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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

dd(14) planning to go to a sleepover New Year's Eve party ... at a boy's house.... any advice? for me not for her!!

25 replies

partypooper · 27/12/2006 22:02

she's been to plenty of sleepovers, always girls and I know the parents. This however is a lad's house... I don't know the parents though the kids have all been in the same class since they were 6 yrs old. I feel such an idiot, do I demand the parents' phone number and call them to ask what kind of supervision there is, like where are the kids going to sleep, or am I being stupid? They're all nice kids... but... I've even changed by name cause I feel so stupid asking you all. God and this is only the START of the teenage years!

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Kbear · 27/12/2006 22:18

I think the expression "no way Jose" springs to mind here! Is it a crowd of them? Surely not just her and him in a room together? Not sure I'd go for that TBH. That's not really helping is it and mine are far too young to even think about it yet but my nieces are 15 and 16 and I don't think it would be a yes vote from their parents. I think you are entitled to ask what you like about the arrangements and feel free to say no to any of them!

jampots · 27/12/2006 22:23

I would without a shadow of a doubt call the parents and thank them for having dd on NYE and say how much she's looking forward to it. Then find out who is going, boy/girls and what the sleeping arrangements are/ are the parents going to be home etc.

I am always shocked by dd's friends being able to sleep over without any communication between the parents and myself even the ones who dont even vaguely know who I am/where we live. One of her pals a couple of years ago stayed over but came with another friend. She had to give her mum the address the next morning to come and collect her!

dumplings · 27/12/2006 22:23

NO! God no, I can only imagine the trouble I would have got into if I had been allowed to do things like that.

Just cos they are good kids doesn't mean they don't have sex drives, and just because there are others in the room doesn't mean they won't do it anyway. There are such things as blankets.

They will get drunk, they will have sex. Maybe your daughter herself won't, but I would put £20 on someone there doing so.

The answer from me would be a resounding NO. And am not a fuddy, am only mid 20's.

wheresthehamster · 27/12/2006 22:24

I would probably feel the same, but as they have all grown up together why don't you phone some of the mums you do know, and see what the general feel is first?

A group of us mums with 11/12 year old dds do that and if it's something we all feel strongly about we present a united front and don't feel that only one of us is the party pooper.

Original poster
partypooper · 27/12/2006 22:27

no, not just her and him. She's a youngish 14, but very popular with her friends and they are actually a good group together. I'm not sure who's going, cos she did say that lots were not as their parents wanted them at home for nye celebrations, then she said they were all going to go after all as they felt they were letting the boy down. I will ask her all the questions I need, though will I get the answers I want?!!

I can't really call the parents, well I can but don't want to embarrass dd Should I say no just on the basis that it's mixed sex????... maybe that's the answer.

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Original poster
partypooper · 27/12/2006 22:30

I also have to think of protecting her don't I.... she's only 14 after all.....

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MerryBiglipsmas · 27/12/2006 22:31

blimey defo be a No as i wasnt allowed a mixed sleepover till i was 18!! as at that age yes of course its a exploring age with anything and everything

MerryBiglipsmas · 27/12/2006 22:32

recorrection - at 14 its a exploring age with everything as you be curious with things

Original poster
partypooper · 27/12/2006 22:39

god, mn is so useful. just reading your comments is really helpful. Really must find out more before I agree. Trouble is, only the other week, in a fit of trying to keep the whole family organised I told her to write down the things she had planned on the kitchen calendar. She now thinks once it's on the calendar it's written in stone.

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DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 27/12/2006 22:46

I would definitely find out more but don't jump to conclusions immediately!

Last NYE a colleague had a NYE party to which hid daughter (15) invited boys and girls to sleep over. Colleague allowed them each one alcopop for the evening and a glass of champagne at midnight. He made girls sleep in his dd's bedroom and boys in the living room. He slept on a camp bed on the landing !

They all had a great time!

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 27/12/2006 22:59

agree with deckThe Hills - don't jump to conclusions.

The question you should be asking yourself is do you trust her? do you trust the other kids? do you know the parents and are you sure they will look out for her? Yes kids do experiment but not all do. And if they're being supervised and there's a lot of them, then chances are they'll be fine.
I had a male friend whose house I stayed at from about the age of 15. My parents lived too far away for me to go home other than in the holidays so I regularly went to his house for weekends. When I was 16 we stayed close by during the holidays but my parents had to go home before the start of the school term so I stayed at his house and his parents drove us both back to school. Another friend (also a boy) stayed there as well. we were up all night and I ended up falling asleep on the bed between them - nothing happened, nor would it ever have done. I lost my virginity when I was 21 to my now dh. And the male friend in question is still a friend even though he lives in south Africa and we lost contact for 7 years when I left.

ParanoidSurreyHousewife · 27/12/2006 23:33

I think that you have too many unknowns here, especially if you don't know exactly who else may be there. Could be a get together of same class, or could have older ones there too. A couple of 16 yos could change the peer group dynamics significantly.

I'd take an "official" line. Strictly as she is under 16 then you need to be clear as to who the responsible adult is - and to ascertain that you need to talk to the parents, and ensure that they are happy wiith that responsibility. I'd almost treat as a bit of official paperwork, and talk about it in a very matter of fact way -after all until she is 16 you are responsible unless you have got someone else in your place (IIRC). So the issue becomes the fact that you don't know the parents rather than being about boys per se. It is an easier conversation, and it doesn't imply any trust issues - it is more about you covering your back in the event anything went horribly wrong. "Anything" can be left non-specific, but would of course include an accident happening to you or dh.

