DS (15) wants to take alcohol to a party - advice please

[LoveBeingAMum555]

Hi

DS is 15 and has never really shown any interest in drinking - so far. He has been invited to a party this weekend. The party is at the house of a nice family who have a quiet, well behaved daughter.

Everyone is taking alcohol to the party he says - and he can show me the facebook messages to prove it! I have said that I am not sending him off to this party with cans of cider/lager. He is only 15, I dont want to be responsible for him getting drunk at this party and if I do give him alcohol I dont know who else is going to end up drinking it.

But am I being too strict here? Would you be happy to let your 15 year old go to a party with alcohol? I am going to try and speak to another parent whose kids are going to this party but I need other opinions.

[PrimalLass]

But if drinking in the park or at the beach we'd be totally shit faced I miss my teens.

[motherinferior]

Drinking While Hanging Around Pointlessly.

[Kidsrulethishouse]

My mum sent me to a party at 15 but refused to let me take any drink. I still got silly drunk, probably just to spite her! Better to let him know that you trust him to be responsible, give him a couple of cans/bottles of something weak and hope for the best. I remember too well what I was like at that age and dread my daughters growing up!

[Yasmin1592]

Send him with some bottles of shandy 😂

[nuttymango]

I thought it was illegal to buy it in a shop specifically for them?

From the drink aware website: For an adult to buy or attempt to buy alcohol on behalf of someone under 18. (Retailers can reserve the right to refuse the sale of alcohol to an adult if they’re accompanied by a child and think the alcohol is being bought for the child.) 

[2catsnowaiting]

Both the legal and health issues are really pointless here. Reality is, if teenagers want to drink they will find a way. You can't stop that unless you lock them in their bedroom until they're 18.

So either you tell them not to drink and believe them when they lie to you about it. Or you give them what you consider less dangerous drinks, and also offer advice about drinking.

And I would absolutely be picking up a 15 year old from a party, or being in contact with the parents late in the evening to check everything is ok.

[needacar]

Not all 15 year olds drink!! Honestly it's odd the way people on this thread assume that they do.

[Bolograph]

"On behalf of" does not mean "for the consumption of".

asThe Drink Aware wording (assuming you're quoting it accurately) is misleading, and your interpretation of it is not the actual law. "On behalf of" means that the controlling mind of the transaction is the child.

Illegal: "Mister, will you buy us a bottle of Chardonnay? Give you a tenner, mister!"

Legal: "Darling, if you're going to Lysander's sixteenth tonight, would you like a bottle of this rather cheeky but charming Chardonnay?"

In other news, it's perfectly legal to buy Evostick for your child's hobby project even though it's an age-restricted solvent, and it's perfectly legal to buy a small decent-quality kitchen knife thinking it'll make it easier for your child to slice apples, even though knives are age-restricted.

[Bolograph]

So either you tell them not to drink and believe them when they lie to you about it. Or you give them what you consider less dangerous drinks, and also offer advice about drinking.

This.

And I would absolutely be picking up a 15 year old from a party, or being in contact with the parents late in the evening to check everything is ok.

This, with knobs on.

[nuttymango]

Yes, it's cut and pasted from the website.

My DS is 17 and he's been allowed to try alcohol and take weak alcohol to parties. I'd rather know what he's taking than have him trying to buy it, though I don't think he would try.

[meowli]

Not all 15 year olds drink!!

I'm sure you're right, but I would hazard an educated guess that a very high percentage do drink at parties/gatherings. If you're the lucky parent of a teenager who hates the taste of alcohol, or just doesn't like its effects, fine. But if you're not, you have the choice of setting up an unenforceable ban, and have them go behind your back, or engaging in a dialogue with them which is likely to involve you in a mitigating compromise.

[MrsJayy]

Surely going behind your parents back is normal all you relaxed parents are not giving your 15yr olds any amo to rebel

[meowli]

You may have a point, MrsJayy

goes off to rethink entire parenting strategy

[Natsku]

Maybe they'll rebel by not drinking!

[SeptaUnella]

LOL at the idea that handing your 15 year olds alcohol to take a party is going to teach them moderate drinking. Sounds like few of you have either a) been a university student or young professional within the past 10 years, or b) hung out with that age group on a night out within the past 10 years. I can promise you, no one is moderately drinking.

