Lazy 17 yo with no ambitions.

[Timetogetup0630]

DD making me very stressed. Here I am wide awake in the middle of the night worrying about her. Year 12 at high achieving Grammar school. Surrounded by pushy confident girls who all want to be doctors,lawyers etc. She did very little work for GCSE's and scraped into 6th form. Now doing AS but refuses to study outside school. Doing Ok in 2 subjects but needs to put some effort in to pass the other 2 this year. Plays a musical instrument well, Grade 7, but refuses to do any practice.

Has no motivation and just drifts along. No idea what she wants to do next. Refuses to talk to me about her options for life after school. Refuses to see the careers Councillor, says it is a waste of time. Refuses to talk to Pastoral care or her form tutor. Her attitude to studying indicates to me that it would be pointless her going to University, at least in the short term.

She doesn't drink, do drugs, no boyfriend, goes to school where she has a nice group of friends who all put their heads down and get on with studying. Has never been in trouble at school, just sits their quietly. She rarely goes out. Has a part time job which gives her enough money to pay her phone contract and buy a few clothes. I don't give her any pocket money though will occasionally buy her shoes, coat etc. She's very funny and good company and on the whole we get on well. But she just doesn't seem to have any vision or ambitions.

My feeling is that she is scared of the big wide world out there and is just in complete denial about her next step forward in life. But she isn't helping herself by her refusal to talk through her "what next" options with anyone.

What do I do with her ?

Timetogetup what is the alternative for her if she doesn't work at her studies? Have you discussed with her what she will be doing if she doesn't do Work experience?

I would make sure she knows what will happen at 18, job, rent and any other further prospects of study will be fitted in along side this. It maybe though that's what she would be happy with.

OP do you think visiting some universities might spark an interest in her mid term future (long term I don't think she needs a firm plan yet).

There will be open days in June/July/September which she can book in March.

Could you look at the websites online together? Maybe look at done YouTube clips of students ?

If DD starts to fancy going to university then she might begin to make the effort required to get there?

As an adult it is easy to look back with hindsight

I know a couple of people who have done degrees in x subject, have found they are unhappy and have retrained in a completely different subject, obtained work and blossomed

I think school, college, uni puts people into a "cocoon" and it is not until you are 100% independent that reality kicks in
What I mean by this is that some people may wish to be an artist or a musician. But the reality is that they may need to do a "normal" job to pay the bills and do music or art part time

Competition for university and jobs are high, everyone wants the best candidates

I think you are lucky if you do a job that you enjoy (that option is not open to everyone)

When I was younger I had an idea of things that I didnt want to do

However as an adult I would now do some of those things

I think you have to make your own mistakes and learn lessons from life

Ooh Timetogetup I have a DD like yours. I think/know that she finds school stressful, that she is an introvert but also friendly, funny and clever and musically talented. She needs a lot of downtime to recover from school and socialising.

She has some dyslexic problems. Wen she was assessed by an ed psych aged 11 he said her difficulties were, "like having a brick in your rucksack. Not too much of a problem on the flat but really starts to tell going uphill. And uphill for Chillygirl will be A Levels." I remember thinking that he was wrong and she'd be ok somehow but he was right and A levels are proving tough.

DH refuses to believe she can't do A levels. It's not can't so much as won't. Just won't study at home any more than the bare minimum or less. It's so frustrating, the gap between what she can and what she does achieve. Occasionally she pulls off a stellar performance in something like public speaking and you can see her as yet untapped potential.

I think a lot of her avoidance is driven by anxiety along the lines of PDA (pathological demand avoidance, part of autistic spectrum). I do wonder if some of these young people have high functioning asperger type problems as it does manifest slightly differently in girls.

Holeinmyheart - lovely posts. Really helpful. I can't help wondering though if your unconditional support and refusing to give up on your children actually did contribute to their self belief and help them to find their way in the end.

Eric yes good idea to do some university visits to see if that is a motivator.
But there is NO WAY she is going to sit down with me and look at websites together. She absolutely refuses to discuss anything with me.

