Lost it with early teen dd: I snapped & said some ugly things. HELP!

[teritobin]

Hi, I'm new, not sure I am in right place - I would like some responses/advice.

I'm 42 and have one child, a daughter, soon to turn 13.

My daughter and I have always had a close and loving relationship, despite incredibly difficult circumstances including domestic violence from her dad, a brief stay in a mental hospital for me due to acute stress reaction (i.e., 'nervous breakdown'), and, following that, eight years of custody dispute and counting, plus my mother's suicide a couple of years ago.

Currently my daughter spends only 5 days each fortnight with me. Up until very recently she wanted to have at least equal time with me, possibly even my reinstatement as her 'primary carer'. But over the last couple of months she has been treating me horribly. I feel bad saying this about a little girl not quite 13, but there's no getting around it. She is frequently abusive verbally, says things she knows will hurt me dreadfully, and many times has come very very close to actually hitting me.

The aftermath is even worse in a way: she weeps hysterically, begs my forgiveness, tells me she loves me, insists she is a 'horrible person'. This apology phase can go on for hours until she is reassured that I will always forgive her, that I don't hate her and never will etc.

One of the worst aspects of the problem is that all of this behaviour closely resembles the abuse I used to get from her father, and makes me feel not only hurt but really ANGRY. I never thought I would be capable of feeling so angry towards any child, let alone my own.

Most of the time I keep my hair on, but lately I've been rising to her bait more and more often and I despise myself for it afterwards. The last fight we had was awful. I can't even remember what got us started, but it was the usual sort of thing at first: she hates me, I'm a loser, an embarrassment, an idiot, a failure. She loves her Dad and stepmother more than me and they are quite right to despise me. Etc. We were in the car and I couldn't take it any more. I pulled over and told her that her father and stepmother ought to be ashamed of themselves for many reasons, but in particular, that in my view they were in part to blame for my mother's suicide.

The thing is: my daughter didn't know her Granny was a suicide until this outburst. I always told her that Granny had died of natural causes. I'd intended to explain about the suicide when my daughter was 16. But in this great wave of rage against all the pain I've experienced, firstly from her father, and now from her, I suddenly couldn't stop myself. I'm not even sure why I snapped like this. Was it just to shut her up? To hurt her? Or was there a better but misguided reason beyond this? in the sense that For so many times I have wished I could make her understand why it's been so hard to get over Granny; why sometimes things are so hard for me; why I am on anti-depressants ... in other words, so many times I've wished she could know of my grief and give me a bit of a break with the verbals, the nit-picking, the shows of contempt ...

After this fight, for the first time ever my daughter went back to her Dad's before the appointed time.

I love her desperately. I cried for about an hour yesterday, just sobbing out the words sorry sorry sorry, feeling dreadful. Then feeling guilty too because I was actually relieved she had gone away.

I repeat: I love her so much. I just want her to be happy. But I'm also scared of her power to hurt me and thus, yes, it is a relief to be here on my own at home.

But how much have I hurt her?

teritobin, I know it's near the anniversary of your mum's death so I guess this is a really difficult week for you. Hope you're managing to think of some nice memories of your mum. Be kind to yourself this week.

hi peebles and special report:
thanks for your interest.
I haven't been able to speak with dd still: she is coming this Friday.
Why is she allowed to be with her Dad more than me? A long, long story, but briefly summed up: in 2009 I had this Acute Stress Reaction thing. I was only in hospital for a week, but that was all it took: DD's dad got 'interim' custody. I didn't even see her again for 3 months! My own baby, who was then only just turned 6 and had never spent more than one night away from me!
Another thing: my dd has told me lots of worrying stuff, only a little bit of which I've reported to the family court, because DD made me promise I wouldn't tell other people. You are probably thinking: this woman SHOULD tell other people. But it is not as simple as that. If I told all to the family court, and they decided I should have primary custody or more custody, this wouldn't be implemented for months, possibly a year. It is SLOW. It took me a whole year after the Acute Stress business to convince the court that my daughter should be allowed to spend nights with me again. And in the meantime, it's likely her father, who would still have majority custody, would become even worse with her. Also, despite everything, dd says she does love her father and would be very sad if she couldn't see him. I know none of this makes the situation okay, but it's a blind alley - I can't see my way out of it.

And now I've messed up myself in a pretty big way (when I precipitously told dd about my mother being a suicide). I don't know what the best thing is to do or say when I see DD. I welcome any ideas anyone might have about how I can show she can trust me again. I've already made a short -list - like I said, suggestions are welcome.

1. if dd wants to discuss our fight or Granny's death, she can, but I'm not going to make her discuss it.
2. I have no control over how my daughter will be mood-wise when she arrive, so I've decided to have low expectations and make the first concern seeing that she is extra-comfortable, will get her fave dinner (takeaway Rogan Josh curry!) and line some of her favourite DVDS to watch.
3. During the day, we'll go somewhere 'rural', like a forrest, and have a picnic and walk.
4. I will not cry in front of her.
5. I absolutely will not shout.
6. I will try to keep a sense of humour.

Any other thoughts?

