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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

TV smashed by 13 year old throwing remote at it for second time

40 replies

jennyt19 · 03/05/2016 22:34

Hi All

Just looking for advice. Having a major argument with my DH. My 13 year old son for the second time smashed the TV by throwing his remote at the TV. We've only had this TV for a matter of weeks. Our previous TV my husband replaced the day after my DS smashed it which I think is totally the wrong thing to do and he wants to do the same this time. My DH has said why should we pay the price; however, I feel that my DS should really be made to feel the consequences of his action. If all we do is confiscate his xBox or iPad for a month and immediately replace the TV he learns nothing.

My DS was really upset when he did it. He thought my DH would throw him out!!

The problem is we've had a number of issues with my DS behaviour both in school and at home. As you can see he has a temper but he has a big attitude problem as well. He's a bright kid who achieves great things when he puts his mind to it but it is getting him to focus that is a real problem. He lives for his xBox games but it is these games that causes most of his temper issues.

I'd be interested to hear what others think.

Thank you for reading my post.

Jenny

OP posts:

soundofthenightingale · 06/05/2016 12:07

What I would ask Jenny is if you think your son has any mental health issues? Or perhaps he has some ADHD traits?

I ask this because you say your son has had "issues" at school and home, though you don't go into them. Smashing two TVs is very dramatic and obviously emotionally over-reactive. Plus you said he was very upset after he smashed the TV - did you mean remorseful? If so, it could be that he really actually struggles with self-control around his feelings of anger and frustration. This can be an ADHD trait - I have noticed it with my 13 year old DS, and along with lots of other things - extremely fidgety, doesn't like committing to homework, easily distracted etc - it helped me understand, build a picture and have some idea of how to respond for the best all round. Over-commitment to computer games - and explosive anger when they're taken away - I think can also be a sign of adhd traits.

Obviously "consequences" are one way of dealing with these issues which are helpful. But I would say normal ongoing punishment can be counter-productive if real problem not understood. I found my son was always really remorseful when he crossed a line, but really struggled to cope with his anger "in the moment". So I have tried to have other strategies to avoid escalation and this slowly this seems to be working. I would also recommend the book "The Explosive Child" to help with this.

I can't write too much as I would go on. But I know how hard it can be when your child or teenager is behaving in ways that are difficult to understand or deal with, and normal methods just seem to make everything worse..

JustDanceAddict · 07/05/2016 17:32

Get rid of Xbox to fund new TV & get him some anger management sessions. If my DS did that over the PS4 I would be doing the same.

inastew · 08/05/2016 23:10

Hubby needs his 2 swingers rattled!
You are right to make a stance. Defo remove x box controllers, and say no TV till after exams. Assuming TV was in his room he smashed?
Clearly he will do it a 3rd time if you not mega strict.

TheDinnerWitch · 08/05/2016 23:16

Have a new tv put in your and DP's bedroom, and not have one in the living room for DS to play his xbox games on.

HormonalHeap · 10/05/2016 17:11

At 13 you're still in charge. My Ds is now 16, 6ft 2 and although verbally intelligent, has the maturity of an infant- and I have lost all authority.

The Xbox goes now. It's making your ds violent and by getting rid of it you're investing in his future. Simple as that.

FoolMe · 10/05/2016 17:17

I kind of agree with your DH. Why should the family go without a TV? It's your sons behaviour you need to address and getting rid of his x box is a start

MePosieParker · 10/05/2016 18:27

Give him a complete ban from screens, fr a month. During that time he can do chores to earn the money to buy a new tv. Make it hard to earn.... £5 an hour, no more.

Lock away all hdmi cables and if you catch him on a device fine him an extra £20.

MePosieParker · 10/05/2016 18:35

I also agree with your dh. Why should you all miss out because your son has been playing the Xbox too much and, I suspect, not his appropriate age games?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 10/05/2016 18:39

Is it the family tv or your ds own tv?

Alvah · 10/05/2016 23:13

I second soundofthenightingale's advice.

If there are underlying issues, and you have tried the usual consequence tactics and he is still not responding, then chances are a different approach is needed.

I also highly recommend The explosive child, it provides an alternative understanding of 'challenging behaviour'. It suggests that kids aren't purposefully trying to be 'bad' but that when they lack the skills to deal with situations (be it emotional, practical, mental or social) they react to this by acting out. Some kids (and adults) react with explosive anger as their coping systems overload. The point he makes is that kids need help to develop their coping skills, and that in these circumstances punishments can be counterproductive.

Could you speak with your son and see if he can come up with a solution to the tv problem?

I don't agree with selling his stuff, but I do agree it would be a good idea for him to have to work/ save up money for a new tv. But most importantly that he is supported to work on his anger.

Good luck, I have an explosive child and I know how heartbreaking and hard it can be at times, for them as well as us parents.

inastew · 15/05/2016 11:53

That sounds clever sychology actually - ask son and see if he can come up with a solution to the tv problem

CharleyDavidson · 22/05/2016 16:27

You can (somewhere) get sheets of acrylic/plastic cut or bought at the same size as your TV and put it over the screen to protect it too.

Not a solution to your problem, but just an idea to protect it in future if you do replace it.

I'd be banning the DC from having the remote to start with and if it was broken due to game frustration then I'd be banning the use of the machine.

PurpleBurtle · 22/05/2016 17:02

soundofthenightinggale your description sounds just like my 13year old son, I'm having quite a few issues with him at the moment. He has explosive outbursts and struggles to control anger, the video games are a bit contributor to this, he threw his phone across the room the other week as something was not going his way on the game. He recently saw a psychologist after I rose these concerns with his neurologist (he has epilepsy) but the more I look into ADHD the more things make sense.

I have mentioned this to his consultant before but nothing has been taken further, I'm going to push for an assessment but I think it may be long road

inastew · 10/06/2016 22:21

epilepsy and ADHD may be linked.
Good luck with referral

GladysKravitz · 20/07/2016 11:03

I have a 19 year old who did things like this when he was younger, my dh and I struggled to set consistent consequences etc and now I have an uncontrollable frankly horrible 19 year old who still destroys things in our house when things don't go his way. I wish so much that we had been stricter sooner and got more help for his behaviour and adhd.
Please listen to other posters op as you will be investing in his future and yours by being firm, consistent and united. Take his Xbox away and have a tv in your room only.

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