This is the crux of my problem. She doesn't want to talk to anyone about her options, but doesn't know enough about post 18 choices to make any sensible decisions about what to do.

She is desperate to be independent, but when it comes down to it she doesn't actually DO anything.

Chillywhippet definitely NOT dyslexic, but PDA, I hadn't thought of that. She does exhibit some slightly strange traits, is somewhat OCD, likes routine, demonstrates repetitive behaviour ( tics), but nothing that anyone except me would notice. Hmmm.

Nice, similar thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2548882-Self-sabotaging-procrastinating-DS-in-crisis-again-do-I-let-him-crash-and-burn?pg=1

What does anyone think about acupuncture or hypnotherapy for teenage anxiety and eating disorder

Billybelt suggest you start a new thread for that particular topic.

It's been several years now and if OP or anyone else is willing to share, would love to know how their teens got on.

I'm in a very similar to position with my 17 year old DD... She's more scared and worried than unmotivated. I've told her she doesn't have to have everything figured out now, but all her friends seem to have made decisions about their futures already, whereas she hasn't...

@babs19 this is a really ol thread might be better you start your own new one
I have a 17yo dd going into y14 (NI) in September school emailed this week to say they had to have handed in all online work experience by 30th June and need to have portfolio of choices after Alevels completed on return to school in September so at least her school gets involved and keeps parents in the loop.

What about nursing or social work or teaching? She may like these and less stressful at college as well.

She is very young why not just relax about it.

I was a total lazy head in the clouds party girl at that age. Went to private school but completely ignored the ambitious types around me. . Out all night every night doing drugs raving etc. I drifted along partying and got my own life on track in my mid 20s

I'm now 43 and very successful!

@babs19 I think that you'd probably be better starting your own thread as well.

Having said that, I'd try to reassure her that it's completely normal to not know what she wants to do at 17, 20, or even 30.

It doesn't matter if she hasn't got a career in mind, but she could do with a plan.

One of my DFs, and very successful and content, didn't have a clue what she wanted to do after A'Levels so she got a job for a year, which turned into 2 and then went to do her degree.

Waiting a year or two might just give her time to think.

How would she feel about doing an apprenticeship instead of a degree?

Crikey, she just sounds like an utterly normal laid-back and pleasant person! Not everyone is, or needs to be, high achieving or madly ambitious. It is still possible to lead a perfectly happy and successful life without being super driven and focused. In fact, people like your daughter tend to end up doing very well in my experience, as they get on well with others and can handle stress. When I finished my A-levels, my mum told me I needed to start paying rent if I wanted to live at home. That soon motivated me to get myself a job. Why not just tell her at 18 she'll either need to be at uni or working, up to her?

Leave her be.

I had a 17yo just like that, although none here near as accomplished. This improved a once I stopped seeing it as my problem and left him to pass or fail on his own merits. He passed, just. Drifted for a while when he left school and did some part time menial work, but now at 20 is about to start on a sought after degree apprenticeship with he company where is did the "temporary" job.

Some just need a bit more time.

Drop an a level and stop the music. Grade 7 is more than enough.

Following with interest. I've got a 16 yo who will be luck to scrape into Sixth form, despite being bright and academic.

I've bookmarked the notgoingtouni page because I know they don't see uni in their future plans (and if I'm honest I don't see them passing A levels. No one passes A level without some work and the motivation isn't there)

Sorry, I did consider starting a separate thread, but I thought if the OP and those who commented initially happened to still see this, it'd be good to get some perspective on how things turned out.

I've since had a very long chat with my DD and found out that she's not doing too good. She's opened up to me about some serious issues she's dealing with that's causing her behaviour, so I've gotten her a concellor and trying to help best I can.

Like most of the contributors on here said, I've realised that it really is better to fall back a little and give them some space (but not too much). I'm just grateful she's been able to open up to me. It's not easy being a teen, not to mention compounding COVID-19 and some of technology's ills.