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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Reassure me I am not out of touch, no parent would allow this right?

90 replies

ChasingMars · 01/03/2016 11:13

DD is 15. Steady boyfriend, also 15, lovely lad, joins in with the family and is kind and respectful to DD and ourselves. He's often round the house, joins in with family emails and movies etc. Fine by us.

They are having sex, for about a month or so. DD is open with me about it, she has visited the clinic with me and had an implant fitted, knows she must always use condoms as well and they seem sensible. Whilst I'm not thrilled I don't think sex with a steady boyfriend at 15 and a bit (she will be 16 in Autumn, he at Christmas) is anything to get my knickers in a twist about.

However....DD asked if the BF could stay over this weekend. I said of course, he's welcome on the sofa, or on a put up bed in my son's room (he's 8 and adores the BF). He lives far enough away to make it a not very safe walk if it's dark and it can be awkward with lifts if it's a Saturday and we're fancying a glass of wine late on, and his mum is on her own with a toddler so can't always pick him up. However, the sofa is NOT what DD meant! She thinks that I should allow them to share a bed! I nearly laughed my socks off and said no way, he was welcome to stay in another room as I agreed, and that once they were both 16 we could talk about it again.

Apparently I am prudish (I am not, far from it!) and of course every other parent on earth would allow this! So...would you? (I'm not going to by the way, just interested in opinions)

OP posts:

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ChasingMars · 01/03/2016 11:40

Blimey I wasn't for a second suggesting they would be in the same room as younger sister! Ewwww! No either younger DD would move rooms, or they would be downstairs together on an airbed.

OP posts:

RhombusRiley · 01/03/2016 11:41

No. I think the line you could take is it's not legal, you can't be officially "letting them sleep together". You can't stop her and you've been practical and supportive, BUT when it comes to staying over you toe the official line which is not until 16. Also not if it means inconveniencing younger DD.

I might say something like "obviously if you visit the sofa in the night that's your business, as long as I don't hear anything".

SleepyForest · 01/03/2016 11:43

Dh always had to sleep in a separate room at my parents until we got married. I thought this was quite normal.

You may have to accept that your dd is having sex, you don't have to encourage it.

ChasingMars · 01/03/2016 11:44

Can I clarify I never considered letting him share a bed with her in the same room as my younger DD! That would be very strange! No, either younger DD would have to move (not fair) or they would have an airbed downstairs.

Penny thank you, that's what I am getting at really, I don't think getting her contraception is facilitating, I think it is a pragmatic approach to making sure she is safe, but saying 'oh yeh he can stay over in a bed with you' looks a little bit too much like facilitating it to me.

OP posts:

ChasingMars · 01/03/2016 11:45

Rhombus yes that would kind of be my view I think

OP posts:

PosieReturningParker · 01/03/2016 11:48

Agree with you OP. I think knowing but not knowing is fine! No way sharing a bed, certainly not with another child in the room. It sort of suggests your DD isn't really mature enough for a sexual relationship in the first place if she cannot understand why it's wrong and inappropriate to share a bed in front of her sister.

PosieReturningParker · 01/03/2016 11:48

oooopppp.. crossed,

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/03/2016 11:50

DD shares a room with her sister too, it wouldn't be fair to kick her out to enable them

Correct. I would be quite concerned about your 12 yr old modelling her behaviour. Where's your cut off with underage sex? How do you explain it to her sister if she wants overnight guest when she's 14.5?
If she wants to be treated as a adult then she needs to learn discretion.

ricketytickety · 01/03/2016 11:52

No, they're too young end of. Making the sex difficult is a good thing. They have to accept that it's not something you should facilitate until they are a bit older. The contraception is safeguarding her but blatant bed sharing is not. And it wouldn't harm her to discuss how waiting is good mentally aswell as physically for her as pregnancy and stds can happen even on contraception.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/03/2016 11:54

Ahh. I wasn't allowed to sleep with my boyfriend of 2 years (who I lived with in London) when we went home to Norn Iron to visit his Mammy. I was 22 .

I quite understand your reluctance op. My dd is 15 and afaik none of her friends are sleeping with boyfriends in their parents houses.

Doubledaff · 01/03/2016 11:55

I would be concerned that if she splits with her current boyfriend would she then expect a new boyfriend to be able to sleep over straight away as that's the norm?

I also feel that it's a step too far towards a serious relationship/settling down if staying the odd night quickly turns to him being there most nights.

As for a 15 year old having sex well I think most of them do and at least she's being open with you.

ricketytickety · 01/03/2016 11:56

my mum allowed us to bedshare at 16 but looking back it meant I lost my one place I didn't have to share with anyone. I look back and wish I'd not given myself so freely. mum wanted us to be 'open' about sex but the grey areas were never discussed like the stress of thinking your period is late or the worry that you couldn't say no to your randy bf.

MajesticWhine · 01/03/2016 11:58

OP I agree with your approach. I wouldn't be ok with this. Acknowledging that they have had sex is one thing. It is unfortunate that they are having underage sex but getting contraception sorted was necessary.

Facilitating it with an airbed is quite another. I don't think it's mixed signals, I think it's drawing a line and saying no, I don't condone this in my house. They are very young and there really is no need to encourage them to have underage sex. You don't want to come downstairs in the morning to a pile of tissues and a stained bed sheet. No way.

BlimeyCrikey · 01/03/2016 11:59

Phew!

It's unfair to turf her sister out I'd say.

