaurieLemons · 31/08/2016 11:54

If you would have said yes anyway then why would she hide it from you? If it's more the cleaning up then no you're not being u but I remember what I was like at that age, I felt hard done by having to clean my own room.

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 31/08/2016 12:09

I wouldn't have said yes to bf being there when I was out. I would have said yes happily to bf coming round when I was there - but would have expected dd to help me tidy first. I'm cross because 1. she lied to me about bf coming round and 2. she brought him round when it was a tip and 3. when I was out and 4. because she's been complaining vociferously for years about not being able to have any friends over ever because of the state of the house - ignoring her total lack of contribution to tidying - and then brings someone round behind my back anyway, so in fact it never mattered anyway!

I want 1. dd to do her fair share of tidying 2. to moan less and appreciate her parents both work, she does sweet FA and never lifts a finger at home and 3. to let us know before inviting people over, esp a bf into her room.

It does work both ways - I would always tell dd before having people over as she finds having people round 'stressful' (the house is small and you can hear visitors everywhere) and feels she has to hide in her room. And I'd try to tidy first. I don't expect anything of her I wouldn't do myself.

OP posts:

Mabelface · 31/08/2016 12:28

I think there are two separate issues here. With regard to her not lifting a finger, are there consequences? My lot would get no money or phone top up until a job was done. I'd be very specific in what I wanted doing, rather than just a 'you need to tidy up'. With regard to the boyfriend, she's 16 and old enough to be having sex with him. As long as she's clued up on contraception and consent, you have to trust her on that. I think you are BU expecting him not to come round when you're not there.

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 31/08/2016 13:12

She is old enough to be having sex with him. It doesn't mean I need to faciliate it though. Whilst my other kids are in the house and I am not!

OP posts:

TantrumsAndBalloons · 31/08/2016 13:26

I never have facilitated my dd now 18 and ds1 now 17 having sex

I don't give a flying fuck if they are old enough or responsible enough or any of the lines that get trotted out on these threads.

Ain't. Going. To. Happen.

Both the older ones are at home. Dd finished year 13 in June and ds1 finished year 12 in July.

They have a few little part time jobs but they are at home the majority of the time.
They know damn well they better get the Hoover out and wash their dishes before I get home from work as I am currently providing free room/food/wifi/washing machine/electricity etc. I have no intention of providing a nice comfortable place to have sex whilst I am at work earning the money to pay for all of that

Apologies. It's been a loooong summer

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 31/08/2016 13:43

Thanks Tantrums - my feelings exactly!

I should probably make my feelings clearer on the subject - dd has never once volunteered to clean anything in the house except her own room and will agree to do so elsewhere when asked only with extreme moaning (don't think she's EVER hoovered anywhere else - even her 10 year old brother helps with this regularly!).

Think she thinks the money to pay for the room/food/wifi/washing machine/electricity grows on trees. My work is annoying if it means I'm too busy to talk to her when she wants - but she never objects to spending what I earn, strangely!!

Grr. Have had a reluctant apology now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/08/2016 13:51

Tantrum, I am with you there sister !

bloomburger · 31/08/2016 14:04

My house is run like a military operation, no mess, no rubbish, no dust.

My DD 16 has been to and stayed in houses that I wouldn't cross the threshold into due to the utter filth I have encountered when I collect her. If I ever mention it she looks at me nonplussed. They don't see it. Teenage girls don't see it, teenage boys definitely won't see it, especially if they are on a promise. And do you think they go to their bedroom and shut the door when parents aren't there? I can remember loads of mid afternoon sofa shagging with my boyfriend whilst we were supposed to be at 6th form.

Original poster

flowersandsunshine · 31/08/2016 18:22

bloomburger - I admire you - I wish I knew how to run it like a military operation - though admittedly my dcs are anything but obedient troops.

I can live with the mess (well, I do) though I don't enjoy it - what gets me about dd is the endlessssssss moaning about the mess while not doing a bloody thing about it!!!!!

And...sigh.

OP posts:

McBassyPants · 01/09/2016 07:23

I'm sorry but it's not about facilitating them having sex. If they're going to shag, they're going to shag. End of.

If it was my daughter, I'd much rather she did it somewhere safe rather than some backstreet/bush/wood/dirty little den.

Ragwort · 01/09/2016 07:44

That's your point of view McBassy - but by enabling them to have sex somewhere safe they you are facilitating it, however you wish to word it.

I agree with others in that no way I am going to facilitate my teenage DS's sex life (I love that expression ) of course he will be having sex, but there is no need to provide a comfortable environment and make it all too cosy.

But there are two separate issues here - and the OP's DD should certainly be helping more around the house - although how you get teenagers to do that I have no idea .

nooka · 01/09/2016 08:08

So long as my teenagers are happy and safe I'm not really that bothered about their love lives. I don't regard letting dd having her gf over when dh and I are out as facilitating or enabling sex, that seems a bit of a weird way of thinking to me. We agreed that the gf wouldn't sleep over in dd's room yet, but that was after chatting to her about the advantages of taking things slowly as it's quite a new relationship.

I'd not put up with the lack of domestic contribution. I don't really care about the house being tidy, but our children pull their weight with cleaning, do their own washing and cook at least once a week. None of these are negotiable, there might be moaning from time to time but non participation would lead to sanctions pretty damn quick.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/09/2016 12:16

If it was my daughter, I'd much rather she did it somewhere safe rather than some backstreet/bush/wood/dirty little den

I don't get that. I genuinely don't understand why it would be better for me to provide a nice room for them to have sex in

If you are grown enough to have sex then be grown enough to facilitate it yourself.
Not spend the day in bed with your GF/BF whilst me and dh are at work earning money to pay for the place you are using as your love nest

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