Sons girlfriends

[Ineedanapasap]

Sorry for such a long post and please do not judge me as a bad mother as that is what happened last time.

I have 2 sons. 19 and 17. They are both in relationships with girls of the same age. My eldest had been with his just over a year and my youngest with his 2 years.

They are both lovely girls but I feel like there are some problems between them. The eldests girlfriend had basically lived with us from the day they got together until my son went on a week holiday in the summer (4 months) whilst the youngests parents were very strict and wouldn't let her come over most week nights until she had left school and didn't let her stay until after her 16th birthday in the summer. I feel like this made her very jealous of the elder girl.

When my son left for his holiday his gf obviously went home for the time my son was away but we still chatted though texts and Facebook regually. The day she went home I got told by my younger son and his gf that my elder son and his gf had been smoking in the house while I was away the week before he left for his holiday, I then searched his room and found cigarette butts and bottles of half drank flavoured vodka in his room and 2 empty litre cider bottles in the recycling. My son and his girlfriend were 18 at the time so it was perfectly legal but I was obviously fuming as I would never allow smoking inside the house and I had never known my son to be smoking or drinking like that so out of anger I blamed the girlfriend and said she was no longer welcome in my home. I never discussed this with her as I wanted to talk to her and my son together when he got home. No more than 2/3 days later the girlfriend received a very nasty text calling her a drug addict and alcoholic and loads of other nastiness and saying she was no longer allowed in my house. Upset by this she sent me screenshots of the text and explained that she wasn't like that, after speaking to her mum I came to the understanding that she wasn't a big drinker and she has never been a smoker either. I apologised to the gf and explained that I was angry and I know it wasn't her fault, all was forgiven.

Until a few hours later when the gf found out how this misterious texter got this information. My youngests girlfriend has sent one of her friends a screenshot of a conversation between her and my son in which she had blamed the elder girl for my sons behaviour and my younger son had told her I had said she was no longer welcome. They both denied all knowledge of this screenshot being sent. I left it as that as the elder girlfriend was happy as long a i knew the truth about her and didn't want to cause problems.

A week later my son returned from his holiday and I assumed everything would go back to normal with his girlfriend. But it didn't, she tells my son she does not feel welcome in the house anymore and she hasn't stayed over since before the holiday. On the days she does come over she spends a lot of time downstairs watching tv and talking with me but as soon as my younger son come home with his girlfriend she hides away in my sons room or even leaves to go home. This only happened with the girlfriend, she is fine with my son and talks to him and get along with him fine. This is very upsetting for me as we had a very good relationship and I do miss her a lot.

Recently it had come to my attention that the younger gf actually did know about the the text that had got sent and the people she had denied knowing actually turned out to be some of her and my sons friends. I also hear a lot of the time the younger girlfriend making remarks and sometime quite bitchy comments about the elder girlfriend. I just don't know what to do as I love both the girls and I have a good relationship with both but there is obviously problems between them that neither are willing to sort, either out of fear of causing to much drama or just not wanting too and lying about it. 

I'm also having a lot of problems with the younger girl recently. She has started to be quite rude to me and my partner, disobeying us and lying to us. She has also started upsetting my son by being very controlling and not letting him have a social life out side of her.

Would it make sense to just tell her that she can't spend as much time over ours now? As she is spending most nights here. To give the elder girl a chance to come back into the family and start spending more time with us and also to give my son a break from her. Or would this cause more problems?

I really need some advice as o don't have experience with this at all as this is my youngests first relationship and the first of the eldests girlfriends we have been involved with.

I tried posting this a few days ago but I got it deleted as one person replied with vey personal information about her family and their names. I thought I'd give it a try again as I'm still no clearer on what to do. Few things that came up in the last post that I can add now.

Both my sons work full time and pay me rent, the eldest girlfriend works full time too and while she was living with us she contributed too by helping tidy, helping me with the shopping and helping me cook. I never asked her for money as this was not appropriate to me. My home is also my sons home regardless of them paying rent so I feel that as long as they are respecting me and my rules they are free to do as they please. Although some of you may feel it was not appropriate to have the girlfriend to stay as much as she did, I don't agree.

Another thing that was said a lot is i am too involved and I'm making matters worse by getting close to the girls. Although valid points I have to disagree yet again. Maybe I might be but my sons come to me and I give advice like any mother would. I wouldn't say I get involved too much, I've tried to stay nuteral with everyone and this post is really the only involvement I have had. I also don't think me being close to the girls is a bad thing, they are my sons girlfriends therefore are now part of my family whether you think the relationship with just dye off and not last. At 19 years old it's not to crazy to think that that relationship may last a long time. But even if they do break up, whether in a week or however long, whilst they are with my sons they are part of my family IMO.

