Feeling sad for DD, and cross at her 'friends'

[PingPongBat]

Sorry but I need to rant...

DD (14) was invited to a birthday party but didn't want to go. She's been feeling down recently, saying she feels sad and doesn't know why. There were some other girls invited who she didn't know very well and didn't feel comfortable with, so she felt a bit worried about going and decided not to. She asked me to tell her friend's mother she couldn't go without saying why, which I did. She didn't tell the birthday friend why either, as she was worried that the reason would be spread about, she would be misunderstood and the other girls would think that she didn't like them or was just snubbing them by not going.

During the party, one of the girls there started messaging DD asking her why she didn't go, saying that birthday friend was upset about it (no word at all from birthday friend). There then follows a barrage of messages from 3 of these girls, some using another girl's account, so DD was confused about who she was getting messages from. DD still didn't want to say why she wasn't there, and asked why wasn't birthday friend asking, rather than this other girl. DD did say she was out for a walk with a friend. In retrospect this turned out to be a bad idea as she was then accused of 'dumping' birthday girl for the other girl she was out with.

DD got really upset, crying, and asked them to stop asking her about it as she was upset, but was told it was 'just a bit of banter', they 'didn't want to start something' they 'just wanted to get to the bottom of it'. Still nothing from birthday friend.

The messaging went on for hours & now DD, having had a better week generally and lovely afternoon walk with her friend, is massively upset and says she will have to walk to school by herself tomorrow as she normally walks with birthday girl & the girl that started all the messaging.

I've done what I can - hugged her, listened, tried to give gentle advice & reassurance and I think she may finally be asleep. I think she should probably have said why she didn't want to go in the first place, but it looks like she couldn't win either way. Damned if she did, damned if she didn't.

Grrrr. I just want to protect her from all the social pressure and stupid 'banter' out there (whereas DH has gone all Neanderthal and wants to go round and slap one of them...)

Maybe she should of been honest with the birthday girl? Or just of turned up for a little bit? It is ridiculous that the other girls are ganging up on her though.

I agree she should have told birthday girl, I warned DD this could cause problems, and I can see that birthday girl would be upset too.

I'm just sad for DD that she has been harangued for hours on Snapchat as a result. Hopefully she will tell birthday girl the reason tomorrow. But sadly I doubt it as she is feeling very unsure of herself these days.

It would have been better to tell the birthday girl what was happening, or if she didn't want to tell her the real reason, perhaps say that she had gastro. That would have prevented all the questions.

Unfortunately, it does look like she dumped the party for her other friend, and as a teen, that is seen as a cardinal sin!!

I also think it would be a good idea to tell your daughter to stop responding to messages of "banter" because I think posting back & forth just escalates things.

It's up to your DD where she goes and who with.
I wouldn't encourage her to be more apologetic, or give reasons, just bright and breezy sorry she couldn't make it.
Try to catch up with b day girl early / 1-2-1, and can shut others down later with 'we've sorted it thanks'

Feel for you, we go through all this too. Try not to give anything away. Sounds like they are mean rather than genuine concern about why DD wasn't there.

Friend that's a good plan. As adults we may feel confident about saying no to an invitation, but it's so fraught with social dangers at DD's age.

DD can be a bit of a closed book sometimes. After talking about it for about 15 mins earlier she said 'can you leave me alone now I don't want to talk about it any more'. And that was it, no more discussion. Not sure whether I will be able to talk to her about it before school though, she's usually pretty grumpy first thing!

tough did your DD's guests then go on pester her friend on snapchat?

Looking at the full picture, there were girls going she was not comfortable with etc. Who then went on to pester her all evening.

My feeling is, this was not concern or disappointment, But either intentional or at the very least unintentional meanness.

Tough yes I suggested to DD that she explain that it was her own feelings and worries that made her decline the invite, and that she is feeling unsure about being with lots of people she doesn't know too well, and not because she doesn't like birthday girl. They've known each other for 10 years and most of the time they've got on well. It would be a shame for this to spoil their friendship.

While the situation sounds a bit like teenage girls getting all over dramatic, your DD needs to learn that if she gets upset by e.g. messages on social media, then she needs to switch off and walk away. She doesn't have to stay logged in and take it. If she was really upset, she could have handed you her phone, showed you the messages and asked for your help.

