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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I lost it today

25 replies

noddyholder · 21/01/2007 16:25

My ds is 12 nearly 13 and is a good kid if a little lazy at times.He never gives us any trouble and does well at school etc.He is spoiled though which is our fault and he loses thinga all the time and never really seems bothered.This week he has lost school sweatshirt and coat and another phone.He went to a party yesteray and came back today at 1 instead of 11 and I really lost it with him.He has never seen me that angry and has been crying in his room I didn't say much really but that I was disappointed that he had so little respect for things and have said his money for a new skateboard will go on a new coat and sweatshirt.He has never really been punished and I want to stick to this but dp called from work and said don't be too hard on him.

OP posts:

NAB3 · 21/01/2007 16:27

Stick to it. If you let yourself be undermined by dp then ds will know he can walk all over you and/or daddy will stick up for him.

Original poster

noddyholder · 21/01/2007 16:28

dp will stick with me I just feel so mean but don't want to buy another coat and the sweatshirt was the last one of 3 which have all disappeared

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/01/2007 16:28

i know the skateboard is very important - maybe theres a middle ground - maybe you could ask him - what will he do to earn the money he has essentially lost by not taking care of his stuff?

can he take the bins out and keep room tidy for a week and clean toilet?

maybe its somethin you could negotiate.

Tortington · 21/01/2007 16:29

have to add - i would be hard bitch and take away skateboard - but your not me - your nicer than me!!

Original poster

noddyholder · 21/01/2007 16:33

He still has his skateboard but we promised him a new top(deck?)for it but he will have to do with the old one.Feel that I have been too nice and he is now shocked by my outburst but now that the floodgates have opened I think I need to let him see that he needs to be more responsible.

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CAMy · 21/01/2007 17:01

Good luck, Noddy, its hard to be firm isn't it. My dd turned 10 on Friday and I'm already thinking I must let her/get her to take more responsibility for various things.

Tortington · 21/01/2007 17:01

you know your situation best and seem sure of this course of action. If you feel he needs a quick kick up the arse to remember that actually these things dont come free, or that actually as an adult he isn't going to get very far getting money together for his skating competitions if he is spending his money on a new coat that he forgot!

i'm sure you have it all under control.

hope it works out nods xx

brandy7 · 21/01/2007 17:06

sympathies noddy. has he lost his sweatshirts and coat at school?could you go in and check lost property

my 12year old refuses to wear a coat to school, a whole other stubborn story there

colditz · 21/01/2007 17:08

i think you are right to do what you are doing, he is 12 not 5.

brandy7 · 21/01/2007 17:12

my ds came back last night at 9.45 instead of 8pm,he'd been to his new girlfriends house. he said he didnt ring because they were watching texas chainsaw massacre and it was good

when i bawl my son out he goes in his room, throws a tantrum and cries and cries and cries for what seems like hours. i put ear plugs in and ignore and generally he will come down puffy eyed and apologise. mind you this does happen at least twice aweek so praps im too strict

tigermoth · 21/01/2007 17:55

Hi noddy

My nearly 13 year old seems to want new things all the time, so he is used to me saying no, or striking a deal with him.

As he likes clothes I have to be clear with him what clothes I buy him and how much I am prepared to spend.

I buy what I call the basics ie one new outfit approx four times a year, plus one coat, 2 or 3 new pairs of shoes depending on how his feet have grown and some extra t shirts etc.

The rest of his wardrobe comes from his christmas and birthday money or extra money he gets given. If he lost a basic bit of kit, ie his winter jacket, and the incident was a one-off, he would get a replacement from me as soon as I could afford it. But if it happenend again it would come out if his present money. And the replacement jacket would be a no frills one - something pretty functional.

I give him a set budget for basic clothing ie £30 for a new pair of school shoes. He begged for Kickers costing £65.00, so I gave him £30.00 towards them and he paid the rest out of his christmas present money.

If he someone stole hiss phone (a birthday present) again I would probably buy him a new one eventually, but if he lost it through sheer carelessness, I would make it part of his next birthday present, and only buy him a smaller, token present for his birthday. Or make him go without some promised treat/ present to pay for it.

We do deals like this months in advance of the dates. By september, ds had already organised his main christmas presents from us. I try to be very clear what money I will give him towards things. I am always glad when ds gets money from friends and relatives as it is very useful for topping up.

In your situation, how about telling your son that you will get him a skateboard for his birthday (or as an easter present, if you as a family give easter presents) but for now, his current skateboard fund will be paying for his replacement clothes.

Original poster

noddyholder · 21/01/2007 18:24

thanks I am going to make him buy 2 school sweatshirts and a raincoat.He says he will which makes me feel worse but I am going to let him as he needs to learn.He will get a new skateboard when I feel he is a bit more responsible Any more lost phones coats etc and no board.He gets £30 month pocket money plus 10 on his (now non existent)phone.V difficult as we have always been quite laid back about everything now we are paying for it!He is in shock I think and is acting so hard done by

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colditz · 21/01/2007 18:32

He isn't hard done by he has done this to himself.

