DS (15) wants to take alcohol to a party - advice please

[LoveBeingAMum555]

Hi

DS is 15 and has never really shown any interest in drinking - so far. He has been invited to a party this weekend. The party is at the house of a nice family who have a quiet, well behaved daughter.

Everyone is taking alcohol to the party he says - and he can show me the facebook messages to prove it! I have said that I am not sending him off to this party with cans of cider/lager. He is only 15, I dont want to be responsible for him getting drunk at this party and if I do give him alcohol I dont know who else is going to end up drinking it.

But am I being too strict here? Would you be happy to let your 15 year old go to a party with alcohol? I am going to try and speak to another parent whose kids are going to this party but I need other opinions.

[JanetRomano]

Meant to say my youngest's bf's mom doesn't want him to drink.

[JanetRomano]

I think you have handled it the right way especially now that he's older and he's responsible with alcohol. Although mine haven't taken alcohol to parties mine are free to have a drink at home with me when they want to and I am teaching them that alcohol is fine when they are responsible with it. My oldest's bf is allowed to drink at his house so he will have a drink when he's here but my oldest's mom doesn't want him drinking so when he's here I abide by his mom's wishes.

[orangetree99]

Is he young in his year? My DS is a late August birthday and two weeks after his 15th birthday he started going to 16th parties with alcohol and I must admit I was a bit shocked. We ended up letting him go to with a couple of small bottles and guidelines to alternate them with soft drinks and don't drink anything else. I don't know if he stuck to that but didn't seem to come home ill and the amount of drink he took to parties did get more as time went on but 5 years on he is a sensible drinker so I think we did the right thing. We also used to collect him from parties even if really late rather than him sleeping over - he preferred it and at least we knew he wasn't drinking all night!

[meowli]

buying it for them encourages drinking, I know that they are going to drink and inevitably what happens is that a friends older sibling buys it for them.

I don't understand why that is more acceptable to you, than you buying a limited amount for them.

[JanetRomano]

I have allowed my two teens to have a drink with me occasionally but so far I have never let them go to a party and bring alcohol. I do think you handled it well given the circumstances of the party and the fact that he was open and honest with you.

[eggcustard1]

I have to agree with the parents that have said to have a talk before the party about sensible drinking, arrange to collect them after and allow them to take a small amount of something weak. They then know that you are placing some trust in them. Of course this all depends on your dd or ds, I felt mine would be sensible and so far has been....... I feel it is about us educating our kids about their own limits, dangers etc as you can't stage the world for them and ring ahead everywhere all their lives to check how things are going to be. We put the advice/morals etc in whilst young and then hope they use them when older.....

[Dolly43]

Hi, difficult isn't it, I too used to drink at 15. I have an 18 year old and a16! Year old, personally for me I never bought my children alcohol, I understand the rationale of if you buy it you know what they are having! But there is also the flipside that they will drink what you buy them plus what they can scource!! I think that in my opinion buying it for them encourages drinking, I know that they are going to drink and inevitably what happens is that a friends older sibling buys it for them. That said if we have a family party then I do allow them to have a drink not much and more often than not they decline! Of course it is all down to personal parenting x

[hewl]

A few of dds friends don't drink. They aren't lying, they are not Muslim (AFAIK). Just hard working, sporty and probably a bit serious. Not silly twats like me and my teenage mates were.

[CointreauVersial]

It's interesting...smoking isn't cool any more either.

[Bolograph]

The question is whether it's true.

If it's true, one explanation might be the rise in Islam and other tee-total religions amongst the under-25 age group, because those demographics slew very young.

If it's not true, one hypothesis would be that in the past, it was cool to claim to drink even if you didn't, while today it might be that it's cool to claim you don't (vide supra) even if you do.

You might also hypothesise the rise of coffee, university loans...

Certainly, in an urban university with a medical school and a dental school (ie, with a lot of Muslim students) the student union bars are on life-support, and the volumes of booze being sold as both on- and off-sales there are in sharp decline.

[meowli]

^^
Bolograph? Can you come and interpret?!

[hewl]

From BBC news website, made me think of this thread!

