Rebelling

[ani1]

I have a teenage daughter who is 13. She has decided to stop being friendly with the nice girls at school and has befriended some unsavoury characters outside school. I secretly read her what's app messages and see chat about getting drunk and getting belly piercings. I just discovered that she is planning to sneak out on Saturday and is going to pretend she is at someone's house so she can go and get her piercing done and stay over night at a friends house but will trick me and tell me it's a friend I approve of. If she does sleeps at a friend, I usually like to check it's ok with the mum- I discovered in an app discussion that she is going to get a 'friend' to pretend she is that mum

I am so sad and disappointed and keep telling her she is not 16 yet
Am desperate to know what to do

Well you are already one step ahead of her which in my books is great. dont confront her about what you read in the texts, kids talk a big game. How about arranging a family meal this Saturday to scupper her plans?? She will never know you read the messages either and don't let her know or she will find more sneaky ways to plot things behind your back.

Poor you. Been there! Can't remember what age they allow a belly piercing, so she may not get away with it? Unless she's doing her own My DD pierced her own ears as well as all her friends at about 13, several times. I wasn't popular with the mothers. She also got rip roaringly drunk at 14, but never again (or not to such a bad extent). I agree don't let on about reading the texts. Also agree they talk a big game and it always looks worse in print. I read my DDs at age 14, texts between her and her bf planning sex after seeing each other for three months. At the time I was distraught, but consulted a friend in a similar situation, read a lot of threads on here and calmed down. Initiated a talk with her about sex and bf etc. She opened up, waited till she was 15 (a matter of weeks and still not desirable), and I went with her to get the pill. That's probably not what you want to hear but the point is I didn't let in about reading them but I'm very glad I did. Be careful with it though, I got a bit obsessed with reading them and it's snooping at the end of the day. It's hard coz you want to keep them out of trouble and in my case I'm glad I found out, but a lot of the time she wasn't up to anything and I shouldn't have read them. Must be my mothers influence who shamelessly read mine and my sisters diaries for years!
I think the post about planning something to scupper her plans is a great one. And keep talking - chats about piercings and drinking! Good luck!

I think you should pretend to approve of her new friends - or at least not to actively disapprove IYSWIM.

Also pretend that you generally trust her and let her know that you're glad she has lots of friends and has fun. IYSWIM. That way she's less likely to do stuff for the sake of rebelling against you or because she's in a hurry to seem grown up and more likely to do things just because she enjoys them.

Make sure she knows you love her and approve of her just for being her (even though your nerves are in tatters) and compliment her briefly for anything you can think of. In other words, try to boost her self-esteem as low self-esteem is at the root of many harmful behaviours.

Also tell her that your only concern for her is that she is safe and happy in herself and that you will rescue her with no questions asked if she's ever in a situation she wants out of quickly. Agree a codeword she could use to save face if need be.

Apologies if you do all this already. It's always my advice as I think there are probably lots of teens who feel their parents disapprove of them or are only interested in them if they're 'behaving the way their parents want them to' - teenage brain etc

In this particular situation could you pre-empt her with some cunning of your own by pretending that you've been in contact with the approved friend's mum, who happened to mention that she's going out on Saturday but she'd love to have your DD/you round another day soon?

And take up the other posters suggestions of providing a tempting - or compulsory alternative?

Encourage the new friends round too so your home is a welcoming place for your dd and her friends.

Someone's on mummy's Mumsnet account. Grow up little 'un.