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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I hit my 19 year old daughter

26 replies

Littlerainy · 29/08/2016 21:11

I'm gutted - I've always had a good relationship with my daughter but lately since she's come back from a girls holiday and broke up with her boyfriend it's been drinking and partying non stop. I don't mind the teens having a drink in the house as long as it's respected but have had to have words with her lately about the increasing mess - real mess. I still have an older lad and a 16 year old at home. The older one was away on holiday and I was at my partners on sat evening when my daughter must have invited a bunch of friends back. I got a message from my older boy (who was on hols) to say I needed to get home. This was Sunday morning and my house was just trashed - no major damage but cig butts on carpet, booze everywhere, spilled etc. I was shocked as I've never seen such a mess and I just lost it and slapped her and was screaming and shouting at her. I even found boys hiding under beds. I'm a hard working single mum and if I'm not home occasionally I leave the house tidy and organised and food in etc. I actually felt a bit intimidated but it's no excuse for raising my hands. She's now left and staying at her grans. I've apologised for my over reaction but don't want her to think it's ok to treat our home like this. Advice?

OP posts:

queenofthepirates · 29/08/2016 21:17

I can't say I blame you for losing it, she was very disrespectful. Can someone broker a peace between you? She needs to apologise too.

Metalguru · 29/08/2016 21:21

If you had a good relationship before you can save this. This would have shocked her terribly, even if she didn't show that at the time. its good you apologised but have you assured her if wont happen again? She was behaving outrageously but the end of a relationship can be devastating at that age and there is never, ever, excuse for violence. I know how selfish and thoughtless they can be at this age but you crossed a line, you need to address that before you address her disrespectful behaviour.

caroldecker · 29/08/2016 21:58

If you read the relationship thread, you will be advised that once violent you will not change and people should leave the situation.
You need to tackle the violence issue first.

EmmaMacgill · 29/08/2016 22:03

It will take hard work but I think it can be salvagable. I was a shit when I was her age and my relationship with my mum was awful, I love her to bits now and we are very close.
I think you both need a bit of time to cool off and the a long, honest conversation

Stopyourhavering · 30/08/2016 13:48

Maybe it's time for her to move into her own place if she can't respect yours...sounds like .she needs to grow up and take some responsibility

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2016 13:57

I think when someone trashes your house, particularly if you're the only person who's made it a home, it does make you incredibly angry. It's so disrespectful of her.

It's good you apologised (probably more than I would've done) but I wouldn't want her anywhere near me for a while while I calmed down. It's up to her to apologise now - she is completely in the wrong.

caroldecker · 30/08/2016 18:35

Imperial So if this was a husband and wife story, you would suggest the wife apologizes for being beaten?

DailyFailAteMyFish · 30/08/2016 18:43

Carol, she has apologised.
The girl trashed her house!

Longdistance · 30/08/2016 18:43

I would have slapped her too.

19? She can move out.

My work colleague is battling with this type of shit, and her sons 20, nearly 21, and she's lost it with him loads. He treats her like crap. I would have packed his bags long ago.

Not on op.

Ultimatum time I think...

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2016 18:46

Imperial So if this was a husband and wife story, you would suggest the wife apologizes for being beaten?

No, I'm the first to say a partner should leave if they're being beaten. The OP has apologised, though. The daughter hasn't, has she? She has plenty to apologise for.

Donthateprocreate · 30/08/2016 18:47

If this is a new change in behaviour then I'd try find out what's triggered it.

If you kick her out or start giving her ultimatums then you're relationship won't recover.

Donthateprocreate · 30/08/2016 18:48

*your

usual · 30/08/2016 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usual · 30/08/2016 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caroldecker · 30/08/2016 18:54

Imperial so husbands who say sorry for beating their wives are ok then? And the house had 'no major damage' just a few split drinks and a mess. Well worth a beating, I'd say.

