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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

reading your childs diary?

17 replies

israel · 28/05/2004 19:28

Would you ever read your childs diary?
If so ....under which cirumstances?
I have n't, but cannot get my daughter to confide in me, why she is troubled...I know that she writes her thoughts down....would you try and read it secretly, or leave well alone?

OP posts:
kalex · 28/05/2004 19:33

I would leave well alone!!!!

If you find something that you would like to address how do u do it? U r having sleepless nights already? Can you not get somebody older & wiser "a mentor" speak to her and find out whats going on?

If you read her diary and she finds out, she will really not like you, Alot.

Why r u worried about her? Only if you want to tell

lilibet · 28/05/2004 19:36

Personally speaking, as the mother of a 15 yearld girl, yes I would, but (big but!) if you read something that you don't like what will you do? You cant tell her that you saw it in her diary as that would really be the end of any trust that she has in you. And if you read that she is doing something that you think is unsafe/illegal and all of a sudden you start mentioning it in casual conversation she may be able to guess.

Would you like it if you had a diary and she read it?

Do you have a sister/best mate who could perhaps take her shopping/ for a pizza and have chat with her? She amy open up to someone else and althought it would be hard knowing that it wasn't you it would at lest mean that she is talking to someone. How old is your dd? Do you have no idea at all what is the matter?

Original poster
israel · 28/05/2004 19:40

I sometimes find her sobbing,alone...
She has usually told me what is upsetting her...but not this time.....for about 6 weeks now.
Tomorrow she goes away on a school trip and still hasn't mentioned what she is worried/upset about.....
We are moving and I have asked her if this is it, but she says no....
I dont want to read her personal thoughts as I would feel I am betraying her trust.
Your right, maybe I can approach one of her friends....My dd is 12 and will be 13 next week.

OP posts:
lilibet · 28/05/2004 19:42

bless her, poor little love, its a horrid age. What's her teacher like? Is it worth ringing him/her for a chat without your dd knowing?

littlemissbossy · 28/05/2004 19:44

Do not read the diary unless you can stomach the contents and never repeat them ... even to her ... that would ruin any trust between you. I would follow lillibet's suggestion, but try and take her out yourself first, if she'll go - I know how difficult teenagers can be. Being a teenager's tough - remember?? (I do) and the smallest of things can be troubling at that age, so try not to worry. A reassurance from Mum that you're there if she needs a chat may be all she needs ATM

ScummyMummy · 28/05/2004 19:45

Please don't read her diary- it must be so tempting but it really would be a massive breach of trust IMO. Hope things feel better for her soon, though.

littlemissbossy · 28/05/2004 19:45

Sorry posts crossed and I hadn't read your update, lillibets idea is good. Could you also have a word with any of her friends? or friends parents to see if anything has been said?

Piffleoffagus · 28/05/2004 19:48

you often only find out things you never wanted to know, but in this situation if I could read it without her knowing then I would...
Unless you can think of any other angle to approach it from
I hope she is ok, it sounds very angsty for you all

Original poster
israel · 28/05/2004 19:52

I will see how she comes home from having a week away...I do hope she has a wonderful time and enjoys herself.....maybe its what she needs..
It's what we all need sometimes...I'll try not to worry....as you say things can seem blown up beyond recognition when your that age.
Thanks for the advice...israel

OP posts:
Original poster
israel · 29/05/2004 10:19

Relief...relief....She spoke to me this morning..just before her trip away....She is missing her grandad..my dad, who died last Sept...she hadn't wanted to say because she thought it would have upset me too much....
Thank god I know!...without reading it in her diary and betraying her trust....I had alsorts running through my mind.....poor thing!

OP posts:
zephyrcat · 28/10/2004 11:02

Glad to see it resolved itself - and you are a superstar for not giving into the temptation of reading the diary. My mum used to read mine and I still hate that she did it to this day!! I'm 27 now and have a 13 year old sister who is often up to no good - the other day my mum said to me "can you talk to her - she wont talk to me and doesnt keep a diary like you did" !!!!!!

marthamoo · 28/10/2004 11:05

I'm glad it's resolved now too (missed this thread) - I think you were right (and amazingly strong!) not to read her diary. I'm not sure I'd have the willpower. I kept a diary for years and I don't think I'd ever have been able to look my mum in the eye again if I thought she'd read it.

zephyrcat, that's so funny

Mum2girls · 28/10/2004 11:09

So pleased you didn't read her diary and that she's now confided in you (poor little love!).

My mum read my diary when I was about 14/15 and got totally the wrong end of the stick about something I'd written concerning boys. This resulted in a huge unecessary row, and I never wrote a word in it thereafter. Felt completely betrayed and untrusted.

nutcracker · 28/10/2004 11:36

I always use to keep a diary as a teenager and loads of my friends always said they wouldn't cos their parents would read it if they found it.

I just knew that my dad would never have read mine whatever he thought was going on. He knew that i would never be able to trust him again.

My mom would have quite probably have read it but i didn't live with her so it wasn't an issue.

anorak · 28/10/2004 11:42

Oh, israel, bless her little heart! She sounds like a real gem.

joanneg · 28/10/2004 11:42

My mum used to read my diary when I lived at home and I can not tell you how much it upset me. It also made me more secretive and less inclined to talk to her about anything.

When you are a teenager you are trying to grow in independence and the world is a hard enough place with out your parents making your home (which should be a sanctury) a place where you feel stripped bare emotionally (ooh - maybe a bit dramatic there but you get my point)

I think that your daughter will confide in you when she wants to. The danger also is that you tend to exaggerate when you write in a diary - some of it could even be fictional! So you might read something that you dont want to.

Think about this - how would you feel if your partner read your diary because he knew that something was troubling you and as you werent opening up he sneaked a look?

I must say as well I still dont trust my mum not to snoop in my stuff and I am 30!! I still feel like hiding anything private from her and that is not a nice feeling.

joanneg · 28/10/2004 11:44

oooh - just read your second post - glad it is sorted out now x

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