HoggleHoggle · 01/03/2016 12:00

I agree with you op. I admire you for supporting your daughter with her decision to start having sex by making sure she's doing it safely etc - and realistically you can't stop it anyway - but sharing a room to me is encouragement and I wouldn't do it. Sharing a bed with someone in that context is actually quite a 'grown up' thing to do and I just think she got years ahead of her to do things like that. Also if it happens this time then surely she'll want it to be a fairly regular thing and that's a bit of a pain given that she shares a room and people will need to be changed round.

I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay in my room until I came back from uni. I thought my mum was crushingly strict but looking back I totally agree with her.

NewLife4Me · 01/03/2016 12:00

OP, it's up to you where your values lie.
My ds1 had been with his gf for several years and was about 21 before I allowed it.
Of course they were having sex before this but we have a younger child now aged 12 she was about 8 at the time.
Ds2 is 21 and was about 16/17 at the time.

My house, my rules. I didn't want to give them the idea this is what was acceptable to me.
My dc are fine by our rules and agreed about what message we send to dd.
Ds2 gf stays over now, they've been together over a year and we make her welcome.

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/03/2016 12:01

No. I think the line you could take is it's not legal, you can't be officially "letting them sleep together". You can't stop her and you've been practical and supportive, BUT when it comes to staying over you toe the official line which is not until 16. Also not if it means inconveniencing younger DD.

This.

Kidnapped · 01/03/2016 12:03

Sounds like he has practically moved in.

He seems to be around your house a lot, and I wouldn't like that - even without the sex business.

Your daughter needs time to be with other friends, needs to spend time alone, needs time to study and needs time with her family. It is too intense a relationship otherwise. I'd be encouraging her to find some other hobbies also.

Can you suggest he comes round twice a week? And then she can go to his or meet him in between times.

shovetheholly · 01/03/2016 12:06

I'm absolutely not posting this to criticise any of your decisions. Not at all - I think you sound like a great mum, who is very much not out of touch with either culture or her kids. And I think only you can make this difficult decision, because you know your daughter way better than any of us.

I suppose my question is: why does it make a difference whether it's in your house? The thing is, you know she is having sex - she's been open with you about it (which suggests a great relationship, btw). Not only that, but you've very sensibly made sure that she's got full protection from pregnancy by taking her to a clinic. Given all that, does it make that much difference? If she's going to have sex anyway, whatever, isn't it better that it happens somewhere safe?

The only reason I can think of is really about perception - you would be seen to be doing what in fact you are doing, which is condoning a sexual relationship between them. But since you are doing that anyway... To what extent is this really about what's best for them, and to what extent is it about what other people might think of you as a parent? And if you say no, is it going to lead to them having sex in more risky locations?

pinkcan · 01/03/2016 12:09

I'd allow him to stay over in her room. I can't see the problem. She has been sensible, open with you, her bf is decent and kind. Where do you think they should be having sex ideally?

MistressDeeCee · 01/03/2016 12:11

I think you are 100% right, OP. It doesn't matter if they are sleeping together, you DON'T have to have that happen in your home if you don't want to. You've offered a bed in your 8 yr old's room, you say they get on well so I can't see the issue with that. Your life doesn't have to be dictated by your 15 year old DDs love life, and you've been very understanding of them so far, which is a good thing. Anyway..if they start sleeping together under your roof he'll never be out of your house..in fact, how often is he around?

Agree with what Kidnapped has said, a lot

Im always dubious re. young girls who seem to have the boyfriend as main/huge focus. Friends, hobbies, study time, family time are all just as important as him. She's only 15. No.. don't encourage it, he'll never be off your doorstep out of her bedroom once he knows a regular love nest is secured, and also if you don't want your 8 year old to be aware of them sharing a bed then thats your right, too.

fox123 · 01/03/2016 12:14

I allowed my 15yr DS to have his girlfriend 'sleep over' (also 15yr) as she lived a fair distance from us. I insisted that they have separate bedrooms as I didn't want to condone their sexual relationship but we were able to discuss it sensibly and they respected my views. You need to keep the lines of communication open so that your DD feels she can discuss all aspects of her relationship with you, good or bad.

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MistressDeeCee · 01/03/2016 12:14

my mum allowed us to bedshare at 16 but looking back it meant I lost my one place I didn't have to share with anyone. I look back and wish I'd not given myself so freely. mum wanted us to be 'open' about sex but the grey areas were never discussed like the stress of thinking your period is late or the worry that you couldn't say no to your randy bf.

^ This, too. Its not just about sex, there are a lot of "grown up" issues around this too. 15 is so young.. no need to have him as a constant in her life and in her bed regularly just yet

caitlinohara · 01/03/2016 12:15

Have I missed a bit - what do his parents think about it? IS your dd allowed to stay at his house and in the same room?

wannaBe · 01/03/2016 12:15

I would neither be encouraging nor facilitating a fifteen year old having sex. I would discuss contraception (which tbh should be the pill as well as him using protection) but would be discouraging her from getting into a sexual relationship quite so young.

And tbh as the mother of a DS I would be none too pleased if the mother of a fifteen year old girl encouraged them to sleep together while on her watch, on the basis that they are under age, but that if the relationship were to end it is potentially the boy who ends up with the tarnish to his reputation for having sex with a minor, even if he himself is still under age.

Plus if you move your DD out of their room to facilitate them sleeping together you are giving an awful message to her as well.

If that makes me a prude then so be it.

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