Should I tell his parents......

[MegJoshMum]

Hi
My son is 10 and went to the park with his friend the other day. He was back 20 minutes early and was in a right state, not upset but all out of breeath and couldnt get his words out. Turns out that a 13yr old who we know quite well has been trying to persuade him to take up smoking down the park. He said No and ran home but this boy still followed him and tried to persuade him. he made me promise to not tell his mum as he doesnt want to get into trouble for saying but I know his mum quite well and she will be devastated. Now in a dilemma, What would you do?
Debbie
x

I would have a word on the QT your son doesnt have to no and your friend could approach the subject in a round about way so her son doesnt think your son said something

I would - little shit that he is! And 13? What the hell's going on with the world! How can a 13 year old CHILD get hold of ciggarettes (sp)? I totally understand the dilema your in, however if you don't mention it to the boys parents he is only going to continue hasseling your child. And if he gets at your son enough he may give in to the other boys taunting, if that makes sense. Tell his mum, but ask her to say nothing of you or your son, as you fear a falling out betwen the two boys would only upset the situation further. Be perfectly nice with her, as she will probs not be overly happy about it and may even go into denial with it. Some mothers cant see through their own children, so just be aware of this and be civil and polite about the situation. Hopefully she can have a word with her son about his smoking without dragging you into it, maybe suggest to her that a neighbour saw him and has informed you. Or she could even say she saw him smoking etc. Sorry if im not making sense, good on your son for not giving into to peer pressure - you must be a very proud mummy!

We had a similar situation in our village - an older lad was hanging around outside the youth club selling cigarettes. In the end one of the farmers threatened to turn him upside down and bang his head on the floor. He's not been back.

Not an ideal solution, but probably more efficient than expecting a bully to take notice of his mum.

You know his mum quite well, and you sound quite able to bring the subject up without it being a rant and leading to ill feeling all around.

Smoking is absolutely commonplace in this age group well the 13 age group anyway..kids do experiment and ciggies are easily come by. So it's not going to be that odd that your ds was offered/encouraged/coercion attempted by mates to try one..not sure i would call it bullying more joshing.

Anyway i would speak to the mum completely frankly alonmg the lines of

ds was in the park the other day and cigarettes were being bandied about, he was determined not to smoke himself and has asked me not to say anything to you but i felt you'd like to know. thankfully ds said no but I think we should knock this on the head quite firmly don't you?

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I think that once the kids get to 13... you have to step back a bit. I wouldn't tell his mother even though you know her. It will come out eventually. As long as you are happy that your son is not smoking, that's fine.

If you do tell her, she is bound to challenge her son straightaway... anyone would. And it will be obvious it has come from your son... thereby causing problems.

I think a direct, but friendly approach to the mother is a good bet. You don't have to sound judgemental about her 13 year old smoking. There is a big age gap between the two boys after all - one is still a child while the other is a teenager. Focus on the fact that the older boy was trying to persuade a younger child to try a cigarette. Something along the lines of I'm sure when my son is 13 he'll know more about cigarettes and make his own choices, but he's only 10 and got a bit worried about being offered.

When my son is 13 in a few months, I would be upset to find out he is smoking and would be grateful to be told. However, I know experimentation is natural at that age so would not feel the world had ended!. However I'd be livid if I knew he was trying to coerce other children, especially younger children, to try a cigarette. That is bad, plain and simple.

If you really don't want to tell the parent you son was involved, can you just say you think you saw her son and his friends smoking in the park and teasing some younger children with cigarettes, and leave it as vague as that.

the causing problems thing does worry me a bit as the kids do use this to threaten others with..i don't think as parents we should fear the consequences for our children if we are open with them and they with us over dealing with problems. If bullying/teasing/ undue pressure is nipped in the bud it is less likely to escalate and become the norm in any particualr group. Surely? imo?

Thanks to you all, I will tell the mum and let you know how I get on,
I deep down I was going to but you have given me the kick up the butt to get on with it,
Debbie
x

it's an awkward age when they split bit between secondary and junior..but take a deep breath and i'm sure you will be please dot get the chat out of the way..and that's what i would see it as a chat between parents really, we are all muddling through as best we can

hope you feel happier after

and let us know how it goes good luck

Hope it goes well. I do think this boy's actions were bullying - your ds had said no and that should have been that. Good on your ds for sticking to his guns, and for telling you.

giddy1, the boy in our village was 16 and the farmer 23 so not so uneven as it may have sounded. His mother would simply not have believed it. I genuinely do deplore violence but this was a nasty situation that was getting out of hand.