teaching parent dilemma

[illtrythis]

My husband is a teacher at my daughter's secondary school (she is in 1st year). We have come up against a dilemma. While we always encourage talking about problems and worries and want to keep our lines of communication as open as possible with our daughter, we are also aware that she may find it more difficult to speak to us about any concerns she might have about any of her friends, due to the duty of care that my husband has as a teacher.

The situation has come about because tonight she mentioned that a couple of her friends had confided to her (individually) that they had recently self-harmed. She says that she is pretty sure the school is aware and that they are ok now. Husband naturally feels duty-bound to report this but our daughter is desperate for him not to as she will have betrayed their trust. We are glad that she felt able to speak to us about this but are worried that she may never confide in us again, depending on how the school handles it.

How do any fellow teachers out there manage this dual role - of teacher and parent? Any advice very welcome.

We aren't talking about parents reporting their child for misdemeanours or telling on them to the school. We are talking about people sharing concerns with the person designated to be in charge of their child's welfare. It'd be pretty embarrassing if you get called in by the school who want to let you know that your child is self-harming and you then have to say "yes I know". Why wouldn't someone let their child's HOY or FT know about that? We aren't going to punish them or ship them off into care, we just want to support children as best we can. We are better able to do that when we are fully informed.

We are better able to do that when we are fully informed.

Why do you assume that parents aren't able to seek appropriate help themselves, and that schools always know better?

the person designated to be in charge of their child's welfare

That'll be "their parents", yes? Or are you saying that safeguarding leads in schools take precedence?

There's a big difference between a child getting a little tipsy at a party & a report of self harm.

neck

Parents are responsible for their child's welfare. So are staff in schools, doctors in hospitals who are treating children, passers-by who go to the aid of someone who is hurt and so on.

Why do you think these groups of people are mutually exclusive? Children's welfare is everybody's business.

If a teacher is not aware of something that may be happening in a child's life then they can't be aware/sympathetic/supportive/keep an eye out etc.

I am just a parent at my DCs school. If told about self harm - I would make sure the school was informed. In most cases my DC have already informed the school.
But I also have informed my DC that I will only keep confidences to the point that I judge that someone is in danger.

If statistics are so important then maybe safeguarding leads should take precedence. After all children are statistically far more likely to be harmed or killed by parents than by a school safeguarding lead. Or perhaps more than one person could look out for a child. The parents could look out for their child's welfare and hold the school to account and schools could also look out for their welfare. That way if either the school or the parent aren't adequately caring for the child's needs then action can be taken.

On the other hand, parents could phone up the school and report bullying, at which point the safeguarding leads will do precisely fuck all about it.

Oh I see, neck, this is nothing to do with the OP and everything to do with your own axe-grinding.

Consider as a random thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2629919-Bullying-should-I-just-take-him-out-of-school-Please-help-desperate-for-advice

Could you point to why the school in this account should be trusted with anything? Perhaps before teachers start interfering outside the school, they could fix what's happening on the premise?

I'm a teacher at my daughters school. She is fully aware that I will report anything that I consider puts a child in danger. She often comes to me because she knows I will report it. Her friends know I will report stuff too. Oddly this doesn't stop then coming to me directly with problems. They see me as someone who will help. Reporting stuff won't mean a full scale investigation. The report will be kept in record and there may well already be reports. We are asked to report cuts on children's arms that may be a result of self harm. It may turn out to be nothing but I would feel awful if I knew something and did nothing about it leading to someone seriously hurting themselves or not getting the help they need.

neck

No one needs to "consider as a random thread".

Read the OP - this thread is not about you, it's not about bullying and it's not about the unrelated negativity you clearly feel you towards schools.

It'd be pretty embarrassing if you get called in by the school who want to let you know that your child is self-harming and you then have to say "yes I know".

It'd be worse to be completely taken by surprise.

When my dd was cutting herself, we didn't tell the school. Largely because we knew that if it was brought formally to their attention that they would be duty-bound to pursue it. If we could have had a private chat with a trusted teacher about it, that wouldn't have gone any further, I would have happily taken that option.

In the OP's situation, I don't know what the father should do re school. Whatever his conscience tells him (although I do think a pp's idea of tipping off the form tutor to 'spot' something is probably the best on this thread). But I'd be trying to contact the other parents to let them know.

I had to report something similar recently. DD wanted to keep it confidential.

In the end I emailed the X's form tutor directly to say I had a DD at the school who knew that X was prone to self-harm. I did not name my DD although the teacher could have worked it out I reckon (else I could have set up an anon email address). My DD knew reasons why X might be upset very soon & we were both concerned that X needed a support system to hopefully not self-harm again.

Tbh, there are LOTS of ways to pass on info in confidence but keep source anonymous.

In the OP's situation, I don't know what the father should do re school. Whatever his conscience tells him

No, that's not what the father's safeguarding training will have taught him. Teachers don't get to decide which concerns to report and which not to, based on "conscience".

Could the girl have told your daughter in the hope that it might reach your husband? Maybe she wants to tell an adult but can't summon up the courage to do so directly.

The op's husband is the same as any other parent in the way that he has heard about this, at home from a son or daughter. In your own home and outside the school you have same responsibility as any other parent. he is not a teacher 24 hours a day. As a parent hearing this I have changed my view given some of the posts and think that I would contact the school, but I do not believe that he has any more responsibility given the circumstances.

The information he has been given concerns students in his school, therefore it is a school matter.

His responsibility to safeguard children does not end when school is over.

OP's DD sounds like she doesn't want her father to tell the relevant staff - she thinks the school already knows.

Serious case review reports are full of incidences of things going wrong because people assumed other people had information they didn't have.