Think about this. Would you rather have a 22 year old son who was fired from every job because he was to0o careless with property - or a 22 year old who was taught a valuable lesson by his loving mother when he was 12?

You are doing the right thing,.

Original poster

noddyholder · 21/01/2007 18:34

thankyou colditz I know I don't want to send dopey donald out into the world to drive everyone mad so ineed to teach him now.You should see his big puffy eyes though Nevermind the money I'll save if he buys his own coat means I can get pissed at the next brighton meet

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Freckle · 21/01/2007 18:46

DS1 (12 nearly 13) has a habit of forgetting to go to his music lesson during school hours. We pay for this termly and, as it is a one-to-one lesson, it isn't cheap.

I discovered this week that he had again forgotten to go to his lesson (and I think he knew he was in trouble when he lied about the reason - which lead to another punishment but that's a different story!). So, dh and I have told him that, every time he misses a lesson, he will have to pay us £15 to cover the cost. As he gets £6 pw pocket money, that will hit him hard. It might seem harsh, but I bet he is a bit more careful about remembering his commitments.

I think what you've done with your ds is good. The hard lessons are the ones we remember.

tigermoth · 21/01/2007 19:36

I think you are definitely doing the right thing, Noddy. It's not as if you are stopping his pocket money forever. If he is extra sorry, you could let him pay a bit each month so he still has money left over for himself.

Freckle, I too would be so angry if my son was missing music lessons at £15.00 a go. Agree that you must hit him where it hurts.

mumblechum · 22/01/2007 10:33

Good idea Freckle - my ds has forgotton his last two drum lessons at £13 a pop. I'll tell him next time it comes out of his savings.

i am liking this thread!

Tortington · 22/01/2007 10:59

i was royally spoiled as an only child with widowed mother. even had my knickers heated on the hearth when i got up for school! shit you not!.

i always forgot everything. i left my violin on the bus. frequently. leaving my mum having to go to bus garage to pick it up. she had no car - it was quite a trek.

i had one chore once a week. to clean the kitchen sides on a wednesday whilst my mum went to do her youth worker bit.

i always forgot.

she went out with her new man every single friday for ages.

every friday i came home and forgot - i ended up calling people asking where my mum was - which made her look like a twonk - and she thought i was doign it on purpose.

the point of this tale is - there are people just born complete twonks! i am a twonk.

i only remember christmas becuase its bleedin obvious.

i forget to pick my own son up from his girlfriends - its 10pm every night without fail - it never changes - sometimes i forget him

its called im a forgetful twonkeritis.

Original poster

noddyholder · 22/01/2007 11:01

custy you sound like my ds i warm his school uniform in the mornings and then I wonder why he is useless.He forgets EVERYTHING but I have calmed down today and am cooking his fave chilli con carne for tea!

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ScummyMummy · 22/01/2007 11:05

And custardo turned out really good so maybe we should all spoil our kids?

It's natural to lose it every now and then I reckon noddy and good for your boy to know that you get really pissed off when he constantly loses things rather than have him proceed through life oblivious. At least he's sorry and taking responsibility. He sounds like a sweetie.

CAMy · 22/01/2007 18:35

Oh noddyholders ds is a sweetie, like his mum of course

themoon66 · 23/01/2007 13:09

My mum was VERY strict and no way could I be described as spoiled. She used to whack us kids with her bare hands and I used to shake with fear if I accidently stepped out of line.

But... she also used to warm my knickers, woolly tights and vest on the hearth of a morning.

Original poster

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 13:13

Thanks cam xx He is lovely and me losing my rag like that was so alien to him it put a bit of a wedge between us for a day or two which I don't like at all.But I suppose he has to learn and I can't feel bad everytime I have to punish him.He has always been so good I've never had to but he is pushing me atm.Things will iron themselves out though and I am still warming his stuff in teh mornings

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fizzbuzz · 24/01/2007 21:06

Noddy, have spoken to you before about ds's as ours are practically same age.

If it is any consolation, as a secondary school teacher, our lost property office is stuffed full of coats, school sweat shirts (and plenty of non uniform ones as well!) and all sorts off stuff. Some of these are really expensive and never get collected. they all get sold off in the end, but believe me, there is tonnes of stuff in there. I used to find it unbelievable until ds started secondary school, and the problem is, there is no where to put things, so they carry them round, and eventually forget some (as all of us do!)

I would have done exactly what you did, and my ds would also have probably cried as well. He is probably spoilt too, and I have only recently had to start applying sanctions for first time, and it is v hard and v upsetting.

If you are interested ds got into trouble with ortodontist (again!) for not cleaning teeth, and I stopped his pocet money, until next appt. More traumatic for me than him

Also niece who is 21 has lost 3 mobile phones and railcard in one term. Mt brother is not impressed!

fizzbuzz · 24/01/2007 21:07

I really need to check my messages before posting .....

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