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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Would really appreciate some advice on how to handle this - teen DD huge fall out

52 replies

WhatDoYaThink · 26/04/2016 23:20

Sorry name hanged as I don't want this linked to me but I am a regular honest

I'll try to brief but not drip feed - DD been moody & full of attitude the last couple of weeks, I've tried to ignore & encourage her to talk but got nowhere. Starting to worry I checked her phone. (she knows a condition of us allowing her free access to Internet & social media is that we must know her passwords so we can check things if we are worried, she is just turned 15 & I haven't felt the need to check up on her for about a year so it's not something I do lightly). I discovered she had sent a naked photo to her boyfriend & had shown it to his friends, and also she has been lying to me (getting friends to text me to lie about stupid things).

I am upset on so many levels. I feel like she's played me for such a fool! She has recently sat discussing one of her friends sending photos to boys, saying she was so worried about her & I was being supportive & offering to talk to her friend for her. At one point I tried to discuss the dangers (we have had the conversation before) and she just rolled her eyes at me & told me she's not stupid. I totally believed her and felt sure she wouldn't lie to me. I've always told my kids I'd rather disagree with them about something than them lie because once you lose trust you have nothing. We have been trying so hard recently to compromise with her and let her grow up. I'm so upset.

We've talked tonight but she's gone comp,etely on the defensive, everything is my fault, I am judgemental and pick on her for everything, all her friends agree and she's moving out when she's 16. Apparently her friends mum has said she can live there. I was trying to explain I'm not cross about her sending the photo (despite it being stupid), I'm upset by the lies.

I honestly thought we had a good relationship, she usually talks to me about everything, we let her have boyfriends back to the house and friends round whenever she wants, give her lifts all over the place so she can meet up with pals or boyfriends. I am devastated. Where to I go from here?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 11:40

Don't get me wrong - I am livid with the boy. DD is upset that she made such a bad judgement but I told her not to be so hard on herself, I thought he was nice too but this is why you really need to take your time before getting too involved. I just don't want to make things worse for her. If I tell the boys mum & he turns against her & starts slagging her off to everybody she will be devastated, she has already been through a hard time with so-called friends turning on her & being bitchy. If I escalate this it might just mean more people know about it & make life harder for her

OP posts:

Mamia15 · 27/04/2016 11:41

What he did was nasty as well as illegal. He sounds like a twat, pushing your DD into stuff she isn't ready for.

I really would consider taking the photos thing further by contacting his school or his parents. He needs a short sharp shock.

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 11:43

Leonard - I was actually just thinking I wonder if u should speak to the boy myself! I would tell DD and take her with me to meet him, we could check his phone together & I could earn him that if we hear if anyone else having a copy of the photo I will take it further?

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leonardthelemming · 27/04/2016 11:47

Good plan!

daisydalrymple · 27/04/2016 11:49

I second the advice from spongecake and others, and would also consider having a quiet word with the friend's mum and just explain dd has said the mum has offered she could move in there, as this may well not be the case at all, and you could probably do with some quiet solidarity together incase of any future issues with either daughter.

I think you've handled things really well and it sounds like you do have a strong relationship with dd.

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 11:57

Yes Daisy I had thought of that, I tried to contact the friend's mum last night but couldn't get hold of her. I private messages her on Facebook asking if we could speak & I now have a landline for her (I'm kicking myself I didn't have that already I usually insist but DD has never stayed over, the friend is always at our house!) I will speak to the friends mum tonight although I haven't decided whether to tell her about her own daughter. I don't want DD to stop confiding in me. I might just explain about DD & suggest she talks to her DD about the dangers too?

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leonardthelemming · 27/04/2016 12:11

I might just explain about DD & suggest she talks to her DD about the dangers too?

Yes and no. Although your daughter obviously gets on well with the friend's mum, has she actually told her about this? You would be reavealing things about your daughter that she might not want her friend's mum to know. Is your daughter serious about moving out at 16 or was that just a spur of the moment thing? I wouldn't do anything without making sure your daughter is happy about it.

