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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

my heart breaks for dd

46 replies

DorothyL · 20/04/2016 06:39

She is nearly 15 and friendships have always been a bumpy ride for her. She seemed to have a better time in year 10 but now a group of girls that she was part of have decided to exclude her. She has some good individual friends but now even one of those has for no apparent reason gone cold on her. It makes me so sad and I just don't know how to help her!

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Original poster

DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:35

Sixth form still seems a long way away... Needs to survive the next year first is there any point talking to the school do you think? One girl in particular really has it in for dd and goes out of her way to exclude dd

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Original poster

DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:35

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Original poster

DorothyL · 25/04/2016 17:38

Sorry!!!

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bigTillyMint · 25/04/2016 18:45

Yes I think it's worth talking to the school. My DD was bullied by a couple of girls who weren't in her friendship group. It didn't sound like they were doing anything much but the effect on my DD was catastrophic. Luckily the school dealt with it very effectively once they were aware.

Original poster

DorothyL · 25/04/2016 18:48

What did the school do? Dd worries it would just make things worse

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bigTillyMint · 25/04/2016 18:59

DDs form tutor had seen at least one of the girls doing stuff and could see the effect on DD. A member of SMT (who is fantastic and takes no prisoners!) took each of them separately and got them to admit it and that DD had done nothing to them, and called their parents in and told them that if there was any more she would call the police. It stopped, but as I said, it had had a terrible effect on DDs MH and it took a time for her to get back to the bubbly person she is.

Original poster

DorothyL · 25/04/2016 19:23

Dd says the two girls in question are very popular with the teachers

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Ireallydontseewhy · 25/04/2016 19:42

Sorry dorothy, i'd for some reason thought dd was yr 11 but as you say she is nearly 15 i should have realised! In that case yes there's still a way to go, even if you do start looking round 6th forms now.
how has school been generally with this, or have you not approached them before? Schools can vary hugely - but at very least they may be able to help dd not to have to have too much to do with the two who are making life difficult - tell teachers not to put them in the same study groups for instance.

Meanwhile i'd say encourage dd to focus on the friends like the one dd saw at the weekend - and don't try to get back in with the other two - unlikely to work and just puts dd in the way of more rejection. Which we can all do without!

Original poster

DorothyL · 28/04/2016 19:29

Still lots of snide remarks and one girl dd thought of as a good friend who is part of the group has now effectively told dd that their friendship is over

At lunchtime most of the year group hangs out in the same space and it feels increasingly like dd is being victimised - not sure what to advise! There's nowhere else for her to go. Confront the bitchiest girls? Ignore them?

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darceybussell · 28/04/2016 21:25

Could she go home for lunch Dorothy? I used to hate lunch times so reading your post has brought it all back for me.

Original poster

DorothyL · 28/04/2016 21:29

Too far unfortunately

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darceybussell · 28/04/2016 21:39

If it was me I would stay away, I don't think I'd confront them because they are teenagers they are not going to be reasonable people. I'd just stay out of their way and wait it out until they move onto someone else. That's what I did when it happened to me and it wasn't long before they moved onto someone else and after that got bored of being bitches altogether.

It's horrible at the time but just reassure her that it won't be like that forever

Nepotism · 28/04/2016 21:40

Read Queen Bees and Wannabes. Bit American but a lot of it is relevant.

DD1 went through hell at her all girls school. Left to do A levels at local college and by the second year had an amazing group of friends she's still very close to now in her twenties though they've spread out all over the world.

It's one of the hardest things to watch your child go through but it does eventually improve. I think it's useful to do stuff out of school with a different group. DD joined the sea scouts and made good friends through there. Just keep listening and follow your instinct about intervening.

SallyMcgally · 28/04/2016 22:52

I'm so sorry - your poor girl. Does she have a sympathetic head of year who might help? Could she go to the library or join a club? I do empathise. That sinking feeling when you see yet another one choosing to be vile is awful.

Original poster

DorothyL · 29/04/2016 06:08

The head of year is nice but these girls manage to give the impression to him that they are very nice girls, which makes dd worried she wouldn't be believed

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SallyMcgally · 29/04/2016 16:40

Bullied people do tend to fear that they won't be believed. Could you approach the head of year in confidence, explain the situation to him and see if he has any suggestions? he wouldn't necessarily bollock the girls (richly as they may deserve it), but may have some ideas about facilitating your daughter spending time with others? At the very least, if he knows, the school will be able to keep an eye out for her.
I am sorry - it's a bloody miserable situation to be in.

sprout44 · 04/05/2016 11:18

I am going through the same thing with my lovely dd 14-15, she is such a lovely girl and would be one of the best friends anybody could have Nobody seems to want her or give her a chance, i know she can be too quite and they do not like this. After two years in secondary school now she has the reputaion of being a bit of a loner and tries to hard so they know this and they will not touch her IF you know what i mean. I am heartbroken for her and get so mad when she comes home and tells me the news of the day. We try to enpower her to do the best she can and keep on plugging at it , it will be ok some day just hope it does not affect her in the mean time.

SallyMcgally · 04/05/2016 16:30

Sorry to hear this sprout - she sounds lovely. I feel the same way about DS - that he would just be such a lovely friend, and I don't understand - I really don't understand - why he gets pushed back. If only there were a way for all these lovely teens to meet up somehow and hang out together.

flowergirl456 · 05/05/2016 11:32

My son has been through a similar rough time too, it's horrible having to sit and watch it all and feel like you are helpless to assist. I asked him what did he do in break times? And he said sit on the toilet on his phone, which nearly broke my heart to hear. I read an article recently that said being isolated and bullied at school is the hardest thing you will ever face - nothing compares to it, warfare, childbirth the whole lot! Too true.
The only advice I have is get in touch with the school - is there a sympathetic teacher who your daughter particularly likes and trusts?

SallyMcgally · 05/05/2016 22:42

Your poor boy flowergirl. DS1 used to hide in the toilets too.

inastew · 15/05/2016 12:38

Join lunchtime clubs or after school sport. Make new group of friends until situation alters.
Not easy at all - and upsetting for parents too ofcourse.

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