Reassure me I am not out of touch, no parent would allow this right?

[ChasingMars]

DD is 15. Steady boyfriend, also 15, lovely lad, joins in with the family and is kind and respectful to DD and ourselves. He's often round the house, joins in with family emails and movies etc. Fine by us.

They are having sex, for about a month or so. DD is open with me about it, she has visited the clinic with me and had an implant fitted, knows she must always use condoms as well and they seem sensible. Whilst I'm not thrilled I don't think sex with a steady boyfriend at 15 and a bit (she will be 16 in Autumn, he at Christmas) is anything to get my knickers in a twist about.

However....DD asked if the BF could stay over this weekend. I said of course, he's welcome on the sofa, or on a put up bed in my son's room (he's 8 and adores the BF). He lives far enough away to make it a not very safe walk if it's dark and it can be awkward with lifts if it's a Saturday and we're fancying a glass of wine late on, and his mum is on her own with a toddler so can't always pick him up. However, the sofa is NOT what DD meant! She thinks that I should allow them to share a bed! I nearly laughed my socks off and said no way, he was welcome to stay in another room as I agreed, and that once they were both 16 we could talk about it again.

Apparently I am prudish (I am not, far from it!) and of course every other parent on earth would allow this! So...would you? (I'm not going to by the way, just interested in opinions)

[Kr1stina]

I agree it all seems pretty intense . Especially for a 15 yo who is getting over the suicide of her ex BF . Most adults would find this a lot to deal with .

BTW when does she study ? Because you said she teaches swimming one night a week, sees BF three nights a week and also goes out with friends. .and she used to swim competitively, which I assume means training at least 3 times a week . Sounds very busy .

I have a 15Yo DD too and I don't see how she could keep up with school work / exam revisions and go out 5 nights a week .

[scarlets]

I know some people who wouldn't allow unmarried couples to share a room. I know some "right on" types who facilitate their kids' sex lives at 14. Both are extreme. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. 17/18 and in a committed relationship id say, and no more than one or two nights per week .

[Primaryteach87]

My parents did allow this. We have been married a decade now. I'm not sure I see the point in separate bedrooms if you know and (sort of) approve of them having sex. Just seems an odd line to draw to me.

[tkndnv]

I would be OK with them sharing a room if she had her own room.

However, as she shares with the sister that's a different matter. I think in that case it would be a no from me.

[Loqo]

My rules are

My rules are whatever I say goes
16 and over
Lots of protection
Long term boyfriend and girlfriend
Similar age
Not a right but a privilege
Not too much pda
Schoolwork must be ok
Everyone must be polite and naice

[DelphiniumBlue]

Hard decision. I am on the fence but as the parent of a 15 year old boy and another 2 who were 15 once, I would say that I have NEVER met a 15 year old boy who was emotionally mature enough for this sort of relationship. This means that they are not really able to put someone else first over a sustained period of time, and however nice they are, they are fairly self obsessed, and don't have the resources to cope with adult emotions and responsibilities. So although your dd is sleeping with him occasionally, I wouldn't be encouraging it as a regular thing as it might make her feel as if she's in a proper grown up relationship, which she clearly isn't. And especially in the light of what happened with her previous boyfriend, I would be looking at ways of keeping this relationship less intense. How long has she actually been going out with him? From memory, 3 or 4 months seemed like a long relationship as a teenager!

[LIZS]

If you feel he is too young to get himself home safely, they are too young to sleep together, with or without your agreement. This relationship requires a level of maturity that they do not yet have. Dd is same year group and I'd be appalled to hear of another parent entertaining this. You cannot possibly consider disrupting your family's normal bedroom arrangements to accommodate this (do you want you or your dc to walk in on them on an air bed!) and indeed she may want you to put your foot down and let her off the hook. Assert your boundaries now or you risk a lifetime of grief when your younger dc expect the same or assume more.

[LuckyTr33]

Boy lives too far away and unsafe in the dark - I would be sending him home in the daylight

At 15 I think they should both be concentrating on school and hobbies as their two main priorities

Encouraging volunteering and looking for part time work at 16
This may involve walking or travelling to places in the dark !

Sharing a bed seems a bit too much, too soon

Your house, your rules

I would not allow boy to stay over in a shared room with younger sister

What about the fall out if they split up ?

