Reassure me I am not out of touch, no parent would allow this right?

[ChasingMars]

DD is 15. Steady boyfriend, also 15, lovely lad, joins in with the family and is kind and respectful to DD and ourselves. He's often round the house, joins in with family emails and movies etc. Fine by us.

They are having sex, for about a month or so. DD is open with me about it, she has visited the clinic with me and had an implant fitted, knows she must always use condoms as well and they seem sensible. Whilst I'm not thrilled I don't think sex with a steady boyfriend at 15 and a bit (she will be 16 in Autumn, he at Christmas) is anything to get my knickers in a twist about.

However....DD asked if the BF could stay over this weekend. I said of course, he's welcome on the sofa, or on a put up bed in my son's room (he's 8 and adores the BF). He lives far enough away to make it a not very safe walk if it's dark and it can be awkward with lifts if it's a Saturday and we're fancying a glass of wine late on, and his mum is on her own with a toddler so can't always pick him up. However, the sofa is NOT what DD meant! She thinks that I should allow them to share a bed! I nearly laughed my socks off and said no way, he was welcome to stay in another room as I agreed, and that once they were both 16 we could talk about it again.

Apparently I am prudish (I am not, far from it!) and of course every other parent on earth would allow this! So...would you? (I'm not going to by the way, just interested in opinions)

[SirVixofVixHall]

I am laughing at the Irish posters who weren't allowed to share a bedroom pre-marriage. Same here. I was living with DH for several years prior to us getting married (when I was 39), and we absolutely were not allowed to share a room at my parents house. I am Welsh, and I think that culturally we are closer to Ireland than England.
Anyway I really think things have gone too far the other way. I can't see what is at all ok about schoolchildren shagging, with all the emotional fallout and the pregnancy risks which would be ghastly not only for the kids involved but for both families too, especially where there are strongly conflicting views on what to do if a teenager gets pregnant.

[rogueantimatter]

At this age it's facilitating a relationship getting serious if they're allowed to spend the whole night together then have breakfast etc.

There's a difference between having sex and spending the night together - it could become the whole weekend. Too much for a 15YO IMO.

[RedOnHerHedd]

There's a difference in supporting your daughter in using precautions and actively being seen to support the actions. I would be 100% with you OP.

[Catphrase]

No not if she shares a room. The sister will feel rejected and pushed out.
I was the sister (only I was 15 and my sister 18). It was horrid, I heard stuff and cried myself to sleep that is been kicked out for a shag.

Slightly irrational as a grown up looking back but it was horrid

[Natsku]

Don't have a teenager yet so my opinion might change when my daughter gets older but right now I don't see it as a big deal. They're already having sex, why not let them cuddle together at night. I would make them sleep on an airbed downstairs rather than kick the younger DD out as that's not fair on her.

I remember having to share my room with my brothers' girlfriends when I was growing up and I hated it, felt so awkward but my parents were very strict - I wasn't allowed to share a room with my boyfriend even when we were 19/20.

[BlimeyCrikey]

The replies are very divided, do what feels right for you op.

[LuckyTr33]

Boy lives too far away and unsafe in the dark - I would be sending him home in the daylight

At 15 I think they should both be concentrating on school and hobbies as their two main priorities

Encouraging volunteering and looking for part time work at 16
This may involve walking or travelling to places in the dark !

Sharing a bed seems a bit too much, too soon

Your house, your rules

I would not allow boy to stay over in a shared room with younger sister

What about the fall out if they split up ?

[LIZS]

If you feel he is too young to get himself home safely, they are too young to sleep together, with or without your agreement. This relationship requires a level of maturity that they do not yet have. Dd is same year group and I'd be appalled to hear of another parent entertaining this. You cannot possibly consider disrupting your family's normal bedroom arrangements to accommodate this (do you want you or your dc to walk in on them on an air bed!) and indeed she may want you to put your foot down and let her off the hook. Assert your boundaries now or you risk a lifetime of grief when your younger dc expect the same or assume more.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Hard decision. I am on the fence but as the parent of a 15 year old boy and another 2 who were 15 once, I would say that I have NEVER met a 15 year old boy who was emotionally mature enough for this sort of relationship. This means that they are not really able to put someone else first over a sustained period of time, and however nice they are, they are fairly self obsessed, and don't have the resources to cope with adult emotions and responsibilities. So although your dd is sleeping with him occasionally, I wouldn't be encouraging it as a regular thing as it might make her feel as if she's in a proper grown up relationship, which she clearly isn't. And especially in the light of what happened with her previous boyfriend, I would be looking at ways of keeping this relationship less intense. How long has she actually been going out with him? From memory, 3 or 4 months seemed like a long relationship as a teenager!

[Loqo]

My rules are

My rules are whatever I say goes
16 and over
Lots of protection
Long term boyfriend and girlfriend
Similar age
Not a right but a privilege
Not too much pda
Schoolwork must be ok
Everyone must be polite and naice

[tkndnv]

I would be OK with them sharing a room if she had her own room.

However, as she shares with the sister that's a different matter. I think in that case it would be a no from me.

[Primaryteach87]

My parents did allow this. We have been married a decade now. I'm not sure I see the point in separate bedrooms if you know and (sort of) approve of them having sex. Just seems an odd line to draw to me.

[scarlets]

I know some people who wouldn't allow unmarried couples to share a room. I know some "right on" types who facilitate their kids' sex lives at 14. Both are extreme. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. 17/18 and in a committed relationship id say, and no more than one or two nights per week .

[Kr1stina]

I agree it all seems pretty intense . Especially for a 15 yo who is getting over the suicide of her ex BF . Most adults would find this a lot to deal with .

BTW when does she study ? Because you said she teaches swimming one night a week, sees BF three nights a week and also goes out with friends. .and she used to swim competitively, which I assume means training at least 3 times a week . Sounds very busy .

I have a 15Yo DD too and I don't see how she could keep up with school work / exam revisions and go out 5 nights a week .