She is frequently abusive verbally, says things she knows will hurt me dreadfully, and many times has come very very close to actually hitting me ... The aftermath is even worse in a way: she weeps hysterically, begs my forgiveness, tells me she loves me, insists she is a 'horrible person'. This apology phase can go on for hours until she is reassured that I will always forgive her, that I don't hate her and never will etc ... One of the worst aspects of the problem is that all of this behaviour closely resembles the abuse I used to get from her father

Sadly, it would appear that she has learnt from her father how to control you & get you to make prolonged promises of constant forgiveness. She also has you thinking that she is the victim in all this. And that while yes, she is to an extent, especially if her father is how you say he is, but you are doing no favours for yourself here by only concentrating on your guilt.

You were pushed to say a horrible thing & now you think that this is all on you.

I don't say this lightly of a 12yr old, op. But you are being abused. Again.

I am surprised that no one has seemed to pick up on it yet. The cycle is there. The abuse, hitting out verbally, coming close to hitting you, the apologies, the crying.

Is she getting any type of help with her abusive & violent outburst?

Your checklist op...have a think for a minute. If a friend told you that she did that when expecting her dh home, or her partner to come over, what would you say?

To me, that checklist is all about keeping our dd happy.
1] - fine. be open. Discuss.
2] - you are giving her total control & falling over yourself to do what she wants, treating her, spoiling her (all normal usually) but this is at your expense - making everything perfect for her, so she doesn't kick off
3] - sounds nice
4] - you will shut off your needs & emotions
5] - you will be passive
6] - you will try to keep the mood light so she doesn't kick off.

My assessment of your checklist - you are scared of her & walking on egg shells.

Could you and your daughter get some family therapy? There is so much going on here.

Daughter probably has some attachment issues as she was removed from your care, she is being badly treated by your ex, you are struggling, she is acting out with you, plus the usual teen stuff. Such a lot to cope with. Not sure I could manage this on my own.

Good luck OP.

BTW don't agree with PP that this is simply a child 'abusing' their parent. This is a child we are talking about whose own needs require addressing too. It is harsh to describe OP's dd in these terms. Children who come from homes where DV has been present, may copy, may act out BUT they aren't 'abusers' themselves.

but I doubt that at 13 your dd knows that she is doing it. Good point that I overlooked. I was not meaning to lump the dd in with adult abusers, I didn't mean to make it sound like she is doing it on purpose, as a controlling abusive adult would.

I also think that she doesn't even know she is doing it. But is acting out what she has witnessed/been subjected to.

I did ask if she was getting help, because I think she needs it.

I've got a 12 year old dd. they're very immature emotionally at this age. She's going to challenge you a lot, even more so because you've let her down. Not deliberately, but you haven't been there for her in lots of ways. A few days over a fortnight is nothing, she's probably hurting that she doesn't have you around and you have all these issues she doesn't understand yet. She's been through a lot. She's goading you to test you and see if the love between you is strong enough and whether you care about her more than whatever it is you're going through. My dd is challenging and rude without these complications. You need to try and control your emotions around your dd, she needs support and understanding no matter how awful she's being. You got a few years to salvage the relationship before she stops trying and turns to other things. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's not too late. She loves you or she wouldn't challenge you so much, she needs you and you nee her. Try not to put adult problems on her shoulders and retract the statement about granny's death. Good luck

Hugs and for you today, Teritobin. xx

Hey thanks everyone for such excellent advice - and especially to peebles for noting that the anniversary of Mum's death was on 25 January this year.

Re could dd be 'abusing' me - yes, she is, in a way, but she's hurting, she speaks impulsively, as do I sometimes - suddenly losing my temper and telling her that her granny was a suicide being a case in point. In that particular quarrel, I definitely see my dd as the victim. I was wrong, completely wrong. Btw I did send a letter of apology to her (care of Dad's place, he probably read it before she did ...). Anyway, it wasn't a long letter, I just said I was really, really sorry, that I wished so much I could take those words back but since I can't, that I hoped she would forgive me. In the post office I saw a cute sign that proclaimed: 'Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end!' - so I put that in as a PS!:)
The lady who posted that she has to be 'the good girl' all the time at her Dad's was right on the ball. It's creepy when she is staying with me and her father rings to speak with her. Her entire voice, demeanour, choice of language - her whole personality automatically becomes that of the 'perfect' teen. Very polite. Always interested. Says thanks thanks thanks and 'that's great!' every five seconds.

My phone calls with her, on the hand ... well I am lucky if they last for longer than 10 seconds. She often affects this bored voice (exactly like her Dad's 'bored voice'). And some of the weird things she says she could only be saying because her Dad's there listening.

Eg, yesterday I finally did get to talk to dd for a while, but only because I meant to ring her Dad but dd answered the phone because they were in the car. I said to DD never mind, I'll ring him later, and she's like: 'I can pass a message on' so I said, 'well, all it is could you please tell him I've emailed him and could he please check his email.' Then she says: 'what's the email about?' I said, 'don't worry,' but she would not be put off. And I was so pleased to be having a nice conversation with her that I decided on the spur of the moment to pretend the email was about some inconsequential thing. So I said, 'well, I was wondering if Dad would be able to bring back some of my books he's still got.' And then her whole tone changes and she suddenly says in this hyper-adult, Dr Phil-type voice: ''I don't think this is the appropriate time or place for us to be having this conversation." (about a few books?!?!)

God knows what her father thought we were talking about!

It has a funny side. Occasionally.