Is anyone else scared of their teenagers....

[Namechangeofshame193]

Just that really , I'm quite shamed hence the name change.
DD is 15 and is challenging to say the least. She is on her last chance at school , she sees camhs regularly but recently things have been way worse. She smokes, she drinks, she has sex, I suspect cannibis but nothing I say or do makes any difference. The way she treats me is horrific and this is fairly new, she was always a back chatter and door slammer but now it's real venom and emotional blackmail. The way she speaks to me is shocking calls me a fucking freak or fucking bitch and regularly has such meltdowns, when I say no that they last all night and don't calm no matter what approach I take. Last night she smashed up all her own stuff and spent eight long hours screaming "fuck you, fuck your house and fuck yourself" because I got a bit brave and cancelled something she had planned to be hosted here after 5 days of abuse she threatened to make accusations to the police about me so I lose my job in childcare. I am ashamed to say I think she is out of all parental control and is currently packing her stuff and "running away as she can't live with a bitch like me, fucking hate you".

What the hell can I do? I'm a single mum with no support.

It's exhausting isn't it. I feel like after a major drama I'm drained for days I could barely string a sentence together today. That must be really tough I'd advise a scare tactic but it's easier to advise than do. DD has been spoken to by the police and it did shock her (not enough) but away from violence for sure. I've told the neighbours to call the police if she causes anymore noise disturbances all night!!

Sense the next storm is coming. The "reason" ds used to back out of the family commitment (involving heavy lifting which 6ft 2inches beefy ds can manage better than me) was that he had been offered a few hours work. Turns out there was no offer of work. Have not yet told him I know he was lying to get out of helping on the family stuff which he assured us weeks ago that he would help on.
I am not willing to let it go unmentioned but am apprehensive about how he will react.

Does it have to be a storm or a confrontation?

Could you approach it by saying something along the lines of:

I appreciate that you didn't want to help do X job. There are loads of things in life that we all come across and have to do, just to make things better for everybody. You didn't want to and that's fine, but actually the implications of that were that you left someone smaller and weaker and who loves and cares for you to pick up the slack for you. That says a lot about you as a person, if that's the person you want to be then carry on. Belonging to a tribe/a family offers people protection in life that far outweighs the commitment they have to give that tribe/family. maybe that something to think about next time?

Try to keep the emotion out of it.

Just told him calmly I know he is lying about the work so he can drop the pretence and the stories of when and where he was working.
Luckily there was no outburst, he is just sulking.

hahahha sorry OneM. That's just engaging them in debate. If I talk that much about my perspective they get green light to refute at least as much from their perspective. Give an inch they'll take a mile. A much simpler "It is not acceptable that you do X, instead do Y" msg is much better.

Else it can be read as a guilt trip "You really shouldn't be so selfish." Half the time they aren't self-aware enough to get the message, or it's too long & they are too selfish to care, or they are well primed to rebuff any guilt trips. "I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE BORN AND LIVE IN THIS HOUSE" "You're the adult so YOU should do the work!" "My friends don't get this hassle!!" etc.

Well ;ljkk it's working for me so far. I am aware that the bubble could burst, but I have an almost 16 and 15 year old and haven't had any bother from them. They work hard at school, are happy to come on holiday with us and apart from an occasional bit of backchat and a bit of an untidy bedroom, no worries whatsoever in terms of behaviour.

I've not had anything from your list since DS2 was about 12. I think they do need to be told when their actions have an impact on others and what that impact is otherwise they wont ever learn will they? It's not a guilt trip as such, it's explaining that "when you do X, it means Y for other people" That's what makes society function. awareness of what your actions or lack of them has on other people. I'm sure there isn't a big switch that turns on one day that creates productive and caring members of society.

I don't engage in debate, I state my piece and leave at that, if they have something to say in mitigation then I am always happy to listen but I wont be shouted at by anyone.

OneM that's far too many words. I think sometimes it's the child's needs and not the parents weaknesses that cause these situations - it isn't always bad parenting catching up with you.

My son has asd, and can't follow long discussions - with the CAMHS and LDs I suspect the op's dd is more in that category than yours.

That's not to say that you have just been lucky with your DC, I really do think parenting is important and that firm boundaries and high expectations from early on and really important.

no worries whatsoever in terms of behaviour

Actually, I'm guilty of commenting on threads about problems I've never had, either. Thanks for reminding me not to!!