EmmaMacgill · 30/08/2016 19:28

Is this helping Littlerainy? I mean make it about yourself if you want to, but OP posted here for advice on how to resolve this situation, she clearly feels terrible. It's easy to say "well you should have done this" and I'm glad your children have the perfect parents but If you've got nothing constructive to add then maybe think before you post.
How are you today Littlerainy? Have you been in contact with your daughter or mum? The behaviour is bad, maybe the split has affected her more than she's letting on, she needs to cut down on the drinking, it doesn't help anyone and seems to be causing most of the problems.
I understand it's hard raising a child alone and it never ends, my mum raised me alone and I was easy until I hit my mid teens, I was rebelling but still needed her desprately. You know the saying 'the least lovable people need the most love'
Things got easier when I left home, I appreciated her more and calmed down a lot.
I really hope you and your daughter can get through this and a believe you can, it will take time, honesty and maybe some big changes
I hope things get better for you and your daughter

usual · 30/08/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2016 21:15

Imperial so husbands who say sorry for beating their wives are ok then? And the house had 'no major damage' just a few split drinks and a mess. Well worth a beating, I'd say.

Why are you picking on me, caroldecker?

You're reading things into what I'm saying. Maybe you're confusing me with the posters who're saying they would have hit her too?

asdfghjjkl · 30/08/2016 21:32

i know how you feel my kids are now 43. 40 37 and 27 a good few years ago DH and youngest DS and I went on hols leaving others at home over the years i have heard things that went on in our home and i assure you had i known at the time id have thrashed the little shits , its easy for perfect parents who haven't been there yet to lecture on how to react its different when you are affected

usual · 30/08/2016 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

asdfghjjkl · 30/08/2016 21:54

when you are at family wedding and some random girl starts bragging that she had sex in your youngest sons bed its not nice , i didn't say i thrashed them but at that moment in time if i could have gone back in time i think i would have done, maybe we should go to their houses and trash them

Laineymc7 · 30/08/2016 21:59

Try not to worry. I was awful in my teenage years and got a well deserved slap across the face from my mum on one occasion. Once I left home I realised how good I had it. I have a fantastic relationship with her now. She will forgive you. You are her mum and I'm sure as she gets older things will get better. Teenagers are very trying and I'm sure many mums have been in a similar situation.

caroldecker · 31/08/2016 01:01

Imperial

I am not having a go at you specifically, just the view that any sort of physical violence is acceptable. It is no wonder women stay with, and apologize to, violent husbands, when most of the comments say she deserved a slap.
Violence is never acceptable.
And you did say you wouldn't have apologized and she needs to apologize - so being beaten and needs to apologize for it?

Badmum78 · 31/08/2016 19:05

I hit my daughter for the 1st time ever last night and I've been a child who was battered emotionally and physically and a girlfriend who was beaten and a nurse who was battered by a patient and I never ever used violence... She beat on me pretty bad after so I got what I deserved. I never get pushed to violence but she was so horrible to me and has been for months I snapped.... It's not acceptable I've cried for over 18 hours and I've lost her as she's moved in with her dad and I've begged for forgiveness and been told that I am not the same mum I was before my head injury. It's hard, I lost so many people after my injury and my daughter was embarrassed about my speech, but I've not changed she has

Original poster

Littlerainy · 11/09/2016 23:44

I appreciate all the feedback -update is that my daughter and I have made up and she's had lots of hugs and talks. I have felt very ashamed of my actions after i slapped her - it was wrong and it won't happen again. I wish teenagers and single parenthood came with a handbook as it is difficult being mum and dad, especially when dad isn't even in the country and there's no support. I adore my daughter and she loves me and she knows my character enough to realise this was a one off. Our relationship is back on track and I think we've both learned from it. She's never even had a proper bollocking from me (unlike her older brother) as she is genuinely a good girl who is full of fun but she's just been going through a bit of a crazy stage. I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt my baby girl or any of my kids.

OP posts:

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