The data is striking. In Great Britain:
Those aged under 25 are a third more likely to be teetotal now than in 2005
A quarter of young people do not drink at all
Illegal drug use among the under-25s has also fallen by more than a quarter since 2004

[Bolograph]

I just don't see how this is a success

He came home relatively sober and talked to his mother. Presumably with your superior parenting skills you can tell us how you managed your teenagers to a higher standard?

[motherinferior]

Badab, that sounds like a lot less drinking than when I was a teenager 37 years ago!

[titchy]

Any scenario where a teen tells their mum what happened is a success in my book!

[badabadabadabwee]

So even though he agreed not to drink anything else, he also had lager, vodka, additional cider, and maybe Baileys too? I just don't see how this is a success but as already outlined upthread I am aware I am apparently old-fashioned! We as a nation will be paying for it in decades to come though...

[CointreauVersial]

Well done! I think you handled it very well, and he paid you back by being both sensible and honest.

I bet he thinks the friend who overdid it was a bit of an idiot, and hopefully he won't be in a hurry to join him anytime soon.

[80Kgirl]

I'm glad it all worked out. Sounds like he had a nice time and was in a better position than some of his friends.

[LoveBeingAMum555]

Hi all

Well I am back to report on what happened. I said to my son that I would rather he didnt drink at all at 15 but seeing as he had been honest with me I would supply him with 2 small bottles of cider and that was that. I told him that I didnt want him drinking anything else and we had a general chat about alcohol, behaviour, trust etc.

I then scoured the supermarket shelves for the weakest cider that I could find and it was interesting to note how much the alcohol content varied.

I picked him up at 11pm. He admitted that someone else had brought vodka and he had tried some - it was grim. He also said that he had shared some cider and lager that friends had brought but clearly hadnt had too much. He was very giddy but had had a great time.

The next day he told me that one friend had not been allowed to take alcohol so had raided their parents kitchen cupboard and found an old bottle of Baileys at the back. They had decanted some into a plastic drinks bottle and taken that. He also said that one friend had taken 8 small bottles of weak lager to share and had drunk the lot and being sick all over themselves.

Other than that it seems that everyone behaved themselves and I feel like I handled it as well as I could. I dont expect this to be happening again any time soon. If DS came to me and said that he was doing the same thing again next weekend, or could he have some cider to take down to the park he would get a very different response.

I spoke to a friend who has an 11 year old daughter who was horrified that I was buying alcohol for him. I would have probably reacted the same way when DS was 11 but you just have to do what feels right at the time.

[Canda]

Oh and BTW fairly horrified about the discreet condom idea. Condoms fine but discreet? Why not have an open chat about sex while drinking and making sure your partner is definitely up for it? Too many young women are sexually assaulted at parties and a condom will be cold comfort in that scenario. Apologies if that's not what you meant by discreet.

[Canda]

I and 250 other 16-18 year olds once got stranded in deep countryside around 2 hour's walk to nearest town middle of night (long story, not our fault, it made national press). I didn't phone my parents for help bcs I'd been drinking (was 16). Luckily a friend called hers so I got a lift home with them. My DCs are small but I would never ever want them to be in that position so will definitely acknowledge alcohol and how to limit its risks rather than ban.

[Lurkedforever1]

septa they weren't my Dd's friends, I wouldn't know the parents if I walked into them, and I wasn't hosting the parties. Or indeed in one case a piss up in an isolated field. I ended up with them because teens I do know thought 'oh shit, we need help, and if I ring my parents, although they'll be ok, they'd feel obliged to contact yours'. Or their mate has begged them not to ring parents. 'I know, I'll ask lurked'.

And as for ones I do know, I wouldn't betray their trust. Because if they had ever found themselves too scared to go home again, but in a mess either cos they're stupidly drunk, or just merry but in a potentially dangerous situation, I'd rather they came to me than remain and something happen to them, because I told their parents last time.

[meowli]

I would definitely expect the host parent to contact me and let me keep am eye on her health

Good luck with that, then. Highly unlikely that 'host parents' know who all the guests are, let alone have contact details for all their parents! We're talking teenage parties here, not pass-the-parcel and goody bags at home time.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

That was to Septa ridiculous post btw.,

[needacar]

I think its fine to say no. I know this is an impossible concept to some parents. If you say no and they drink anyway - meh, at least you know you've tried!