But on the other hand... It could be of benefit if the friend's mum knew about her own daughter. Ideally, the friend should tell her mum. Can she be persuaded? By your daughter?

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 12:15

No I don't think DD has told friends mum about this. Friends mum is also a teacher at their school so I do need to be careful. Friend tells her mum very little, although DD has been encouraging her to be more open with her Mum I do t think there is any way friend would tell her Mum about the photos. Worrying thing is the friend doesn't think there is anything wrong with sending the photos.

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daisydalrymple · 27/04/2016 12:18

Personally I would just say you'd had a bumpy time with dd with boyfriend issues, which are thankfully behind you, but as part of it dd mentioned the offer she could move in there. If she had made this offer it was kind of her to look out for your dd, and perhaps in future you could let each other know if anything is going on? She may well then say she hadn't made any such offer. I remember staying at my friends house one night, aged 16 as had fallen out with my mum. Friend's mum was very good at persuading me to sort things out with my mum! I suspect this may be a line the girls have come up with together.

leonardthelemming · 27/04/2016 12:33

Friends mum is also a teacher at their school so I do need to be careful.

Absolutely. I'm a retired teacher. Some teachers are very good about the way they handle confidential information, while others discuss it in the staffroom. Probably the friend's mum falls into the first category but a single slip can spread like wildfire in a school.
Obviously, some things are so serious they have to be escalated upwards, but the guidelines have a "one size fits all" approach that can often do more harm than good.

KindDogsTail · 27/04/2016 14:23

Titchy
Regardless of whether he coerced her to send the photo or she did it of her own volition, by distributing it HE HAS BROKEN THE LAW.
Tinky
In your position I would be very angry with the boy. Yes she was daft to send the photo, but he was malicious to show his mates.

Both these, and I agree it was malicious. And low, scummy and dishonourable to show his mates. He is not good enough for her but I know if you attack him too much she will only defend him.

Even if Elizabeth Bennett had sent D'Arcy a naked picture of herself, D"Arcy would not have shown it to anyone.

If he were my son I would want to explain that to him and the law to him.

There has been another post recently about a group of grown men telling rape jokes to each other about a photo of a girl they all know (who is not naked).

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 14:43

I'm hoping she is going to quite enjoy taking the 'power' back by confronting him together. I'm going to make sure he allows her to check his phone for the photo, ask him if he's sent it to anyone else rather than just shown them and promise him that If he gives DD a hard time or we find out anyone else has seen the photo I will be going straight to his parents and possibly the police. I will also tell him he has made a huge mistake, disrespected a lovely girl that is far too good for him & needs to have a long hard think about how he'd feel if a boy did that to his own sister!

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leonardthelemming · 27/04/2016 14:53

HE HAS BROKEN THE LAW.

Yes, and I think the OP is aware of that. The problem is that the girl has broken the law too. In fact, as I understand it, just the act of taking a naked picture of herself is illegal. (And, frankly, I think that aspect is ridiculous.)

So the OP has to tread very carefully. I doubt the CPS would consider it in the public interest to prosecute, but in principle they could, I think. So the worst-case scenario is that both young people could get into serious trouble. Is this the desired solution?

Yes of course the boy showing it to his mates was wrong. Yet it is, unfortunately, commonplace. He may not even have considered the legal aspects - the friend doesn't seem to have, and she's a girl - yet ignorance of the law is no excuse and the age of criminal responsibility is 10.

As I said upthread, education is the answer - not a bull-in-a-china-shop knee-jerk reaction. The best response requires careful thought - and the agreement of the girl. I think the OP is doing that.

leonardthelemming · 27/04/2016 14:58

I'm hoping she is going to quite enjoy taking the 'power' back by confronting him together.
I will also tell him he has made a huge mistake, disrespected a lovely girl that is far too good for him & needs to have a long hard think about how he'd feel if a boy did that to his own sister!

Brilliant solution! Hope it goes well. He may even warn his mates against doing a similar thing.