Who knows noeuf, I think that it's horses for courses and we all have different ways of doing things. We also have to be prepared to change those as our children grow and also parent different children differently. Clearly some posters on the thread are looking to do things in a different way as what they are doing at the moment isn't working for them at this point in time. No-one is saying it's wrong or they have done something wrong in the past, just that there are other ways that might be worth trying. I'm certainly always open to trying something new if something doesn't work for me. I think the posters must be too, hence why they are posting.

My DS1 is overly compliant and borderline aspergers. Ds2 is totally different, he is very articulate and very aware of how he wants to be seen by others. We have lots of debates about stuff but not so much on behavioural expectations. Some things are just not negotiable and he accepts that. He wants to be successful in life as does DS1 so in that I am lucky or have just set expectations early.

llijkk, I didn't say I had never had any behaviour problems, but I don't now, I may have in the future, who knows.

That may be the reaction you get with your teens, it's not what I get, different parent, different DC.

I don't think in this scenario you need to be currently in the same boat as the OP or others as then surely whatever you are doing isn't working for you either (although it may for someone else).

I certainly think different modes of address works for different teenagers

I can get results with dd by long talks, where anything over the briefest talking to would just make ds clam up like an oyster and refuse to do something he was already going to do. Any telling off of ds over two sentences long is just counterproductive. An hour of probing might be too short for dd.

Appealing to the "wanting to be successful in life" is difficult if e.g. you have a teen with high anxiety or a teen with low self esteem who has struggled in early education (I have one of both). Setting high expectations in such cases can result in complete freaking out.

Re storms: my db (early childhood trauma) used to have days when he literally needed a storm: he would go round the house provoking one family member after another until somebody answered back and gave him an excuse to go into full meltdown. (Fortunately, the physical violence stopped when he was around 10, and he never took drugs or broke the law; he is now a lovely adult and great husband and father). Very occasionally he could be distracted by someone making him laugh but I have never once seen him just give up on his own accord. It only happened on certain days (maybe once a month or less) and you could tell just from the way he looked or spoke when it was one of Those days. At least, watching him desperately trying to force an argument made it quite clear to the rest of us that nobody was responsible for this: it was something he couldn't help and we couldn't help. I have sometimes found that knowledge comforting since I have been a mother myself.

In OP's case there are clearly very serious problems, most likely MH-related (screaming for 8 hours).

yes cory, this is something that they want not anything we've forced though. DS1 was badly bullied and he doesn't have great self esteem, but he knows that working hard gives him more choices in life as does DS2. DH has changed careers many times and neither of us has followed the traditional route of education since we came from poor backgrounds. I think the pressure thing is a good point. You want them to do well but they need to know that failing isn't a disaster, it just makes you have to go by a different route which may be harder or may mean that different opportunities arise.

You are not alone my darling ,I am going through exactly the same thing.my son is 14 and he has been on a slow decline for the last 3 yrs.He is rude disrespectful,smokes drinks and does drugs.he stays out overnight when he feels like it sometimes not coming home for 2-3 days at a time.Hes been arrested more then once we've had social services involved and he's been kicked out of numerous schools.And the worst part about it all is that he just does not care.Im married with 4 other children and we have never gone through this with any of the others,its actually starting to split me and my husband up,the stress of it all is becoming unbearable.My son is a very tall lad 5ft 10 and he is very intimidating,I actually feel sometimes that when he's angry he could actually hurt me and I'm deeply ashamed to say that I am scared of him.he seems to control the household when his dad isn't here.He completely ignores everything I say he does what he wants when he wants.He calls me names and really slags his dad off when he's not around.It makes him really angry when his dad and me stick together united on decisions.I had to sit in a police station last night for 4 hrs whilst my son was being charged for £7000 worth of damage to buses.I am truly at the end of my tether and just don't know what to do next.Ive lost him his gang mates are more important to him then family.He has tattoos over his arm and hand,the kind that prisoners get in prison and he thinks that's cool !!!I'm actually looking into boot camps but they are so expensive,the government should fund these for children like my son.I cant afford £1200 for a week to send him to wales,the government keep banging on about troublesome teens well then why don't they do something about it to help them and us as parents.My only other option I feel is to put him into care .But then you start thinking to yourself will it do him more harm then good ,will he hate and reject me for it.Will he be worse off there.Or there is the option of selling my house and moving far out to the middle of nowhere where there are no gangs and no temptation of drugs,but then why should the reast of my family suffer over him when he quite clearly doesn't give a damn about anything. I really need help and don't know where to turn .so as you see your are so not alone xx

Sam180 - I'm so sorry to read this. It sounds like where I was heading with my DS now 15, last year. Somehow, miraculously, things have turned around from a having a teen on the brink of being taken into care to having a teen who is but managing himself fairly well...

