How the hell do you detach?!

[endofmytethertake100]

Just that really I need to for my sanity. DD has been near on impossible for 2 years. She smokes, drinks, suspect cannibis, in daily trouble at school, disengaged from education, rude, angry, guilt trips/emotional blackmail, swearing, lazy, dramas , false accusations and worst of all the most repulsive boyfriend who she adores despite him treating her like shit. My attempts to tell her she should end things resulted in her making false accusation that I "beat" her.

I am at my wits end and for my own sanity I need to try to detach but how? I am anxious 24/7 about DD and it is literally one thing after another after another. I have tried with her rewards, sanctions, boundaries, counselling, anger management , positive reinforcement etc etc to no avail.

Detach, not death!!

One of the things I got taught when attending a useful course was the 'I feel..when..because' sentences. The idea is that instead of criticising or advising or complaining (or screaming, or nagging) you use 'I feel, when, because. Eg: I feel worried when your boyfriend gets angry with you because I worry that you'll get hurt, or I feel angry when you swear at me because I try hard not to swear at you. It feels super awkward to do and takes practise but it does actually work sometimes. In fact, once or twice I've been surprised at how it has taken the heat out of the situation. As for how to detach - please tell me when you find the secret.

Still searching I'm using a new tactic to get rid of the boyfriend she has caught on I'm not as subtle as I hoped ! I feel once he's gone I still have a challenge but not to this extent. I do try that but when DD is on one she doesn't really listen or take much in, then when she's calm trying to talk about it sends her back but I can't just never confront. Occasionally she does though! I try the changing of situation "what if your best friend said this (insert a horrid boyfriend phrase)" she kind of responds to that. I saw a small glimmer of hope today as she said she's with him "for now" which is better than the previous forever!

Ooh that sounds promising.

Even if she doesn't break up with him - hopefully she will and soon - he might break up with her. It's very unlikely to be a long relationship at this age so hold your nerve and grit your teeth.