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 15:02

Thank you everyone for helping me work this out, I promise to come back & let you know how it goes. It may take a few days for us to meet up with him, but I will come back

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KindDogsTail · 27/04/2016 15:09

WhatDoYaThink
To my mind you have been very successful in balancing trust from you and freedom for her in your relationship with your daughter. I think she is very lucky indeed to have you.

Keep backing her up and loving her no matter what in case this boy has made her feel bad about herself.

In case you might be interested, I am putting down some recent threads, which though not exactly relevant, have posts within them that show just how difficult it is for young people now. Warning: some parts are very upsetting.

They highlight the importance of what TheCat said here:
Learning how to your personal boundaries - learning what they are - is one of life's hardest lessons. Learning who to trust - to help you find and hold your selfhood, your boundaries, your ambitions for you life - is harder still.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2612262-Sharing-about-harmful-effects-of-porn-in-a-thread-in-feminism

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2610074-Anybody-up-for-a-general-chat-about-the-damaging-effects-of-porn-on-young-people

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/in_the_news/2613376-UK-Government-concerned-too-many-people-could-be-trying-anal-sex

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2598091-to-think-parents-have-no-idea-what-goes-on-in-schools

www.contributoria.com/reader/4dfe3664fb996911a4d581cdf147e4f0/

Orac · 27/04/2016 15:26

I think leonardthelemming has it spot on.
There is a very real chance that both young people could made an example of if this is escalated.

summerroses · 27/04/2016 16:34

I think that you are doing a great job and that your daughter is lucky to have your support.

I wouldn't tell the other mother as your daughter may suffer the effect from her friend. It might stop her from confiding in you again.

I would make an appointment with my solicitor. A letter sent to the boy and his parents might frighten them enough to stop the spread of the image. I would ask them for a written guarantee that the image had been destroyed and that they had taken measures to prevent it being distributed further. Also why should you appeal to his good will, when he may not have one? Doing it this way steals his power and returns it to your daughter. I know that you like his mother, but, you love your daughter, she is your priority. You also get to champion her so that she knows that you will always have her back and so give her back a sense of security.

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 16:49

Sorry, I've never met his mother, I just know she was very nice to DD whilst they were going out. He really did seem a nice boy, joined us for family dinners etc, I think he's made a silly mistake too rather than being 'nasty' I just need to make sure he knows that & it stops here!

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Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 27/04/2016 21:49

Took the bull by the horns & went tonight! DD spoke to him first & checked the phone, photo has gone. Then I spoke to him & told him how serious it was, that if charged he would have a criminal record & be put on the sex offenders list. I quietly warned him that if DD gets any grief for being there tonight or if I hear of anyone else seeing the photo or having a copy I will go straight to his Mum and the police. I asked him to think how he'd feel if a boy did that to his sister & told him to be thankful it was me there and not her dad. I then left DD to tear strips off him. She told him how shit he had made her feel and how he had lost everything, she'd never get back with him now. She feels so much better! Let's hope he learnt a lesson. He did mumble sorry & skulked off up the street with his tail between his legs! Thank you so much everyone for helping me work this out. I think that was the best outcome I could have hoped for.

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Hadron21 · 27/04/2016 22:13

Hope you are all ok. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

thecatfromjapan · 27/04/2016 22:39

That is good. Forwards! Hope you both have a far better week.

leonardthelemming · 27/04/2016 23:58

Sounds like it's all good. And I guess she's probably changed her mind about moving out next year. If the boy has any sense he'll realise what a lucky escape he's had, and hopefully will behave better towards any future gf. And your daughter will have learnt something too. Well done!

Original poster

WhatDoYaThink · 28/04/2016 00:29

Thanks Leonard - yes, she's decided I'm not too bad a Mum after all! She wasn't keen on my suggestion to start with, & felt nervous all the way there but the change in her on the way home was brilliant! I think she can really stop worrying about it now & she said she thinks that's the worst thing she's ever have to tell me (let's hope so!) and that she's actually really glad she did now & in future she won't be so nervous about asking me for help.

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KindDogsTail · 28/04/2016 10:17

Well done.

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