17 year old daughter with online boyfriend.

[dechecho]

I've just discovered that my daughter who has just turned 17 has an "online boyfriend" who she spends an awful lot of time texting him, facetiming etc.

It came to light because we saw a phone number that we didn't recognise coming up a lot on her itemised phone bill (we pay for the phone contract). My husband (who is very protective) phoned the number and asked who it was. The guy wouldn't say but my husband panicked because he thought it sounded like a much older man, not a teenager.

The reason we are worried is that when she was 14 we discovered she had been "sexting" very explicitly with an older American teenager and maybe other guys as well. At that time we took steps to steps to stop it, but when she was 16 we decided we could trust her and let her have an iphone.

We've told my daughter what we've discovered and she promises that the guy is only 16 and that she isn't doing anything wrong. However my husband at the moment is very angry with her and has taken away her phone and ipad.

I don't really know how to move forward from here and would love to hear people's opinions.

Should we just accept that as she is 17 now it's up to her who she talks to and what they talk about? It just seems weird to us, I wish she would get a "real" boyfriend (as far as I know she has never had one despite being attractive).

I'm also worried that it's affecting her A level studies, her grades so far aren't as good as they were when she was doing GCSEs, and she rarely does any homework in the evenings.

Lastly, when I asked her what the guy's name was, she didn't want to say at first but she did eventually and it was obviously an Asian Muslim name. Please don't think I'm a racist or a bigot but I live in a rural part of the country which is 99% white and all I really know about Muslims is what I see on the news, which is usually bad. It makes the whole thing seem even stranger as they're two people who would probably have nothing to do with each other in real life. Would a Muslim boy ever date a non-Muslim? Or have I got that wrong?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Yes the issue here is (or should have been) online safety. I would be extremely concerned if my dd was having a 'relationship' with a stranger online. His 'foreign sounding' name - fairly likely to be false anyway - would be the least of my worries. At the school I teach at 80% of students have 'foreign' names but the vast majority of these are still born and bred Londoners.

It is quite simple really. Due to her previous experiences with young men and the internet, you are right to be very concerned. Thank goodness you are. Simply tell her that you would like to be present when she next Facetimes this lad. See him for yourself.

You are right to be cautious. The news and press are littered with individuals and groups of men from all different backgrounds grooming girls/boys and young women/men. Whether it be online, over the phone or face to face, young people are being manipulated in all sorts if ways. Just look at the Breck Bednar case.

She may well be 17, almost an adult etc etc. But she sounds somewhat vulnerable and a bit naive to me. Keep a very, very close eye on this one.

I think the key thing is that OP doesn't trust her DD's judgement online. I would hope that whether or not her BF is Muslim would be irrelevant

I would take the technology away. I wouldn't trust my dd talking to no man she didn't know on the internet. She must respect that too you are only looking out for her. X

I agree with this totally!

Lol sorry the agree with this totally , that was to the persons post before mine but didn't tag on

I can totally understand your daughter hiding who she was dating if you are a bit unknowingly racist.

Just make sure she knows how to be safe and leave her to it

I would hope my dcs wouldn't date anyone I hadn't met. How does that work with an online relationship?
I suspect these escalate to sexual content very quickly. If she used her tech in communal areas only that would help. Though it was when she was 14 that the real changes were needed.

I'm wondering why she's not going out with anyone frim her home town, OP? At 17, she should be out and about with friends, meeting guys that way, or dating schoolmates, not holed up in her bedroom talking to strangers hundreds of miles away. I'd encourage her to get out more, make it clear that boyfriends are welcome visitors to your home, and tell your "protective" husband to quit the "no one's touching my little princess" nonsense and be friendly to them. If he stifles her, she'll rebel via unsuitable relationships in a few months' time when she turns 18 and can do as she wishes.

I made an account just to contribute in this discussion.

Let me show you another point of view.
I'm Alice, I'm 17 years old. I live in Poland, you might not know it but Poland is pretty much one-nation type of country. I met my boyfriend online, on Sept 1st 2014 - nearly 1,5 year ago. He's Indian and he's soon to be 22 years old. We live 5508 kms apart (3423 miles). Pretty far, I admit. There's also quite big age gap - 4,5 year is still considered quite much at my age. Plus of course religion background - he's Hindu, my whole family is Christian.
For past 1,5 year I am hinting my parents that I have a boyfriend. Nope, I haven't had a talk with them like "mom, dad, I have a boyfriend". They've told me I can date someone, they don't seem to have any objections with me being in a relationship but they're kind of racists. Not that they hate foreigners, but just like you said, the image of Muslims (and sadly Hindus too) isn't really good. So yes, he's sent me multiple letters, cards, gifts, he sent my parents and sister Christmas cards, conveyed them birthday wishes, he even calls my mom "mom" while chatting with her on Facebook. I am pretty sure they already figured out what's going on but we never made it official.
Responses of people here made me quite sad. The fact that your daughter met her boyfriend online doesn't make him less valuable than any boy whom she could meet at school, party, anywhere. Calling her relationship, any online relationship actually, "a relationship" with quotations full of sarcasm isn't a nice thing either. I was, and still am, so afraid that my parents won't agree on my relationship and cut my internet off and not allow me talk to him, that it stops me from telling them. I skype my boyfriend basically everyday, on holidays we used to spend long hours on Skype, he has introduced me to his whole extended family and friends, I have introduced him to some of my friends too but I'm unable to break the barrier with my parents. And from what I've read here, a lot of moms make my concerns look reasonable.
This summer I'll probably get to see my boy. It will be the best week of my life so far but before that, I need to tell my parents. I really hope they'll accept him and won't mind his skin color, his religion, age. The feelings - that's what's important in love.
I hope you won't forbid your daughter talking to this boy. Try to understand her, Skype/FaceTime him by her side, try to get to know him and show your daughter that you are doing your best to accept her boyfriend - that's what I'd want my mom to do :)

Have a nice day!

Sadly dodo the problem is not that you have an online boyfriend.... it is that you have absolutely no idea who he is or how old he is. While it is perfectly acceptable IF IT IS TRUE there are many people out there who are not who they purport to be. In fact I would say the vast majority are not who they say they are.

My DH has just been duped by someone online, he was owed some money and was contacted by the persons brother and his secretary telling him the person was seriously ill and could not pay the debt as he had had a mental breakdown and had been sectioned. My DH has spent 8 or 9 months in correspondence with these two people only to find out that they didn't exist and was simply the debtor trying to get out of paying

This person successfully convinced a fairly savvy 40 year old that he was three separate people, two male, one older , one younger and one young female.

Why is it so awful that she's met someone online?
People date online. How old do you have to be to use Tinder?
18? That's not so far off.

She hasn't just met him online, the entire relationship is being conducted online.

if you meet someone you do it in a public place, check out who they are, take precautions.

They still might be not who they seem.

However not meeting them - you just have no idea of age, sex..... hence my story of the 40 something male debtor who had successfully persuaded my DH that he was his 20 something female secretary and also his 60 something older brother.