17 year old son with 19 year old boyfriend.

[lawlawlaw]

His boyfriend is at university about 50miles away.

How would you deal with this news?

That sounds like a fairly standard age gap at that age.

Yes the boyfriend is in uni so a stage further on I guess but the ops son could be at college or working by now iyswim. Did you know he was gay op is this his first boyfriend you know of ?

When I was 17, my boyfriend had just turned 20 and was at university in the same city. The age gap is not really that big OP. I would consider it quite normal for a 17yo.

When I was at uni, which tbf was a while ago, there was a guy who had a girlfriend who was still at school and everyone did think it was a bit odd, for some reason she just seemed very young - just because she was at school and we were at uni. It was the only relationship I knew of where a uni student was dating someone at school.

Nothing wrong with it, of course, but I'd be surprised if it lasted, the lifestyles are very different. Will your DS be off to uni next year?

That age gap is nothing what is 2 years, me and dh have 10 years.
I assume your ds is in sixth form not school and ok his boyfriend is at uni but I wouldn't see a problem

That age gap is fine, why are you concerned? Would you be worried about the same ages if it were a daughter and boyfriend?

Some areas don't have 6th forms so ,still in school

Sounds fine to me. 16 year old DD's best friend is 18; they've been BFFs since very young. I'd have no qualms with the gap if they were together but that will never happen as he's been openly gay for a good few years now. My DM saw him pick her up a while back and said "who's that man she went off with? I'm not happy with her going out with adult men!" I had to laugh and point out that when he used to come round and play at age 8 the gap was no different!

A few months back DD introduced this BFF to one of her male friends from school (who is 16 like her) as she thought they would make a good match - and they have indeed been together and very loved up since. I know her BFF's parents are perfectly relaxed over it. It was apparently a shock to the younger lad's parents but they've been sensible enough to keep the lines of communication open and not do anything stupid like trying to ban it.

Two years is nothing and I can't see gender or sexual orientation make any difference. If the sexuality is a shock, that's for you to deal with in your own head.

"The fact that he is at school and the other at uni."

That could equally well be the case with a two month age gap. And if he fell in love with somebody a year younger than him, the same situation would apply when he goes off to uni.

When I met dh I had just started uni; he had graduated and was working in his chosen profession. We also lived in different countries and had no money, and this was before the days of internet, skype or cheap telephone calls. But that was our problem. We dealt with it.

Sounds very normal to me too. He could probably be very useful to your ds with regards to helping him choose a course and applying and choosing a uni. He has been through all of that himself recently so they will have lots in common in that respect. Invite him over for tea when he is in town if you are concerned but I bet there isn't anything to worry about. I think you are very lucky by the way, to have such an open relationship with your ds it shows you have brought him up well. My grandad missed out on Yeats of my uncles life because he wouldn't meet or accept his boyfriends. My best mate also met his boyfriend when he was 20 and the boyfriend was 17 and at school, 6 years later they are both finishing their masters degrees and have supported each other all the way through.

I don't understand what the issue is unless 19 is a typo and you meant to type 49.

If they were an item before the boyfriend went to uni I wouldn't think twice (except maybe to warn DS that often relationships don't last when one goes off to college - but I might not even mention this).

A 17 year old at school meeting a 19 year old off at uni for the first time - I might keep a bit of an eye on whether a gay or straight relationship- just because I'd want my 17 year old to be more or less doing what 17 year olds in 6th form college do - not off doing older stuff. But I wouldn't worry about it too much at all.

and in either case, definitely invite home, have for dinner etc. my mum was a bit of a snob in some ways but anyone was welcome in our home and she never said a word against any friend or boyfriend - was welcoming, happy to see them, got out of the way so we could hang out etc. As a result we brought everyone home and our parents knew all our friends and boyfriends.

2 years is not an age gap in any couple who are dating.
I really don't understand the issue.

I was 17 and in sixth form when I started going out with my first longer-term boyfriend. He was 19 and at university (about 100miles away)

What is the problem?

My thought would be the 19 year old will likely move on to someone new so how best to support your son. (same advice whatever the sex involved).

It's not a big age gap at all.
And it's really normal to have a boyfriend/girlfriend at uni if you're still doing your A levels.

Hello Ladies,

Thanks for all the advice so far.
Yes we knew he was gay.
Sorry if I seem to be blunt or a but stupid but I'm new to this forum and am such an oldie haha.

I guess I was hoping he'd wait until uni to get a boyfriend really.

Should I let him sleep in his boyfriends uni halls? They are going to go for dinner in his city and trains stop running home around 10 so he'd have to leave around 9pm.
I guess I'm a bit scared to see him growing up

Have you had a safe sex talk?
So young that the relationship probably won't last, but any cooties might. So I'd be just asking about precautions.

I guess I'm a bit scared to see him growing up
Unmumsnetty hug, OP

A two-year age gap is nothing, so it's all about the context - I understand why you might feel there's a bit of a difference between a schoolboy and a university student. But I think it's an emotional response that you just need to handle. You're not wrong to have feelings about it, but you would perhaps be wrong to intervene on that basis. (Not that you were saying you were going to intervene anyway!)

Are you actually worried about him having sex?

If he wants to stay over in his boyfriend's halls, I would let him.

I would have a chat with him before hand and let him know that if he changes his mind about staying, or that he goes to the halls but doesn't want to stay, then he can call you and you will come for him, no questions asked.

I got up to all sorts in my teens, but always knew I could ring my mum and she'd come. I was 22 before I rang her, and that wasn't an emergency situation! I navigated my teens by being sensible and having good friends. But I did always know I could ring my mum and she'd come, and that gives a wonderful freedom to explore.

Yes it is scary them growing up just let him stay dont make a huge deal of it.

Don't see the age gap as a problem.
DD1 in first year at Uni, and knows quite a few with BF/GFs still at school.
Also a few of the current yr13's at her previous school love going to visit their friends from the year above at their Unis.

One thing to note re overnighting in halls - some contracts (DD's included) don't allow under 18's to stay. So your DS's BF may want to check he wouldn't be in breach of contract.

I understand your feelings lawlawlaw

We parents are never ready for these things - they never seem to go the way you expect eg a gf or bf from school who comes round from time to time then goes home at the end of the evening preferably! It must be a shock to the system to have your DS go to see a bf at uni when only a few months ago he was still only 16.

IMO it's fine to say to him that you are happy for him if he's in a nice relationship and to say to him that time flies and it seems no time since he was little.

Is your DS in his final year of school? If not I suppose my concern would be that he doesn't engage as much with the social side of school, wants to hurry on to the next step etc but as other posters have said at this stage of his life his relationship is fairly unlikely to last very long so I would try to resist giving him too much advice other than on being safe.

You were right it didn't last long!
They both decided they needed to concentrate on their exams, but the other guy called it off.
Apparently with the hope of maybe seeing each other next year.

My son seems pretty upset, moody, not eating properly, feeling sick etc.
Oh dear