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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

daughter leaving for uni can't stop crying or feel sick.

53 replies

Clairemorley · 25/08/2016 22:25

I'm a Mam of three
And also a foster Carer so you'd think I'd be relieved but my daughter who I've mothered, held when needed, screamed at, at times but
Loved oh so much is leaving for uni in three weeks, she's moving 2.5 hours away and can't stop crying thinking about this. Gonna miss her so mix and yes I'm proud but I'm just so worried about her. That she gets home sick Dosent make friend everything but most of all why is my baby leaving me x

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 27/09/2016 22:56

I felt sick for about a week before and after we dropped DS2 off at uni last year, and cried all the way home. He knew I would, it didn't upset him in any way at all. He'd have thought it odd had I have dropped his stuff in his room, said "see ya" and fucked off home.

Everyone has a very different relationship with their children, my children and I are incredibly close and are the best of friends. They have a great social life but, also, like to spend a lot of time at home and family time is important to us all.

It was odd for a couple of weeks, just as it was when DS1 joined the army, but I soon got used to it. I still miss them both like crazy.

shirej · 27/09/2016 23:14

insulting other people says more about you than it does about them. Some people will cry & others won't - its not selfish to do so & would be a problem if it went beyond a few shared tears & hugs. I'm not sure what's going on here but some posters seem to been unable to grasp the difference between normal expressions of upset & something else. The insults don't help anyone.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 28/09/2016 08:24

I understand OP and Shirej.

It's like a redundancy, I imagine, end of an era, a grief that your love becomes more distant, accepting you are getting older and realising your own mortality - and just missing your child.

The insults aren't necessary - people feel things differently, some more strongly, some people think about things more or are more insightful, in tune with their feelings more - some people just 'get on with it' - but there are pros and cons to all personality types.

whyayepetal · 28/09/2016 15:40

I completely get you OP and Shirej. I will have to face this next year when DD1 goes to university/college (hopefully!) I am so excited for her as she prepares, looks around and applies and starts to spread her wings. I will probably be in bits when she goes, and am very grateful to the lovely vice-chancellor of one of the universities we visited who made a point of warning us all not to be surprised at how it would hit us as parents. He confessed to sobbing in the car all the way home from dropping off his own DD at university, which made us all feel a bit better in a strange way. Good luck to all dealing with this at the moment, and please share your coping strategies!

HairsprayBabe · 28/09/2016 15:44

She will probably be back, most grads can't afford to do anything but move back home after uni... speaks from bitter experience

corythatwas · 28/09/2016 17:26

DailyMail, I don't think it's necessarily about how you feel things; it is also about how much you lay your feelings on your child. Nothing wrong with a little tearing up at the parting, but to show so much emotion over a longer time that the teenager felt guilty about leaving home would be very wrong.

whattheseithakasmean · 28/09/2016 17:40

I think there has been some wilful misinterpretation, I have never suggested it isn't bittersweet or you may not feel a bit emotional when a child goes to Uni. My point is that being unable to stop crying and feeling sick is a disproportionate response and hardly helpful to your child. As for the poster that will move with her child... I will assume that is hyperbole, rather than a genuine statement of parental intent Hmm

whattheseithakasmean · 28/09/2016 17:42

Yeah, I've chosen to ignore the poster that suggested anyone capable of putting on a brave face obviously doesn't feel things as strongly ... I've encountered too many people with that sort of empathy bypass in real life to want to waste my time on a forum.

endofthelinefinally · 28/09/2016 18:07

Please, please try to be positive and happy for her.
2.5 hours is nothing, honestly.
My eldest son died recently, my DD has gone to university 6 hours away and my younger son is finding things so hard that he has resigned from his job and is going to Australia with his friends.
I have no idea how I am going to cope, but I have to put on a brave face because I don't want them to feel guilty for wanting to live their lives.

Your DD will come home in the holidays and you will be able to visit her.

whattheseithakasmean · 28/09/2016 18:27

I am so sorry about the death of your son Flowers I too lost my son, which is maybe why we can put these other 'losses' into perspective and focus on doing our best for our precious surviving children. You sound like an amazing mother, good luck for your future.

DailyMailPenisPieces · 28/09/2016 19:10

'DailyMail, I don't think it's necessarily about how you feel things; it is also about how much you lay your feelings on your child' Cory I wasn't suggesting it was a good idea to project onto her child, but she obviously needs an outlet, so people jumping on her here and saying she's being silly doesn't help. She's said she knows she's being silly - she wants to talk about it.

MyballsareSandy2015 · 28/09/2016 21:52

Move with her!! Near to the uni?? Please tell me you are joking!!

allthatnonsense · 28/09/2016 21:58

I expect that when the time comes, I will feel bereft as you do. It much be agonising.
Just don't let your daughter see how upset you are. She has to grow up and university is a fantastic achievement of which you must be proud.
You need to distract yourself. Flowers

DailyMailPenisPieces · 29/09/2016 00:14

My point is that being unable to stop crying and feeling sick is a disproportionate response and hardly helpful to your child what's the. It doesn't bloody matter - telling someone their response is disproportionate isn't on. For WHATEVER reason, their response matters to and has meaning to/for them.

