dd so cold with me

[DorothyL]

She's 12. Her moods seem to range from mildly annoyed to raging. Hardly smiles, doesn't seem to want to be around me or anyone else in the family. She used to write me little notes etc all the time. I feel bereft. What I don't get - friend has dd same age who's extremely attached to her, why such differences?

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Sympathies. She's arrived at the teens early, don't worry, chances are the friend will catch up and be equally distant etc.

If she's OK at school and getting out and about, with no other issues, just hang on in there. Til she's about 18 apparently.

I think it's normal for young girls to grow out of being very close with their mothers, I know with my Eldest it was the same. Maybe you can try and talk to her, unaccusingly. Mood swings and emotional distancing are normal for this age however if it is an extreme change in a short time perhaps there is a reason behind it.

I wouldn't feel too worried, but try and sit her down and ask about it.

My ds went through the same stage, mainly aimed at his dad. They need to grow apart from you and become independent, and some youngsters get subconsciously very frightened that they won't be able to cope, so they go into overdrive and cold shoulder you completely. Hormones don't exactly help either.

The best thing you can do here is to stay calm and reassuring. Don't show your hurt because to them it will look like "my mum won't be able to cope with my growing up". At a time when they are wondering if they will be able to cope, that is not very reassuring.

Insist on good manners (no name-calling or swearing at you) rather than warmth and engagement. Don't be a doormat or a skivvie, but calmly point out boundaries.

Accept that she needs some space, but obviously keep a weather eye out for any signs of actual depression (extreme tiredness, sudden lack of care for personal appearance, extreme moodiness and despondency).

Assure her calmly and positively that you enjoy having her around. Negotiate how many family activities she has to be part of; insist on a few.

Ds is now 15 and though he still spends a lot of time cooped up in his room he is polite, supportive in an emergency, and will occasionally suggest that we should watch a film together. And he no longer seems to bear the cares of the world on his shoulders. All seems good to me.

Told her today that I won't be home the weekend and her eyes lit up with delight... This is the kind of thing that makes me so (irrationally) sad

Cory's advice is brilliant.

OP I know it is hard, I feel similar with my DD 11. She is very close to her dad and will often say things that hurt me - keeps me at arms length. She has been like this for a while, in fact since the moment she arrived in this world she has had an air of 'royal self-importance'. It was amusing when she was 2-6ish, but at times it can be very hurtful. It sounds weird but sometimes I feel like a three year old...she has a way of making feel a right fool.

Occasionally she will be very sweet and I have found little notes and drawings from when she was little, saying she loves me. But a lot of the time she distances herself from me, and can be quite rude.

I read about teen (pre-teens) need to distance themselves from their mum in order to feel like they can cope growing up, and also that they can use arguments to get close/intense attention.

I have realised in time that my daughter does not feel superior (as her attitude would suggest) instead it has become apparent that she is very anxious and socially shy - taking her anxiety out on me.

I would follow Cory's advice, and just remember that she still loves you and needs you, even though she is pretending not to