[BlimeyCrikey]

The replies are very divided, do what feels right for you op.

[Natsku]

Don't have a teenager yet so my opinion might change when my daughter gets older but right now I don't see it as a big deal. They're already having sex, why not let them cuddle together at night. I would make them sleep on an airbed downstairs rather than kick the younger DD out as that's not fair on her.

I remember having to share my room with my brothers' girlfriends when I was growing up and I hated it, felt so awkward but my parents were very strict - I wasn't allowed to share a room with my boyfriend even when we were 19/20.

[Catphrase]

No not if she shares a room. The sister will feel rejected and pushed out.
I was the sister (only I was 15 and my sister 18). It was horrid, I heard stuff and cried myself to sleep that is been kicked out for a shag.

Slightly irrational as a grown up looking back but it was horrid

[RedOnHerHedd]

There's a difference in supporting your daughter in using precautions and actively being seen to support the actions. I would be 100% with you OP.

[rogueantimatter]

At this age it's facilitating a relationship getting serious if they're allowed to spend the whole night together then have breakfast etc.

There's a difference between having sex and spending the night together - it could become the whole weekend. Too much for a 15YO IMO.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I am laughing at the Irish posters who weren't allowed to share a bedroom pre-marriage. Same here. I was living with DH for several years prior to us getting married (when I was 39), and we absolutely were not allowed to share a room at my parents house. I am Welsh, and I think that culturally we are closer to Ireland than England.
Anyway I really think things have gone too far the other way. I can't see what is at all ok about schoolchildren shagging, with all the emotional fallout and the pregnancy risks which would be ghastly not only for the kids involved but for both families too, especially where there are strongly conflicting views on what to do if a teenager gets pregnant.

[SoupDragon]

Without knowing the sort of place the OP lives, it is impossible to comment in the boy getting himself home.

Where I live it would be a piece of cake due to good public transport that is free to children. Somewhere rural OTOH would be a complete pain for anyone unable to drive themselves.

[Kidnapped]

I am still a bit hmmmm at the idea that a 15 year old boy is adult enough to conduct a sexual relationship with your daughter in your own home, but that he is somehow not adult enough to manage to get himself home of an evening.

It demonstrates very clearly what is at play here. They both want the best of both worlds - an intense sexual adult relationship without any of the tedious adult responsibilities that come with that. A child's view of an adult relationship really.

Most of us have to sort out our own logistics when we want a shag. It is part of being an adult, after all.

[pandora987]

I remember my Dad not letting me and my boyfriend share a room when we came to stay in spite of us living together and being about 25 years old!! Not under my roof - he said. Until you're married!! How things have changed...
I would not openly condone it - its not legal yet, although we're being naïve if we don't think its going on. I think there's a difference between knowing its happening and even talking to your DD about it and helping and advising her is different from making up a double bed for them in your house. I would not comment on any late night wandering though!

[caitlinohara]

It's relevant what his parents do because if they are not allowed to sleep at yours they might be allowed to sleep at his.

It sounds like a healthy relationship to me, she has other interests and stuff so I wouldn't worry about that.

If they are still together when they turn 16 will you allow it then?

[JustDanceAddict]

If they are already having sex then, yes I would turn a blind eye, but not in a shared room with an 8 year old!!

[DownstairsMixUp]

Just seen your update, that is a lot of time to be spending together at that age op.

[DownstairsMixUp]

prof just said it better than me. But that is how i feel. Way too grown up of a relationship for two 15 year olds imo.

[DownstairsMixUp]

No I wouldn't. I would help them with any advice re protection but i wouldn't enable it. Anyfucker gives really good advice on this and has done on similar threads if you search it, she puts it into words a lot better than i do and has made me defintely realise things about how i will treat my boys.

[ProfGrammaticus]

Mine (boys) are this age. I wouldn't allow it, it makes their relationship too easy, too grown up, too time consuming, too all-consuming, too convenient and too hard to get out of. I still think you've done the right thing re contraception. But tbh I'd be forgoing my glass of wine and driving him home rather than letting him stay.

[stinkysnowbear]

My DF let me have boys to stay from around 15 on the basis that if I was having sex he would rather I do it safely at home.

I don't see the big deal myself.