Daughter thinks shes male

[rockodog1]

My 16yr old daughter has told me she has always felt she was a boy
She has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers also which came as such a shock to us,she has been attending councellors since she was 14
and prescribed antidepressants
she has social anxiety really bad
Any help please??

[PhilPhilConnors]

"Phil it's increasingly rare for hormone blockers to be prescribed for children."
Good!
It must be acknowledged though that allowing an autistic teen to believe she could become male could potentially be very damaging.

[practy]

Explain to her as well that the surgery to create a penis is in its infancy and the results are not functional, and rarely look like a real penis. So even if she tried to pass herself of as a boy, she would always have female genitals.

[Snowshimmer]

Yes it's a common phase for a lot of girls, even feminine ones. Puberty is difficult with a developing body and encountering sexism. Girls can think that boys seem to have less troubles. Boys are less discriminated against, they do not get sexually harassed in schools or perved at by adult men (not nearly as much as girls).

[Mougly]

My boyfriends had AS and he was diagnosed very late in his life, he is now 41. He has always talked about how he doesn't believe in gender specifics and believes in a third gender that doesn't fall into a norm. He would like to dress however he feels like and though he is a shy introvert person he has a exceptionistic streak and even more so when he was in his teens and twenties.
I think it's important to let your daughter express herself the way she wants to, otherwise it could lead to severe depression. In the future she can make the choice to be a man if she wishes but at this point it's very likely a curiosity. Genders are very blurry for the generation born in the 90s/00s. And there is currently very trendy to be androgen with model agencies taking on men to walk women shows and vice Versa. Not saying you daughters feelings should be thought of as "fashion".
When it comes to his AS I find that my boyfriend is much happier when he gets to explore fashion and creativity and feel he is part of now, and even though he discusses extremes he never really goes out there.

[CreativeUsername]

Wow. The amount of transphobia here sickens me and there's not one person supporting this poor child

[iisme]

Creative, I don't know why you see it that way. As far as I see it, everyone on here is offering advice about what would be best for this child long term, rather than rushing into something that may seem like a good solution to her right now but may well ultimately end up in a desperate situation. There's lots of advice about how she can be supported to see that there isn't anything wrong with her and that what she's going through is normal and will probably pass. That seems like good advice to me.

[RiverTam]

Where has anyone on her said that they either fear or have an aversion to trans people, creative? I don't recall seeing a single comment that comes even close to suggesting that.

[KittyLaRoux]

Where is the transphobia creative please point out where anyone has slated trans people? Or called them vile names?

Please copy and post what exactly is it that has been posted which is transphobic.

However if you mean those of us who have FACTUALY stated than a man can never biologically be a women and vice verser are transphobic then you need to go and read up on that word and its meaning as you clearly have no idea.

[Snowshimmer]

not one person supporting this poor child

I do not think it is supportive to tell a depressed, anxious girl with ASD that she can become male. She needs other types of support.

OP I wish your daughter well and hope there can be ways so she can start to feel better soon, and feel that she is okay as she is. It's even more difficult for someone growing up with ASD.

[PhilPhilConnors]

Creative, allowing the teen to go along with thinking she could be male is not supporting her.

Allowing her to be herself without judgement and letting her get through these tricky years is absolutely supporting her.

There have been experiences shared by people who have gone through this and come out the other side, as many teenagers have with their various difficult phases.

I am so pleased I wasn't born now. I feel so sorry for children today.

[CreativeUsername]

Saying that she will just be a 'mutilated female' rather than a transgender male is transphobic. The same way that calling a gay person confused/wrong is homophobic because they would know, or calling a person of colour dirty is racist. It is transphobic and no one is on OP's son/daughters side. If this isn't a phase and OP wrote it off and refused to believe it, their relationship would definitely suffer and/or be destroyed

[Just5minswithDacre]

not one person supporting this poor child

What do you mean by 'support'?

Some of us are engaging with he autism angle.

If you don't have experience of autism, maybe you don't see the huge significance?

[BeyondCymru]

"I hardly think that stating "well your daughter will never be a man" is helpful to the OP in the slightest."

Do you not know much about asd?

Another adult with asd here glad to have not been a teen today :(

[PhilPhilConnors]

If this isn't a phase, then the Op,s dd can be supported through this as an adult.

This is very common, especially amongst teens with ASD, support should be in the form of helping her to be happy in her own skin (something that many, many teens go through).