The thing that turned things around for us was our relationship. I fiercely fought to get my son away from his 'bad' crowd, who were involved in drugs, drink and smoking. When he was 14 things started to get really bad, and within a month he refused to go to his dad's at weekends, he stayed with me but went out with friends until late/all night drinking (I now know he took drugs), he would refuse to come home and when I threatened to report him missing, he went berserk. It was the worst year of my life, and I am still shaken. He was violent, smashed his room up, fought the police, said he wanted to be taken into care, that he wanted to die.

When I realised he really needed room to learn to be independent and that he needed me to support him and be on his side, things started to change. I know it sounds mad, but easing up on the rules and handing him the responsibility, actually worked. Depending on personality, the normal common sense way of parenting doesn't always work. A year later we have a good relationship, he knows I'm here for him, but that if he messes up it's on his shoulders (if he gets in trouble with the police, there may be nothing I can do). This makes him scared. He is no longer fighting me and my boundaries, he is out there on his own. It makes him not want to let me or himself down. He can see himself how much he has matured, and I think it makes him proud.

He talks about his future quite maturely, and this time as just messing around before he has to become a fully responsible adult.

I really hope things ease up for you and your son!! Things can turn around! 14 was definitely a completely crazy age for us. All the best

Mine are younger so not encountered this sort of behaviour.

Yet.

Am placemarking for this

That's just engaging them in debate. If I talk that much about my perspective they get green light to refute at least as much from their perspective. Give an inch they'll take a mile. A much simpler "It is not acceptable that you do X, instead do Y" msg is much better

-just today I feel I've explained too much to a sullen 12yo who is playing me like chess...she doesn't really listen to the content, just cherry picks bits she can take issue with

It's like being in court

I need to keep it simple with her, I think

Also have very worrying relationship with dd17. I am on the verge of moving out in order to avoid 'another' violent outburst; three outbursts ago called police as a last resort/ shock tactic but resulted in dd self pity and revenge outbursts and dd2 (15) being equally recriminatory. I constantly soul search how/what flawed parenting has caught up with me? Husband was a man of few words and is now a man of no words; only seems to want to appease her. When asked by family counsellor we have had one session with, both dd responded relationship with me was poor and preferred father.

However following the outpore of sadness, I also wanted to say the advice about about responsibility sounds so right. Dd both believe they are very shy and unsure of themselves. I would say otherwise; that they have the balance right - not show offs but able to be part of the group but we are not providing them with the right opportunities to make a contribution and so perhaps inadvertently reinforcing a sense of insecurity about their abilities.

I know exactly where you are. DS15, DH and I were exactly where you are.

All I can say is hang on in there. I've had CahmS, YOT, multiple police interventions and social services all over our family. We were all apart from DS treated for chronic depression, all been suicidal including DS who took a massive overdose and for 3 years life was hell.

At Christmas, he was finally bailed away from home. It was the wake up call that made him realise that he couldn't carry on and most importantly for him, he got a job.

I just want to send you a massive hug because the pain you are going through is like no other. I firmly believed that we would never recover. But we did. He won't get the GCSE's he could, he's not in mainstream school and may just scrape 3 C's despite the fact that last year in a brief 4 week quiet period I personally tutored him through his Maths GSCE a year early.. So we all know he can do it.

It doesn't really matter. He's ok, he's not going missing every night or starving himself because his life is so chaotic. He hugs, he smiles, he's talking. He has hopes and dreams. He will make it and so will we. He's learnt to accept love again.

We were in the depths of parenting that I never realised existed, terrified of his physical outbursts, abused to the nth, blackmailed and slowly pushed out of our home so we lived in our bedroom where we could lock a door and be safe.

Yet there is life on the other side. Hope and hugs that you do come through..

Thank you for your kind and reassuring words. I know dd is just great. After a great deal of soul searching and an attempt to address the problem with dh, who refused point blank to talk even when I borderline pleaded with him, I have an exit plan now which I dearly hope will reduce the stress in the marriage which I also suspect is triggering dd's violence.