Dizzydora71 · 05/10/2016 20:35

I'm really surprised at some of the responses on this thread. It's normal to have these feelings ,like grieving for the stage you have just left .For a start you have to get used to not having your daughter at home .
I'm in same position my daughter left for uni in September last child to leave home for me.I have been dreading it but it hasn't been so bad as I thought .Had a few tears but nothing major .She settled in and has called me a few tears.Its more strange having no children in the house I need to get used too.
Give yourself some time to get used to it .Look up Empty Nest Syndrome and it will show you it's quite normal .Think of things you can do to help her .I set up a student meal card from sainsburys which I can put money on.She has the other card to use in sainsburys for emergencies .

Iflyaway · 05/10/2016 20:39

Oh, do grow up.

Kids are Meant to leave home.....

Seems it's all about you here....

Iflyaway · 05/10/2016 20:47

P.S.

Did it all alone for 25 years. thank fuck he (DS) found his way.

Happy now to have a break too. (working, taking care of aging parents, crap men also bullshiting relationships, neighbours being sectioned, etc.)...

You never know what life is going to throw at you.... All telling you you are stronger than you think....

Largemelons · 09/10/2016 22:09

Wow!
Some nice support on here Hmm.
OP I dropped my DD off about 2 hours away 3 weeks ago and I felt the same way for a couple of days. After that I was fine but she's still struggling and crying most days which makes it so much harder.
We're a really close family and she misses her little sisters a lot too.
I'm immensely proud of her but it doesn't stop that kick in the gut feeling when you leave them for the first time.

nooka · 10/10/2016 18:31

Surely the point is that the OP's daughter hasn't actually left yet? So if she really is crying all the time her dd is going to be well aware that her mother is incredibly upset about her going away to university. I really do think that is an unfair burden to place on your child at a time which while exciting is also pretty stressful.

Of course there is nothing wrong with sharing with your much loved child that you will miss her and that you might find it a bit hard to adjust to your new normality. Mot of us quite like the idea of being missed when we aren't there, and I'm sure that the dd probably has a bit of trepidation too so it gives an opportunity for a bit of mutual support. However as a parent you are there to support your child, not the other way around.

Anyway I think the OP got it, she knows she is being overemotional and will try and reign it in a bit at lest until her dd is off. I'm sure she will be fine. It's a big transition for sure (I'll be saying goodbye to both of my children in the next couple of years).

LindaMR · 29/08/2019 21:34

jeez I came on here for support. But you are a hard lot of mothers. One upmanship of how MY childs futher away than yours and I'M not crying. Good for you huh? Most of you don't even appear to have offspring about to go. My daugher left yesterday. I could not even take her to uni as I am not well enough to drive from my home which is not on Mainland England to London. Nor would I have been able to cope with the 4 odd hours coach and train journey each way. So I have had to compromise with taking her to the mainland and leaving her at the coach. I have been beside myself with grief, yes grief since the second she got on the coach. It is not selfish. Its love. If you are hard enough not to feel lost then you are a harsh parent, or maybe selfish yourself? I have put 20 years o my life iinto raising a beautiful amazing daugher. I miss her so much it hurts. As a single parent I do not have a supportive partner. Or family or other younger offspring at home. I am used to her being away from home, on hoildays with her boyfriend, away at camps with Air Cadets. This is differnent, the essecence which is my daughter has gone from the house. The atmosphere in the house, the very air has changed. I am sure some of you mothers do happily wave your kids off and go back to your important full busy lives. Many off us need time to adjust. And believe me, this is normal.

Tvci5 · 30/08/2019 01:13

Hi Op I’m sad about some of the responses you’ received here. It’s absolutely normal for you to be feeling the way you feel, it’s a huge adjustment for all when our children move on. Of course it’s possible to feel proud and happy for them whilst feeling utterly sad for changing family dynamics. If you would like the name of an excellent FB group please let me know.

Ringdonna · 30/08/2019 14:22

FFS

mumstaxi2 · 08/09/2019 13:00

LindaMR I am sorry up to hear that your daughter going off to uni has been so hard for you - I think it's totally normal even if previous posters on here do not believe so. If you are in Facebook there is a wonderful (closed) page called WIWIKAU What I wished I knew about university. It's a really kind supportive group for parents & students. Maybe you're already on it but just case not!

Realitea · 15/09/2019 21:15

OP, I feel the same as you. My ds went yesterday and it’s definitely a grief I feel. His little sister has been crying a lot and I’m trying to comfort her the best I can while also trying to put on a brave face but I feel completely lost with ds. He was like a best friend and also helped me a lot at home. I brought him up on my own and now he’s gone I feel like I’ve lost a limb. I can’t imagine how dd feels.
I’ve looked up empty nest syndrome and it’s definitely that which we are going through, even though my best isn’t quite empty yet!
I’m going to check out the Facebook group that the previous poster suggested
Probably see you there!

Flossiefoo · 15/09/2019 22:58

Shirej ...I agree with you ! 'Comments like 'get a grip' are quite cold and unkind. The mum doesn't need telling, she came on here for some support.

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