This would leave you with a rule that you have to have contact with the parents first which should at least ensure that you know the groundrules of future events.

louii · 27/12/2006 23:54

I would let her go, she has told you all about it, give her the benefit of the doubt and show her you trust her.

Better to have her telling you about her plans than lying to you or sneaking about.

jampots · 27/12/2006 23:59

im sorry but i cant see how you can worry about embarrassing yoru dd by calling the mum. Unless of course you really dont want her to go. I would have absolutely no hesitation whatsoever. Dd and her friends know I find everything out. Initially her one friend doubted my abilities and now they realise they just accept it. Obviously i dont police their activities - just my dd

FWIW I would let my dd go on the basis that I do trust her to not get smashed nor to take part in sex activities. However I would still call the parents regardless.

WeWishUAMerryXmasNANappyNewYr · 28/12/2006 00:22

i would go with the whole idea that no matter how much the boys parents try to ensure nothing unsuitable would happen - if they are that determined to they will and i wouldn't stop my daughter going cos at the end of the day you can't lock them up can you!

whensantagotstuckupAITCHimney · 28/12/2006 00:39

if you decide to let her go then i would go with my mum's rather clever advice. she used to say 'be a devout coward, don't be a hero. if people are drinking, drink half as much as them. sip, don't slug.' such good thinking, totally accepting that at that age you want to be part of the crowd but acknowledging that things can get a bit scary.

she used to advise drinking wine watered down, or vodka with phenomenal amounts of orange juice etc. 'don't try to be the coolest, just keep your head above water', it's the way to go at 14 i reckon. i never got into any trouble, although the bad news is that my mum had to field a few calls from me while i looked after drunken pals. we had quite a few waifs and strays staying at our house during my teenage years .

Original poster
partypooper · 28/12/2006 12:14

thanks for all your comments - you've really helped to clear my head... I want to find some balance between protecting her and also allowing her enough independence to grow. That's what so difficult isn't it?

Thinking back on my own teeneage years I think that my mum managed to hit that balance, and in the end I was more "sensible" (slightly!)in the face of sex, booze and dodgy company than another of my friends whose mum was constantly fussing over her.

Your comments have been truly useful.

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princessJINGLEmelS · 28/12/2006 12:26

Hi,

Have you decided what to do yet?

I think you should definitly ring the parents and some of the other childrens parents. Do you know the boy well?

I think if you trust the children and adults who are going to be there, your dd included, then you should let her go.

I think I would be nervous when the time comes for my dd to do things like this. But I remember when I was 14 and I wasn't so bad. We (I'm a twin) used to sleep over at our friends and spend ages doing our make up then sneak out of the house at 3am to meet boys in the park ( over the road). Nothing ever happened apart from drinking Panda shandy!! My twin is actually engaged to one of them now.

Go with your gut feelings though.

Blondilocks · 28/12/2006 12:35

From my experience alchohol at under 18 events in people's houses seems to be pretty policed & rationed - e.g. a couple of alcopops or a mildy alcoholic punch & then nothing else.

I'd def phone the parents if you were unsure or want to know things.

To be honest if 14 yr olds are going to "misbehave" (sorry couldn't think of a better way to put it) then they will do it whatever the situation & more likely when they are sneaking about or when you haven't been told. I've been to several 18+ parties with lots of drunken males & females where no sexual activity has gone on.

At least your daughter has said that there are going to be boys there.

Original poster
partypooper · 28/12/2006 12:41

exactly -I don't think she thinks there's anything dodgy about this party...she's not hiding anything... and that's why I don't want to be the complete partypoop..otherwise in future she might just lie about things!

We used to sneak out at night too... just for the sheer fun of it. DD's out now, will ask her later who's going for certain and ring one or two of the mums... don't know the parents of the kid at all.

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Blondilocks · 28/12/2006 12:43

I suppose you could ring them & thank them for the invitation, enquire if she needs to bring anything like snacks with her for the party & then just drop in other questions!

mumeeee · 29/12/2006 23:46

I don't think your stupid asking these questions. I personnly would not let my 14 year old sllepover at a boys house especialy if you don't know the parents.
I have always insisted that my girls couldn't sleepover even at a girls house if I hadn't at least spoken to the parents. DD2 is now 17 and She is allowed to sleepover at friends houses without me knowing the parents but I like to know where she is. She wouldn't be allowed to go to mixed sleepovers.
Would it be possible for your DD to go to the party but not sleepover?

Original poster
partypooper · 01/01/2007 11:12

well, I did call the mum like you all suggested to touch base (the parents were going to be there all night, making dinner for the kids etc),

.. but in the end dh felt he was happpier with her not staying the night. So we collected her at 12.45!! DD was quite cool about the whole thing (apart from an initial grumble) and I think that at 1 in the morning she was secretly quite glad to be climbing into her own bed. There had been only 2 girls at the party... and 8 boys... and lots of Playstation!!

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Original poster
partypooper · 01/01/2007 11:13

...and happy New Year everyone!!!

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mumeeee · 01/01/2007 17:13

I'm glad it all worked out all right. Didshe have a good time? Happy New Year

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