Reassure me I am not out of touch, no parent would allow this right?

[ChasingMars]

DD is 15. Steady boyfriend, also 15, lovely lad, joins in with the family and is kind and respectful to DD and ourselves. He's often round the house, joins in with family emails and movies etc. Fine by us.

They are having sex, for about a month or so. DD is open with me about it, she has visited the clinic with me and had an implant fitted, knows she must always use condoms as well and they seem sensible. Whilst I'm not thrilled I don't think sex with a steady boyfriend at 15 and a bit (she will be 16 in Autumn, he at Christmas) is anything to get my knickers in a twist about.

However....DD asked if the BF could stay over this weekend. I said of course, he's welcome on the sofa, or on a put up bed in my son's room (he's 8 and adores the BF). He lives far enough away to make it a not very safe walk if it's dark and it can be awkward with lifts if it's a Saturday and we're fancying a glass of wine late on, and his mum is on her own with a toddler so can't always pick him up. However, the sofa is NOT what DD meant! She thinks that I should allow them to share a bed! I nearly laughed my socks off and said no way, he was welcome to stay in another room as I agreed, and that once they were both 16 we could talk about it again.

Apparently I am prudish (I am not, far from it!) and of course every other parent on earth would allow this! So...would you? (I'm not going to by the way, just interested in opinions)

[RhombusRiley]

I think rickety makes a great point too. Encourage DD to see her own bed as her private space. If he can stay over and it's expected they can share a bed, then it's going to be hard for her ever to decide she doesn't want that..

[specialsubject]

perfectly reasonable not to want loud teenage shagging in your house, especially with younger siblings around.

he's unlikely to be the one love of her life, so you are starting a procession that the younger ones will see.

good on you for the open relationship and helping with the contraception - I don't see that meaning that you have to allow it in your house.

what other parents do is utterly irrelevant, you are not a sheep. The answer is 'no' - go find a quiet spot behind a bike shed like everyone else does. Or when they are 16 they can book a room in a travelodge.

[alltouchedout]

I don't think you're bu, op. One thing to support a dc who has decided to have so in doing so as safely as possible and aiding them in accessing decent contraception, quite another to be ok with said dc's partner staying overnight in their bed.

[cocochanel21]

I had Dd1 when I was 15.

It's good your DD can talk to you and is being sensible. My Bf told me you couldn't get pregnant the first time and I stupidly believed him. That was 23years ago.
My parents were devastated they honestly though we were just friends.

I wouldn't allow him to stay over in the same room as your other child. I would put him on the sofa.

[alltouchedout]

*decided to have sex

[ImperialBlether]

He's younger than she is, wannaBe.

[Kidnapped]

And this "too difficult" for him to get home late at night is just an excuse. Seems to manage to get himself there no problem.

Does he have a bike? If not, then obviously you can just say "I realise that it is difficult for you to get home late at night Ryan, so DH will be dropping you at your mum's at 8, okay?"

[EarlGreyTeaAndToast]

When my daughter is over 16, I would be okay with a boyfriend I knew staying in her bedroom.
I would not be okay at all with her having sex before at least 16.
And no, I am not sure what I would actually do about it, but I would have tried to stop it before. It's illegal.

[GnomeDePlume]

I agree with you OP and in fact this was the decision we made when DD1 was younger. Sex is one thing but sleeping together is a big step further on.

We did not want a boyfriend pottering about between bedroom and bathroom in the early morning when the other younger DCs should feel free to trot about in nightwear and not feel they should have to cover up.

For the same reason we would not let them sleep together downstairs in the sitting room.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Ahh. I wasn't allowed to sleep with my boyfriend of 2 years (who I lived with in London) when we went home to Norn Iron to visit his Mammy. I was 22

Ha ha, I wasn't allowed to share a room with my fiance, with whom I owned a house with in London. I was 35.......... We were together for 10 yrs before we got married - it felt really weird to finally share a room in my parents house after we got married and I miss my old bedroom now

Irish folk are v conservative generally. Birth control or no birth control, the prospect of an unwanted pregnancy but more so abortion is still a huge cultural issue. There is a gulf a mile wide between the two islands imo in terms of the average age of first intercourse, and parental acceptance of teens sharing a room.

I am not looking forward to the teen years !

[ChasingMars]

Thanks for all the replies.

In answer to him being the main focus of her life, yes that worries me, she does seem to fixate on boyfriends somewhat. Her previous boyfriend was quite abusive and ended up committing suicide so she has really been through it. Current BF is a breath of fresh air in contrast, but I do wonder if she is clinging to him for comfort after what she has been through (not that she is anyway unsupported, she talks to me and has a brilliant school counsellor)

He is probably around two evenings a week, plus one day at the weekend. They do go out with other friends and she does do things with her friends on her own too, normal teen stuff like shopping and sleepovers. Not as much as I would like I suppose, but she does have a social life that doesn't include him. She used to swim competitively but gave up about six months ago, I wish she still did that as it took up so much of her time She does still teach swimming one night a week though which is good. And as for studying I can't really complain about her commitment there.

DD hasn't actually mentioned that it's too difficult to get home. He does bike to us sometimes, but tbh has to go through quite a rough area to get home in the dark.

