13 yr old left and won't talk to me

[bella1968]

My dd has been having violent outbursts, very vocal too and refuses to do things without the whole tantrum episode. Her dad and I have a 50/50 shared care, we each have a week with both children, boy and girl, twins and so they came home Friday night. DD had an outburst, then again Saturday morning then again in the afternoon by which time I'd had enough, each time it was an argument with her brother that started it or me asking her to do something and then arguing with her brother. I told her to go to her dads in the end, (her and her brother could do with a break from each other and we had discussed this and she wanted it), before that she said she wanted to go but when I told her to she wouldn't. Anyway it ended up her saying some really nasty things, I got angry and tried to pull her off the bed, I ended up scratching her (which I've since been told by my exh girlfriend, who is sympathetic by the way) and telling her to go. She said she was never coming back, the name 'mom' is just a word and not important, I am dead to her.

Now she won't respond to my texts, my ex's girlfriend who has thankfully taken my calls and texts has spoken to her and she doesn't want to speak to me, her father has apparently asked her if she wants to contact me but when my son called to ask his father something and he asked how she was and whether she was still angry with Mom, his dad, my ex said, she's not thinking about her.

My ex and I don't communicate, long history of hate and anger and abuse towards me.

What do I do, I'm going out of my mind, this is the week that they are with me, my son's still here and I'm trying to focus on him and make sure he has a good time this week without hearing about his sister (whom he hates because she's always so nasty and aggressive towards him) but it's really hard not to think that I've actually lost my daughter and she won't come back, or if she does how long do I wait and what do I do to encourage that? she believes I hate her, I don't love her or want her.
thank you.

has anyone got any advice?

My dd called this morning, says it was partly because her dad asked her to and she wanted to. She wants to live with him permanently and 'visit' me at the weekend! we have a court order in place we have the children alternate weeks my ex and I so obviously this will have to be changed but I've told her I would fight for her in court as I don't think the situation should change, she doesn't realise it now but she needs her Mom as well as her dad and simply visiting would not allow me to take care of her in the same way.

I believe that she is jealous of the time her dad spends with his girlfriend and her son and so doesn't want to miss out on that. She thinks that if she 'visits' me that she will be spending more quality time with me than him and especially as when they are at school she won't be seeing all that much of him as there will be homework then tea and then bed.

I don't see how a new arrangement would work, I would have my son on alternate weeks all week and then as well on every weekend dd would stay, it means we couldn't go away for a holiday as we'd have to be back before the weekend and she would never get to go away with me and ds.

Does anyone have this arrangement and how do you make it work and how do you deal with it emotionally?

Please help anyone? thanks.

Hi Bella1968 ,

Sorry to read your having a difficult time . I don't have personal experience of what you are going through , but I do have a 13 yr old ds , so just wanted to reply ... and give you my thoughts and to let you know you were heard today . It's all very raw and teenagers / children say lots of things in the heat of the moment - and can 'be stubborn with that view ' . Try to enjoy time with your DS b4 school starts again . Positive is sounds like your Ex's gf seems to understand how u may be feeling and at letting you know your Dd is safe . There's a lot to resolve , but you sound like a lovely mum , so maybe a couple of days break , and it will look different . May not have helped , but you were heard . Take care . Cat x

thanks Cat, I appreciate your post.

A friend of mine had a similar situation in that her children opted to live with their dad once the youngest turned 13 years old. The older one was 15 when this happened and before her 16th birthday she had come back home.

They moved out because mum remarried and they didn't approve/like the new partner.

Whilst my friend was heartbroken about them wanting to move out, she allowed it because to force them to stay would cause more harm than good, and at least one daughter has admitted that it was a mistake to move out. The other wants to move back home but a lot of her friends live where her dad lives and so it would be more difficult to have a social life moving back to mum. If mum moves to the same area (which they are looking into) that daughter may well move back in with mum.

Teenagers are dreadful for doing just what we don't want them to do. My advice is to take a breather, keep the door of communication open, make sure she knows that if she ever wants to change her mind that she is welcome back. Don't worry about holidays just yet, unless of course you have any planned, and if you do, just go on them with the same plan as previously, if it means she doesn't get to come home to see you that weekend then perhaps she'll feel like she's missing out with you.