[RiverTam]

No, it is not possible to change sex. I feel that people struggling with this kind of thing are being done a massive disservice by being peddled this fantasy.

Would you consider it racist to tell a white person they cannot become black, and vice versa? Or, more pertinently, would you tell an anorexic girl that yes, she is grossly fat and she's right to starve herself and the best treatment is to hand over the laxatives - oh, and to ensure that everyone else believes that she's really fat too? And anyone disputing that is a bigot and phobic?

I am beginning to belief that gender dysphoria (a kind of body dysmorphia, as is anorexia) is the anorexia of our age, the numbers of girls presenting with it has risen dramatically. But our treatment of it is, I believe in the case of children, very damaging and borderline abusive.

[KittyLaRoux]

Did I miss the post that said that creative?

Also the examples you gave are not at all the same. All that is being pointed out is that this girl will NEVER me male. She just can't and it is not wrong to point that out to her.
Yes she can live her life how she chooses, dress how she wants, date who she likes and call herself whatever she fancies. That's ok and posters have said that. What isn't ok is to lie to somebody and let them beleive they can change their sex. They can't and to say that is not transphobic. It's the truth.

[RiverTam]

Oh, and I read somewhere that autism is present in 20% of those suffering gender dysphoria (against 13% of the population as a whole). And also that other psychological disorders are co-morbid with GD to the tune of between 60 and 90%, but those disorders are not being treated properly, thanks to trans activists succeeding in stopping GD being treated as a psychological issue.

[PhilPhilConnors]

"What isn't ok is to lie to somebody and let them beleive they can change their sex."

Particularly not a teen with ASD, this could be monumentally screwy for her.

[MsKite]

As someone has said, genital surgery is not very satisfactory, to say the least. It's something that should be a very last resort. If a person can be supported to become comfortable in their own skin, then surely this should be what is aimed for. Not having a false penis fashioned out of abdominal skin with a pump system where one false testicle is squeezed to make the false penis hard, and the other is squeezed to deflate it again. Sounds like a recipe for pretty crap sex to me.
And no I'm not transphobic. I think people should be able to wear whatever they like and behave how they choose and call themselves whatever. But it's a lie if you tell people they can change sex. They can't. And if you tell this to vulnerable impressionable children, then that's really not fair. And it's setting them up for a lifetime of not being happy with themselves, and never quite being what they wanted to be. Surely that's best avoided??

[CreativeUsername]

Firstly you don't have to have every gender reassignment surgery under the sun to qualify as transgender. Having a penis and identifying as a male makes you a biological man and in the UK to have the sex changed on your birth certificate and documents you have to have lived as your gender for three years (it's different in America but I'm not American so idiot need to know) so even if it wouldn't fit the definition of sex as such if you have it changed on your documents but don't have lower surgery you are legally recognised by your new gender as your sex

[BeyondCymru]

As its apparently okay to call transphobia for acknowledging she has asd, i call ableism for all those posters who are determined to ignore her asd

[KittyLaRoux]

creative you are missing the point of people's posts.

No matter what surgery you have or what your official documents say you will never ever be a different sex than the one you were born. Posters are not saying it is wrong to live a life that is opposite of your gender stereotype.
They are not saying it's wrong to have surgery. What is wrong is to lie and say "yes you can become a man/women" because that will never happen and that person will drive themselves insane changing their appearance, having surgery and taking hormones but find by the end that biologically they are still the same sex they were born.
It is better for the person if those around them accept their life style choice, encourage them to be comfortable in their own skin and not promote the lie that is yes you can change your sex.

[BombadierFritz]

The likelihood is that a vulnerable highly suggestible teen with asd has confused gender roles with biology
Eg a girl wears skirts and likes pink. A boy wears jeans and is good at maths.
"I dont wear skirts and dont like pink. I wear jeans and am good at maths"
Or
"I dont have lots of female friends. I get on better with boys (quite common with asd girls)"

Conclusion: i must be a boy

[BombadierFritz]

It is also quite possible she has been told this by other friends. Its quite 'trendy' these days for teens to claim to be genderqueer/agender/demi etc etc etc. Again, the asd makes a teen more vulnerable to suggestion.

[HermioneWeasley]

I was deleted for the mutilated comment. I don't know if I'll be deleted again for using the word again, but since another poster has referenced it, I thought I'd clarify.