I would just let them get on with it and not care but I rarely get to see much of my eldest as he is always at his gfs house due to her not feeling happy in my home. I also can't just leave them to sort it out as it will not get sorted. The youngest girlfriend is very immature as she has been very mollycoddled up until her 16th birthday so it's hard for her to maturely sort things out. She get very upset very quick and she often lies if she thinks the truth will get her in trouble.

Thank you and I appreciate the advice I get given even if I disagree.

No agreed onfleek . Not a non issue.

I don't dislike the younger girlfriend at all, I do like her. She just seems to be causing a lot of issues recently. She isn't just copying someone's style, the hair is copying someone's style. She went out and brought something she knew the other girl really wanted before she got them to be spiteful and my son has even agreed that that is what she did and she has also going to copy a very personal tattoo that she has been asked not to.

Both my sons told me after they read this post that the elder girlfriend even offered to help her design a tattoo that was similar to her tattoo so she could still have a tattoo she likes but not have copied something special to her family but she wasn't interested.

Just remember, the shoes, hair, clothes or whatever else she could copy can be changed. Tattoos are permeant and often meaningful to each individual.

Good god why are you banging on about shoes/tattoos/hair? Get a hobby 🙄

I would just leave them all to it. Speak to the parents like you've planned as it seems like it's something requested by the girls mum to but then stay the F out of it all. They can handle their own problems. If girls are creating problems tell them neither can come over.

I do understand the upset over the tattoo though. I would be outraged if I had found out some one i knew was copying one of my meaningful tattoos, especially if I'd asked them not to and even offered to help design something similar they may like.

If the older girls tattoo is something designed by her late grandad then it's a one off? How could a tattooist copy it onto the younger girl without seeing the original?

WOW. I'm a shocked at how rude you are being to this poor mother. She has come on here looking for our help and advice and quite frankly it seems most people have been quite rude and offensive. We are all guilty of getting to involved in our children at one point, it's only natural. Going on about about hair and shoes would be rather pathetic and nit picky but she has only mentioned that twice. What she has been "banging on about" is that tattoo and rightly so. I wouldn't be happy if someone was stealing something of deep meaning to my family either.

You do need to take a step back from all this though. Although the younger 2 are still "children" the older 2 are adults now and should just be left to deal with their own problems. They can ask for advice but do not let them drag you into the middle of their problems. X

Lieselmeminger She sent my son a picture of it a few months ago as it is her most recent tattoo. He then sent the picture to other son as he wanted to see (elder girlfriend and younger son get on quite well and he is really interested in tattoos so she had told him she was getting a new tattoo that week) and then girlfriend got hold of it that way.

If she is only 17 it's illegal for her to be tattooed. If it really comes down to it you could report it before she gets it done then that will put a stop to it. Or even jail threaten her uncle with reporting it, he will lose his license. No other legit tattoo artist would tattoo anyone under 18 and most will refuse to tattoo something if they have word of it being "stolen" from someone else or its someone else's design used without their knowledge. One of mine and DHs friends is a tattoo artist and he has just confirmed this for us. There are a few exceptions though.

I meant to say just not jail.

'' When I told her about the younger girl doing this she just laughed and made a joke about her being an inspiration.''

Right there proves your over involvement, and honestly that you're just adding fuel to the fire. Youre spending your time laughing and slating your younger sons girlfriend with the older ones girlfriend. You are not 19, you are not this girls friend but in fact a potential mother in law.

You are definitely blinded by your closeness to the situation. When I lived at home I had a long term relationship, the bf stayed at our house 2/3 nights a week. He was polite to my parents, ate with them, watched films with them - did NOT gossip with them, and especially did not talk about my brothers and their girlfriends with them.

Do you realise this will end badly?

Both parents will think there right, mother girl will appreciate you involving their parents and I can predict they will ban the girls from your house

Your sons will now spend all their time at GF house and ask them advice etc

Think you want to call it off and let the girls parents - parent their children with out you in the middle

I think that you need to be less involved too. That said I would maybe try and make it so that they all have less time together. Why not say that elder girlfriend can stay over different nights to younger d's girlfriend. There will then be less chance of the the jealous behaviour. I would avoid talking about the girls to each other and feign disinterest in any gossip or social media bitchiness about tattoo or shoes or whatever.