[SirVixofVixHall]

I would never in a gazillion years allow this. I think if you aren't old enough to deal with pregnancy in an adult way, then you aren't old enough to be having sex. 15 is so young. The law says 16 for a reason- because under that age, they are still children, and are too young to fully understand the emotional implications, as well as the physical ones, of a sexual relationship. At 17 I was going out with a man 6 years older, and I am so glad that my parents were really strict- he wasn't allowed in my room, ever. It gave me a reason to refuse something for which I really wasn't ready, and it gave me a safe place where I could still be the schoolgirl I was. At 15 I hadn't even started my periods, certainly sex didn't figure on my agenda. There is so much pressure on girls now to be sexually active really early, something which has changed since my teenage years (late 70s/early80s) The more accepting you are of her having sex, the more you leave her without any place to be the child she is. My eldest dd is 11, and I won't be allowing boys to stay over until she is a proper adult.

[scribblegirl]

I disagree with a fair few posters (probably because I don't have teens!) - 16 is an arbitrary age, it's a line in the sand that's drawn because of the 'average' teen. Many teens are mature enough to have sex at 15, others probably shouldn't be doing it even though they're pushing 20

I personally wouldn't let your DD's boyfriend sleep in her room because it would inconvenience younger DD.

One thing I would add is please don't tell your daughter that she can't have her bf to stay because it would confuse/upset her younger siblings. I wasn't allowed to share at 19 with my also 19-year old boyfriend because his father thought it would be too confusing for his younger sister (then 11). It felt appallingly unfair that we were being 'punished' because his parents had made the decision to have an 8-year age gap between them.

[SoupDragon]

I agree with you, OP. There is a difference (in my mind) between accepting it and making sure she is safe and facilitating it.

16 is an arbitrary age and, whilst still illegal, they are both the same age, less than a year from 16 and appear to be sensible wrt protection.

[Backingvocals]

You are absolutely not under any obligation to facilitate their relationship. You might be perfectly happy with them as boyfriend and girlfriend but you don't have to provide them with a love nest. A live-in partner at this age - even a part time one - is not at all appropriate.

Her home should be her space where she is actually still your child. Living in your home. A transition will come at some point where her home is her home as an adult but you are not there yet.

And yes they will have sex elsewhere. That's fine. That's what teenagers do. You don't need to arrange that for them.

As a single parent, I would never allow a mere boyfriend of mine to stay over. My house is a sanctuary for all of us. A boyfriend would have to become a pretty much permanent partner before I would expect my children to have to get used to his presence overnight. You are entitled to the same sense of your home being available to your family only. Friends and family might stay over for sleepovers now and again but they may not effectively move in for several nights a week.

[stinkysnowbear]

My DF let me have boys to stay from around 15 on the basis that if I was having sex he would rather I do it safely at home.

I don't see the big deal myself.

[ProfGrammaticus]

Mine (boys) are this age. I wouldn't allow it, it makes their relationship too easy, too grown up, too time consuming, too all-consuming, too convenient and too hard to get out of. I still think you've done the right thing re contraception. But tbh I'd be forgoing my glass of wine and driving him home rather than letting him stay.

[DownstairsMixUp]

No I wouldn't. I would help them with any advice re protection but i wouldn't enable it. Anyfucker gives really good advice on this and has done on similar threads if you search it, she puts it into words a lot better than i do and has made me defintely realise things about how i will treat my boys.

[DownstairsMixUp]

prof just said it better than me. But that is how i feel. Way too grown up of a relationship for two 15 year olds imo.

[DownstairsMixUp]

Just seen your update, that is a lot of time to be spending together at that age op.

[JustDanceAddict]

If they are already having sex then, yes I would turn a blind eye, but not in a shared room with an 8 year old!!

[caitlinohara]

It's relevant what his parents do because if they are not allowed to sleep at yours they might be allowed to sleep at his.

It sounds like a healthy relationship to me, she has other interests and stuff so I wouldn't worry about that.

If they are still together when they turn 16 will you allow it then?

[pandora987]

I remember my Dad not letting me and my boyfriend share a room when we came to stay in spite of us living together and being about 25 years old!! Not under my roof - he said. Until you're married!! How things have changed...
I would not openly condone it - its not legal yet, although we're being naïve if we don't think its going on. I think there's a difference between knowing its happening and even talking to your DD about it and helping and advising her is different from making up a double bed for them in your house. I would not comment on any late night wandering though!

[Kidnapped]

I am still a bit hmmmm at the idea that a 15 year old boy is adult enough to conduct a sexual relationship with your daughter in your own home, but that he is somehow not adult enough to manage to get himself home of an evening.

It demonstrates very clearly what is at play here. They both want the best of both worlds - an intense sexual adult relationship without any of the tedious adult responsibilities that come with that. A child's view of an adult relationship really.

Most of us have to sort out our own logistics when we want a shag. It is part of being an adult, after all.

[SoupDragon]

Without knowing the sort of place the OP lives, it is impossible to comment in the boy getting himself home.

Where I live it would be a piece of cake due to good public transport that is free to children. Somewhere rural OTOH would be a complete pain for anyone unable to drive themselves.