Also, if she doesn't want to go to a party, then feigning illness is a better way of getting out of it than not giving any reason!

There's definitely social immaturity on both sides here. But I do think the hours of messaging was OTT, and I suspect some 'getting back at' DD by the other girls for upsetting birthday girl.

It's the constantly being 'on' with social media, the incessant nature of it that worries me.

X-post with noble - yes walking away digitally is one answer, but she won't. The messages are there when she goes back anyway.

Thanks tough

Of course, helpful to have alternative angles and viewpoints to help OP with guiding her DD.
I don't think it will be helpful for DD to humble herself to anyone other than the inviter.

My DD has replied 'I'm going now' on snapchat and then ignored.
Later or next day we have navigated messages together.

So her not liking the other girls is really a judgement call on their behaviour towards her, which was spot on really, wasn't it!

But still no reason to seemingly dump her friend. Can she imagine what it would be like if her friend did that to her, with no explanation.

yes walking away digitally is one answer, but she won't. The messages are there when she goes back anyway Then perhaps she isn't old enough to have access to these apps?

different I do think she's old enough, she's just learning to navigate her way through these minefields. Generally she does OK, it's been a steep learning curve with friendships this year as she moved school (3 tier system here) with lots of new people to get to know, some of them lovely, some not so lovely.

It's such a difficult line to tread, they all use social media to keep in touch and not 'miss out' on.... whatever it is they might miss out on. But then they can be subjected to a torrent of unpleasant messages, or just end up having massive misunderstandings & falling out over nothing

Anyway, she seems to have 'sorted' things with all but one of girls - the one who was the main instigator of the messages. The one that she wasn't sure about... She said to me at breakfast that the girl concerned 'just doesn't know me very well mum'. I thought that was quite a generous description. Birthday girl turned up to walk with DD to school all smiles and DD's given her her present, and DD says she will walk with another group when the messages girl joins them half way to school.

I'm just so relieved, it's hard not to live through all this rubbish with them. My upbringing & school life was so, so different to hers, sometimes I find it really hard to understand & relate to her social life. I just know that I want her to be happy

Fair enough, you know her best, of course

perhaps a lesson in knowing when to stop responding & giving her the confidence to know that she is allowed to just stop the convo when she wants.

Sadly the saga hasn't ended as DD has been receiving comments all day at at school like "I thought they roasted you like a chicken dinner" (what?? ) and "don't you and her have a beef so why are you talking to her?" etc, from girls who weren't even at the party! This is down to one particular girl who was at the party, who has taken it upon herself to tell everyone about what happened. She has a track record of spreading every bit of gossip she can & DD knows not to tell her anything she doesn't want spread about, so in a way DD could see this coming. Still horrible though, when comments are made in front of a whole class.

I still can't get DD to tell birthday girl why she didn't go. But in a way now I see why she doesn't want to tell anyone - the level of trust out there is pretty much zero.

At least birthday girl has told DD in person that she wasn't upset at DD not going along, or for going for a walk with her other friend, and told DD not to worry about it.

And DD does have some very nice friends who she can trust, who are in a completely different friendship group.

I cannot wait for the teenage years to be over, tbh.

Hi OP,

Sounds like birthday girl is a good 'un in all this! Have just had a similar sort of thing with my DD, also 14. In her case, she committed the sin of going shopping at the weekend with a friend who is not one of her "group" but part of another "group". She and her friend accept that the two groups don't get on, but they do. DDs closest friend from her group was apparently hugely offended that DD was out with another friend WITHOUT INVITING HER!! Others in the group felt they had to comment on how nasty and spiteful DD was to do such a terrible thing. Despite DD's reassurances to all that she has no problem with any of them, and wants to be friends with all, understands that they don't get on with other friend and she doesn't expect them to etc etc.... one in particular has been ignoring/sidelining DD ever since.

I'm sure it will be forgotten/they will all be distracted by the next "beef" before long, but it is so horrible for our DD's while it is happening. It's also quite informative for them - helps them sort out the real friends from the acquaintances!

Please have some for you and a for your DD (who sounds lovely , by the way). Hope she's feeling a bit better in herself now.

Blimey petal that sounds awful. (And familiar.) Your poor DD, being pulled in two directions while trying to get on with everyone

thank you for posting, & particularly for the