Lucy - you pretty much describe my relationship with my DD. She's now 19 and has been very tricky from day one.
Lovely to friends, relatives, teachers, strangers even, but despicable to me.
Spoilt, entitled, sly, lazy, and completely self- obsessed.
By 16, she refused to do anything I asked, started missing school/college, trashing her room, leaving the house at stupid times in the night. We got help from GP and alternative therapy, both of which helped, but her hatred of me continued.
I took advice from friends, professionals, and posters on here. I detached. It was hard.
I felt detaching would make her feel worse, like I didn't care, as if I would lose her.
I thought that by ignoring her tantrums and verbal assaults on me, I was condoning her behaviour, and I suppose, deep-down, all I wanted was a quiet life, and that she would improve with age.
So, last year, I began to detach, slowly. I became less available. I didn't react when she took her anger out on me. I walked away. I ignored. I let her struggle. It was horrible. But it was better than being a verbal punchbag.
Slowly, her maturity and ability to cope with anger has improved. She still, occasionally, flies off on one, and I still, on occasion, react, but its better. We have a much better relationship these days; she even comes to me now with suggestions of going shopping, for lunch, etc. I never, ever thought that would happen.
She's finally realising that I won't be walked over anymore; she's off to uni in a couple of weeks, 3 hours away. People say "oh, that'll do her good, she'll realise what she had".
I feel sad that it's taken that to make it better.
What I'm saying is, I wish I'd started the process of detaching earlier. It would have been better for both of us.
Sorry, I've rambled my thoughts down, but I know how hard it is. (Join us on the long-running thread for support of parents of teens?)