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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

To allow teens to turn off gadgets when they want to or set boundaries?

49 replies

Givemestrenght13 · 01/04/2016 16:04

I realise we all parent differently and our teens are also all very different. I have 13 year old, who (I think, for now) is very sensible more so than me at times and quite grown up for his years!

Option A. Allow a teen to self regulate use of the internet at night time (during the school holidays) be it gaming, messaging, face timing and (hopefully) no conflict. With a "keep the noise down" attitude as us oldies slope off to bed knackered!

Option B. Enforce a "turn it off at a certain time" be it 10pm/11pm etc rule and have certain conflict together with a stroppy, sulky teen for the school holidays?

....just wondering!!!

OP posts:

NicknameUsed · 06/04/2016 22:43

"A bit of discussion, advance planning and negociation is the only way.IMHO."

For your children, yes. It just does not work with DD.

I have tried this approach many times, and just left her to get on with it. I have come back to the house to find that after 6 hours she has written just one line of her geography homework, but managed to watch several episodes of The Walking Dead/Supernatural/or whatever cult series she is enjoying, while messaging her friends and boyfriend.

She has admitted to me today that she just can't concentrate for any length of time on anything and just zones out. She only revises when I am in the room with her and make sure that all devices are switched off or removed.

She simply cannot grasp the fact that short sharp bursts of revision with proper breaks is the way to go. Instead she half concentrates on multiple activities, and is unwilling or unable to change.

I find it so frustrating.

cariadlet · 07/04/2016 02:06

I've got a 13 year old dd.

We started with option B - gadgets were allowed in her bedroom in the day, but not when she went to bed. Then we had a compromise that she was allowed her phone - but on the understanding that she was only going to listen to music.

I caught her messaging friends around 12 o'clock tonight so it's back to no gadgets in the bedroom at night. She knew she shouldn't have been on it so late so didn't bother to argue with me. Gadgets are too addictive and I can't trust her to self-regulate.

ChipsandGuac · 07/04/2016 03:23

We all leave our phones outside our rooms to charge and wifi is turned off overnight. I'm a little paranoid about what the endless phone and wifi use nowadays is doing to our brains. Yes, I know there is loads of research to say nothing but it's still so early on in this technology, I struggle to believe it.

At DS' high school there are currently 3 kids recovering from cancer, 2 of whom had brain tumours. That seems crazily high for a school with 600 pupils.

Dancergirl · 08/04/2016 10:40

I've been thinking about this too lately.

Those who go for Option B - what time is turning off time on school nights? My dds are 13 and nearly 15. They use their phones etc downstairs anyway and have them charging in the kitchen overnight but I would like to introduce a turning off time.

JustDanceAddict · 08/04/2016 13:29

It's a bloody minefield. I went into DD's room at 10.40 last night on my way to bed (not school hols for her atm) and she was lying fully clothed on bed on her phone 'claiming' all her whatsapp group were up til midnight. Hmmm, she has to be up at 6.40 for school and needs that 8 hours at least. We have let her have her phone in her room on charge at night, but if she continues with not putting it on charge by 10, it will be removed. She is 13.5 and thinks she knows best!! When they have hols or on weekend nights (not Sun), I'm
More lax, but I still prefer them not to be on phones past 10.30 as it becomes a bad habit.

cariadlet · 08/04/2016 18:57

I asked dd to give me her phone when she went to bed last night (after she'd been caught out going on it very late the night before). Instead of the usual grumbling she actually handed it over willingly and told me that she'd learned her lesson because she'd been exhausted in the morning!

I've been telling her that would happen ever since she's had her phone, but she wouldn't listen to me. Now that she's found out for herself I'm hoping that we won't be having any more gadget battles for quite a while.

She needs to be up at 6.30 on a school morning so I'm planning on a 9 o'clock cut off point on the evenings that she has a latish club and an 8.30 cut off point on the quieter evenings. That leaves her time to unwind by reading in bed before she goes to sleep.

Hulababy · 08/04/2016 19:01

14y DD is pretty good at self regulating.

Her phone/tablet are in her room at bedtime, but are at the other side of the room, plugged in charging, or left downstairs (often iPad is left in study or living room, through choice.) She doesn't use them after bedtime; she likes to read on her Kindle (basic one so no internet use there, its rubbish if you try anyway) in bed and she likes her sleep too much to spend half the night on her phone.

She doesn't use her phone all the time anyway, though uses it plenty - but never at meals, etc and also spends time with me and DH in the evenings for more than half of the time, when not doing homework - watching TV or whatever with us. She uses her tablet to watch series, plus socialising - but seems to be good at knowing when is appropriate or not, and when its got too much.

Hulababy · 08/04/2016 19:03

If DD was like a couple of her friends, who spend all day and night online then I would have no issues at all with implementing more rules, plan B.

