DS (15) wants to take alcohol to a party - advice please

[LoveBeingAMum555]

Hi

DS is 15 and has never really shown any interest in drinking - so far. He has been invited to a party this weekend. The party is at the house of a nice family who have a quiet, well behaved daughter.

Everyone is taking alcohol to the party he says - and he can show me the facebook messages to prove it! I have said that I am not sending him off to this party with cans of cider/lager. He is only 15, I dont want to be responsible for him getting drunk at this party and if I do give him alcohol I dont know who else is going to end up drinking it.

But am I being too strict here? Would you be happy to let your 15 year old go to a party with alcohol? I am going to try and speak to another parent whose kids are going to this party but I need other opinions.

[Bolograph]

I would much rather he didn't touch alcohol until he was 18 - or older - but in the UK in 2016 it is simply not going to happen

Could you point out a country or a year in which it was going to happen?

[cressetmama]

Well there was beer (and other substances) at all the parties I went to in the 1970s.

[cressetmama]

And hangovers, while unpleasant, rarely last beyond mid-afternoon!

[motherinferior]

You and me both, Cresset. We jolly school-aged kids got up to all sorts of japes

[Tequilamockinbird]

Yes I would, and have.

DD went to parties at 15 and I would give her 2 bottles of kopparberg or some other fruity cider to drink. She never came home drunk.

15 year old's will drink at parties. IMO it's better to give them something to take with them and be in control of the situation, than refuse to let them take any, in which case they'll just drink some of everybody else's and end up legless.

[Lurkedforever1]

As the parents will supposedly be there, I would ask them if they have okayed alcohol, because otherwise it would be rude to rock up with a clanking bag.

Otherwise I'd happily provide a few drinks along the lines of beer or alco-pops.

Firstly because if teenagers want to drink, they will. And it's better to know what they're drinking, and that if there's any problem they will get in touch, rather than being too scared because you'll find out about the drink.

Secondly, alcohol within reason is a perfectly acceptable pleasure, so why would you not be open about it? Nobody wakes up on their 18th bday suddenly aware of how to drink sensibly.

Teens with parents who are open about it, and allow it within reason are never the ones in a vulnerable half passed out state.

[meowli]

15 year old's will drink at parties. IMO it's better to give them something to take with them and be in control of the situation, than refuse to let them take any, in which case they'll just drink some of everybody else's and end up legless.

^^ Absolutely right.

Either that or they'll get someone else's older sibling to go and buy spirits for them.

[cressetmama]

Glad to know that other parents were young in the 70s, MI; I think life was more edgy then, and we were less protected. However, I still wonder about condoms? Is this a mother's responsibility? Better a hangover than an STD or an unwanted pregnancy, IMO.

[Groovee]

I recently allowed my 16 year old and her friend drink with the approval of their parents. We agreed on 2 330mls cans of kopperburg and one frozen cocktail. All were 4% and I provided stodgy food to soak it up.

[motherinferior]

Speaking as the mother of a 15 year old girl, I think a discreet condom is a good idea.

[cressetmama]

Thank you, MI. Agreed.

[80Kgirl]

I'm sad to think that early/first sexual experiences are presumed to happen unplanned and while under the influence of alcohol. I'm just beginning to grasp what a charmed life I've led.

[badg3r]

At that age my parents would give me four stubbies of beer and send me on my way.

There will be adults present. It is better you know what he is drinking. He will be in a safe environment. He'll be fine.

I can remember feeling so grown up leaving the house with four tiny bottles of warm, weak beer! And also encouraged to only drink what I had been given because heaven forbid when I got home my parents thought I had got shit faced off of only four (small) beers

[meowli]

As a side issue, party etiquette seems to have changed. When I went to parties in my teens, I'm sure I remember it being the done thing to give any bottles to the host for communal use, just like I would now. My teenagers seemed at first baffled, then aghast, when I assumed this was what they did. It seems any alcohol taken is consumed by the individual who takes it, and not given to the host at all!

[cressetmama]

80Kgirl, I desperately hope that his first sexual experience is the result of a settled, secure, happy, love relationship. But I would feel it a dereliction of parental responsibility if a forward lass were to take advantage of his inexperience. If there were to be consequences that I could have helped to avoid, I think I should do so. Not all lads are predators; DS has had lots of come ons (and is famously picky) but they are all curious. And alcohol loosens inhibitions. Be prepared, say the scouts.

[chocolateworshipper]

Lots of comments about the law - but possibly it is more important to think about health consequences. I have been to an event where a very senior member of the NHS was explaining that children's bodies cannot cope with alcohol, and she advised in no uncertain terms that children should not have ANY alcohol. I am in no way telling you what to do - because all parents have to make their own choices about their own children, but I just throw this thought into the mix for you to consider. Good luck with whatever you decide x

[motherinferior]

But are 15 year olds children? And also, given that they're almost certainly going to drink anyway, is it responsible or irresponsible to manage their drinking (and I didn't know that they mostly now take their own booze and am quite relieved, actually)?

Wrt condoms: well, personally I feel if a spot of cheerful experimentation is going to get out of hand it is a much better idea to use contraception.

[Natsku]

I never talked to my parents about alcohol being at parties! They knew it was there, I knew they knew, but I'd never ask them to supply it. How times have changed!

I'd check with the parents and if its ok then provide a few beers/ciders.

[chocolateworshipper]

mother - in terms of medical advice about alcohol - yes, 15 year olds absolutely are children.

[80Kgirl]

www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122765890

You made me curious chocolate, so I did some googling. I was surprised how much impact drinking could have on teenage brains. Heavy drinking was defined as binging on 4 to 5 drinks 2 or 3 times a month. This doesn't sound like an unusual amount for older teenagers to me. And the brain isn't fully developed until 25 years old. Yikes!

We live in a culture where being young and having four beers on a Saturday night two times a month doesn't sound out of bounds. Reading this stuff I'd prefer they didn't drink, but of course they will want to socialise and fit in.

[CointreauVersial]

Chocolate - you mention the effect of alcohol on children's bodies.....but at 15, DS was both taller and heavier than me. Certainly an adult in body (perhaps not in mind ).

[Bolograph]

I was surprised how much impact drinking could have on teenage brains.

And how crap the studies are, consisting mostly of speculation.

[80Kgirl]

Bolograph do you work for Diageo?

[MrsJayy]

I never provided alcohol to my under age teenagers I don't agree with it I don't think it achieve s anything but it's up to you if you are dead against it don't send them with weak beer or a couple of wkds its your call not what everyone else does
My DC are not raging alcoholic s because I didn't give them wkd at 15

[80Kgirl]

The brain is not fully developed until at least 25 years old Cointreau. This is now broadly accepted.

They aren't "crap studies" Bolograph, unless you are one of those flat Earth types who doesn't believe anything science has to say and the more elite the institution publishing the report, the more you distrust it as a grand conspiracy.

Another thoughtful article from the NY Times (which is not a scientific journal but much more pleasant to read and highly respected):

www.nytimes.com/2006/07/04/health/04teen.html?8dpc&_r=0

I completely understand that alcohol is a part of our culture and that young people will want to drink. I think you have to balance up your child wanting to fit in and participate socially against any long term loss of potential they may suffer as a result of drinking. Frankly, we worry about heavy metals in the water, diesel particulates in the air, mercury in the fish, hormones in the milk, pesticides, etc. but then we say go ahead and have a few beers. It doesn't really make sense. I think it is too much to expect my DC to be tea-total, after all I am not, but I do share this information with them.