Am I worrying too much?

[Iamabuyingbootsaddict]

I have a lovely DS aged 14. He is grown up for his age and we are very close. He is doing well at school after having a couple of terms where he lost motivation and had a few detentions. Now he is back on track and is getting excellent marks in course work and attitude.

My main concern is that he just doesn't go out. He is a gamer and has taught himself programming to the extent that he is now receiving an income from selling gaming scripts on line. Through this he has upgraded his computer, bought us Xmas presents and insists on paying for himself if we go out for a meal with his stepdad and stepbrother because he says it will help us out.

He doesn't ask for anything at all and insists that he is a happy being here with us and not going out but I feel he is too insular. He tells me that he feels awkward about his spots, glasses and braces but recognises that it won't last forever.

He spends too much time on the computer and this is more difficult during the holidays. At least the school routine means that he goes to bed at a decent time and he is at school and off the computer during the day.

In the summer hols we did something just the two of us but mostly they were outdoor activities (kayaking, organised tree climb [terrifying for me, he loved it]. He gets on well with his step dad who has offered to take him to play sports but he politely declines. His own dad is pretty useless at doing anything with him other than watch TV when he sees him once a week. I want to do more with him but just don't know what to suggest. He would hate to be seen having coffee with me in town and I totally get that. i just keep wondering whether I should force him off the computer more and if I'm being too passive about it all. I just want him to be happy. We have rarely argued but he is difficult to talk to about how long he spends online and this reaction worries me greatly.. Anyone had a similar situation and was there anything you did to change things? Thanks.

You are worrying too much. It sounds like he is well balanced and knows what he likes and what he is good at. Let him carry on and let him know how proud you are of him.

Thank you... I tell him all the time how proud I am of him. it's just so hard to compete with technology and I realise I'm not alone and that it is the bane of so many parents' lives. I just worry that he isn't getting enough fresh air and movement. When he was little we were never out of the park even in the winter. He would happily play in the sandpit for ages on a freezing day while I sat watching and holding my book wearing woolly gloves. It seemed much easier then in some ways!!

He sounds lovely! I wouldn't worry. Would he go to a football match with his stepdad or mates if you organised it?

I've got two the same. They have friends at school but don't socialise outside - sometimes play on-line with friends. Eldest would go swimming but younger wont go and he doesn't know anyone else who likes the pool. Luckily I have two so I kick them out for an hour most days on their scooter but they mainly just go up to the shop - buy juice and crisps and eat it in the park and come home... That's really the extent of the fresh air and excercise!

I'm sure they will all snap out of it eventually, at least you know where he is :)

I had one like this from about 12 to 20 odd. Now, at 21, he's just got himself a bar job! I stopped worrying when we went to the pub on a rare evening out with friends and DS (then about 16) was friendly, chatty and appeared relaxed. It was clear that although he was naturally shy he did have social skills when he needed them. What is he like when he's around familiar adults? If he's reasonably confident and relaxed then I don't think you've got too much to worry about.

That sounds good Clare :)

My DS1 doesn't have any social skills even with just us. We've been told he is probably borderline aspergers and sometimes I think he really is and others I just don't know - he is currently probably the worst he has ever been as far as I can see but when he is on-line I can hear him chatting and laughing away so I am not sure how much of it is just "teenager". He never initiates conversation and avoids speaking to anyone if possible. However when I've been dropping him at school, guys do shout over to him and try to catch up with him but he barely looks at them - I have no idea why they persevere with him though, so he must be offering them some feedback as he has maintained the same few friends for a few years. I find myself getting fed up trying to have a conversation with him as you just get a "yes" "no" or more likely "don't know" "cant remember"

Thanks for the replies, which have been very reassuring. I think from my own experience it's easy to jump the gun a bit and think all the one word answers and lack of eye contact is more than just normal teenage stuff. I try to see it through his eyes in that they may look very physically grown up but in their understanding of the wider world they are still just babies really. if my DS is in a certain mood where he is feeling very unsociable and not jovial at all (which is probably all down to hormones, pre GCSE pressure at school to keep doing well and just being a teenager with that weird stuff happening to their brains at the moment) it is quite easy to feel that he has no social skills at all. Then on another day when he isn't in that mood he seems fine. Luckily he is still extremely affectionationate, so I'm trying to enjoy that while it lasts. He isn't into any sports at all, he is just not wired that way at all. His step dad takes him and his step brother go karting quite often and he seems to enjoy that. You are right, I should be glad that I know where he is and I am. I know it won't be long before I'm worrying about that next!! Thanks again.

If he is earning from writing scripts he will be spending more time on the computer.

My DS (17) does not go out much (hardly ever). Has friends at college and has a part time job. He spend a lot of time on Xbox. I know where he is and he is not getting drunk or taking drugs. His college work is excellent too.

If he is happy I wouldn't worry. He sounds lovely and very considerate.

Bill Gates used to spend too much time on his computer.

Sounds like you've got a future professional techy on your hands, and you should be pleased that he is busy honing his craft!

He sounds great.

Thanks for the positive comments and rookiemere your comment really made me laugh, his stepdad calls him Bill Gates funnily enough 😀. By way of an update DS took delivery of his (late) Xmas present on Monday which was a Segway/hover board thingy. His step brother also has one and we haven't ever seen my DS this much!! They've been gliding around our (small) living room together (reminding me of ice dancers) and exchanging brotherly banter and even taking part in a bit of play wrestling tonight. Hopefully at the weekend if it's dry we'll be able to find somewhere they can ride their segways (legally) outside. Hopefully they'll let me have a go on the Segway as well.