Ragwort · 09/04/2016 09:25

Dancer - my DS is just 15 - turning off screen time is 'officially' 9pm on school nights, then he has a bath and can read in bed.

Most nights are a battle to enforce this rule .................... .

He clearly needs a lot of sleep as despite having an alarm clock he always has to be physically woken in the morning.

NicknameUsed · 09/04/2016 10:36

All of DD's friends chat until the early hours online. I know because if she leaves her iPad downstairs I can see the first line of the messages. So when your children say that everyone else is still up they are probably right.

mumeeee · 09/04/2016 10:38

None of our DDs had a mobile until they were 16. So we didn't ever take their phones away at night. They used them as alarms. They didn't have consols in their room and didn't have laptops until they were doing GCSE's. The youngest actually didn't have a laptop until she went to university but that was mainly because she had free access to the family computer and she preferred working downstairs. Anyway they were allowed laptops in their room but the WiFi went off at midnight.
I can understand younger teens being regulated but I certainly wouldn't expect an 18 year old to put their phone outside their bedroom at night

NicknameUsed · 09/04/2016 11:00

"None of our DDs had a mobile until they were 16"

How long ago was this?

In 2016 it would be social Siberia not to have access to your friends via a mobile or some kind of way of accessing social media. DD doesn't live within walking distance of mot of her friends and they organise their social lives on Messenger. DD would feel very lonely if she couldn't "talk" to her friends online. Also she and her friends support each other online as well.

GlitteryShoes · 09/04/2016 11:10

I'm a foster Carer of teens and find they really vary in ability to self regulate. I have a 9pm hand in rule for iPads and phones until they have passed GCSE English and maths ( unless SEN) and they have smart tv to in their rooms till 10 on school nights and 11.30 at other times ( at which point the wifi is turned off).

A lot of the children who come to live here have had unlimited phones and it can be a shock, but most are fine with it and so say they sleep better.

merrymouse · 09/04/2016 11:14

Option B for a 13 year old.

It's difficult for adults to self regulate when it comes to turning off devices at bedtime, and I don't think it's fair to give a 13 year old that responsibility.

There is definitely a time when you have to let them make their own decisions about this knd of thing, but not 13.

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 09/04/2016 11:15

Option B for my kids.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2016 11:24

We have always done option A , irrespective of school / work and it's never been an issue here but then we have never had bed times either .

NicknameUsed · 09/04/2016 13:15

Floral are your children home schooled?

DD has to get up at 6.30 for school and can't manage on 3 - 4 hours sleep.

Floralnomad · 09/04/2016 15:28

I HE my younger one but the older one was at normal school throughout and is now a teacher , they learnt to self regulate from a very young age .

CPtart · 09/04/2016 15:48

Option B. DS1 (13) is completely unable to self regulate. Even as a toddler he couldn't entertain himself unless he was watching tv, so he would be in heaven as a teen with unlimited screen access. He is also so desperate to be like 'everybody else' that even if he was exhausted he would be messaging /gaming until the last person went to bed.

NicknameUsed · 09/04/2016 15:54

"they learnt to self regulate from a very young age ."

It is crystal clear from this thread that not all children are like yours. DD isn't. She will not switch off or remove devices when she is supposed to be revising. She has just spent two hours on a one hour past paper because she insists on having her Macbook with her so she can listen to Spotify, which I don't have a problem with, but she stays logged in to messenger and gets messaged by her friends and won't ignore the messages.

I would love to be smug about DD's ability to self regulate but I can't because she won't.

Is there any way DD can listen to Spotify, but not access social media?

Floralnomad · 09/04/2016 16:33

nicknameused , I don't know what your issue is with my posts ,the OP asked a question ,I answered it , I'm not saying my way would work for everyone or telling anyone else what to do ,I'm simply answering a question .

NicknameUsed · 09/04/2016 17:01

Sorry Floral I am getting quite stressed about DD not revising unless I physically make her. I left her revising something on BBC Bitesize and she has done nothing but message her boyfriend.

QueenOfToast · 09/04/2016 18:23

I have boys aged 14 and 12 and we use option B for holidays AND term time. This rule also applies to us parents, so everyone's gadgets stay downstairs in the kitchen overnight.

They do moan about it sometimes, but because it's always been the rule it is fairly easy to enforce. I also take gadgets off any friends who come for sleepovers (theirs not mine - I think my dad would be upset if I tried to take his Kindle Fire away from him!)

mumeeee · 09/04/2016 22:45

Nicknameused well my youngest is 24 and the oldest 29 so awhile ago. I was a bit paranoid about them having mobiles as my brother had a brain tumour.
Anyway we also wanted them to.wsit until they could pay for a contract or pay as you go. Actually the oldest wasn't interested in getting one until she was 17,
I realise that now they would probably have phones at a younger age.

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