Really, all you're doing is reinforcing this:

But hey, good luck. Enforcing boundaries is so hard. And at least your kids are, like, totally popular and stuff. ;-)

[Xxxlaineyxxx]

I know full well that when I was going to parties at 15 (20 odd years ago), we all had a few drinks to take with us. A few. We were all well behaved, and it took the mystery out of it for us - there was no need to go drinking in the park or bus shelter because we knew what it was like to get slightly pissed and none of us were overly keen, TBH. I don't think a couple of cans will do much harm - if everyone was being told to take a bottle of jäger and a crate then I'd start to be worried, but this doesn't seem too horrific. Have a chat beforehand about being responsible, and make sure you say that whatever happens, you will be available to pick him up after. Give him a bit of trust and he shouldn't let you down. I hope. X

[claraschu]

How many of you prohibitionists are the same people who say that denying young children sugar and screens will just make them crave those forbidden fruits?

[Lurkedforever1]

I can think of any number of teens who have parents who refuse to let them drink, and having been the one who has then ended up dealing with them when they are blind drunk, because they don't dare call home, I can assure anyone smug enough to think saying 'no' doesn't cut it. No doubt their parents are still clapping themselves on the back at their fantastic discipline. Little realising how drunk their obedient dc have been.

And my dd isn't even at that age, so I'm not talking about experience from one mad party. Just random loosely associated teens that have ended up in a state.

[needacar]

Omg. Honestly. When dd was 15 she went to a party with most of her year group and ONE girl got paralytic
Loads of them didn't drink at all!

Why would she lie?! she can't drink due to medication as I've said above. So nothing to gain by fibbing about her friends drinking, in fact she loved to tell me the gory details.

[80Kgirl]

not all children rebel. It depends on the character of your children and the sort of relationship you have with them.

We do a lot of sport as a family, we talk about nutrition and smoking etc. I feel comfortable saying that drinking carries risks, but I understand being curious and wanting to be included. I personally feel that fifteen is a little young to be supplying them with alcohol, but I realise this depends in part on where you live and who your child's friends are. Everyone has slightly different terrain to navigate.

[Lurkedforever1]

I didn't say they all lie, or that all teens want to drink. And if you've explained it in terms of medication or similar, then you aren't in the 'no because I said so' group. But when you do just say a flat no, if they really want to, they will. And if a teen has been banned from drinking, and then ends up paralytic, it leaves them very vulnerable if they can't call their parents. The teen girls I've ended up with here, three of whom I'd never even met before wouldn't have been here if they or their friends had thought they could call the parents. And lucky for them they ended up being helped by a sober adult woman, rather than with people who would take advantage or just leave them.

Or even not being paralytic, like when my friends ds was at a party, with most having had a few drinks. Which then ended up with gate crashers looking for a fight. Friends slightly merry ds rang them and asked for a lift home, do you think the teen who thinks they'll be grounded for drinking would do that?

I'd also say that when it comes to parties, with some form of supervision, the teens downing stronger drinks at great speed before going in, or sneaking out to do so, are the ones who end up very drunk. Not the teens who have permission to drink a few weaker drinks, who can then do so in front of the host parents.

[MrsJayy]

My DDS always knew the could call us we are not naieve to think they would never drink but we just didn't supply them wkd same as we would not buy them a pack of 10 fags if they fancied a smoke in fact the teens I knew who were given drink usually were the ones who ended up paralytic and spewing everywhere at parties

[MrsJayy]

Oh and shagging randoms I might have been an uncool mun but I heard what went on my friend had no clue what her DD was up to some very risky behaviour all caused by alcohol as a young teen

[SeptaUnella]

If my teen ended up paralytic at a party because she snuck drink, I would definitely expect the host parent to contact me and let me keep am eye on her health, and enforce boundaries as I see fit. I would definitely not be impressed if her friend's parents thought it was appropriate to help her keep secrets from me, so she could avoid being grounded. What the fuck. That is a serious safety issue.

It's not okay to teach teenagers that they must have alcohol to be sociable. And it's not okay to hide a teen getting drunk from their own parents.

[SeptaUnella]

I'm curious to know what everyone's strategy is if their teenagers' pals start taking MDMA, or snorting cocaine. Are you all planning to find a nice dealer in the neighbourhood, and encourage them to try their first hits or snort lines with them in the kitchen?