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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Absent Son

12 replies

Dearsonta · 19/12/2015 23:27

This is really hard for me right now. My 19 year old son has not been in touch for over a month now. He left his job, went on the dole, set up home with his girlfriend and, for the last month or so, has not answered messages from me, my DH or his DS.

It's coming up to Christmas and it looks like we'll not hear from him beforehand. This will be the first time ever that I 've not seen him for Christmas and it feels like there's a big gaping hole in our family. I'm missing him a lot.

That said, my DH , my DD and I are all angry with him for not getting in touch. He owes us all money and I feel like he needs a kick up the backside for being irresponsible like this.

Needing to moan and also needing emotional support.Confused

Don't know how to deal with/ conjure up / feel the Christmas spirit without him.
Any suggestions would be welcome. [santa]

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 20/12/2015 07:48

I suspect he will be back,in time, and you may not need to do a lot, except prepare for him to be very defensive about the fact that he owes money, and probably needs more money, as he may find it tougher than he thought.

It is the age when all such issues tend to happen, you are not alone . Hope others are along soon to chat about similar situations Brew Cake

Original poster
Dearsonta · 20/12/2015 08:18

Thanks for your reply Midsummabreak.
I can't see us lending him anymore money. First we don't have enough. Second I want to retrain myself and want to save up to pay for my training. Third we had an agreement that he would stay in our property rent free for a fee months. In exchange he was going to do some work on it whilst studying for his new qualification . Fourthly one of the friends he had in his last job has been in touch with us because he lent DS some money and my DS neither picks up or answers the lad's text messages. My DH and I have decided to pay the money to his friend. Fifthly we have said we disagreed with his moving out under the circumstances. Sixthly enough is enough. Seventh , he's got a trade already and if he's not got enough money to retrain and pay his rent he'll have to get a job .
I am frightened how determined I sound. If he comes back ask

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearsonta · 20/12/2015 08:20

Oops - went off too soon.

  • If he comes back asking for money and we say no, then I'm worried we won't see him again for ages.
OP posts:
Penfold007 · 20/12/2015 08:39

Your son is an adult and free to make his own choices but he also needs to live with any consequences.
I wouldn't pay off his debt to his friend, they can pursue that themselves.
Realistically none of the family is likely to get any money back from him. Don't lend him anymore.
Give him plenty of space and privacy. If he wants to get in touch he will, it's very early days.

smileyforest · 20/12/2015 12:59

Hi OP. These things always feel worse this time of year, no matter what your son has done of course you miss him, its emotionally hard for you, you want your family complete at this time of year. I miss my son too, totally different circumstances, and Christmas won't feel the same but will struggle through it. I hope you get through it too and New Year brings better things and your son understands the pain he has caused his family and your are reconciled, Good Luck x

Original poster
Dearsonta · 31/12/2015 09:11

Hello,
I very much appreciated your replies. I thought about them whilst I was doing the preparations snd felt less lonely so thanks.

In fact my son got in touch 3 days before Christmas and all was going well until we went round to his new flat a couple of days later for a cuppa. Couldn't believe my eyes !
The number of things he'd helped himself to from the family home to furnish his own place !

When his girlfriend was out of earshot I said "we'll talk about what you've "borrowed " another time.

Surprise,surprise - he's not answering the phone anymore. It's so frustrating and I'm really angry with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearsonta · 31/12/2015 09:17

Smileyforest I'm sad to hear that you've got a similar situation - though it's not the same in other ways. How are your circumstances different ?

I hope you had quite a happy Christmas. Also, I wish you a happy New Year's Eve tonight and I am thinking about you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearsonta · 31/12/2015 09:20

Forgot to add - due to the suggestion offered here , I decided not to pay off his debt yet.

OP posts:
smileyforest · 31/12/2015 16:35

Desrsonta
My son is mentally ill through smoking cannabis, Yes I have my son physically but he isn't my boy I had. It's been heartbreaking, he was here on Christmas Day and he did come out of room to share some time with his brothers and sister, I have a magical photograph of them together. He is quite unstable and not accepting help. Today he has gone walking again and we never know if he will come back. Reported missing twice. I just want him back and well. Happy New Year to you x

junebirthdaygirl · 31/12/2015 19:11

Keep him touch with him sending him little messages now and then. He is very young still and may grow out of this phase. Could you invite him and his girlfriend around for a meal and treat them all grown up. Don't bring up about the house stuff for the moment. Is he your oldest child. One trait of oldest children is thinking everything in the house belongs to them. My oldest guy was like that helping himself to stuff even belonged to his siblings and was totally taken aback when we made an issue of it. He has improved. Now 25 and at least asks but sometimes would shock you the things he asks for like his dad's brand new jacket one week old. Stick with him but no loans.

Original poster
Dearsonta · 01/01/2016 11:22

Happy New Year to you all.
Thankyou for your answers.

Smileyforest I understand what you mean now. That must be really hard for you and the others in your family too. How old is your son ? Have you got any help to deal with this problem ? How does he fund his habit ? I send you a big hug.

Junebirthdaygirl I appreciate your suggestion about keeping in contact with my son. Also, I am happy to feel less alone and to hear that your own son has improved on the pinching/borrowing score over the years in part because you all confronted him. Here, I have told my DH what my DS has taken and he us really mad. I can't see a family meal being a good idea just yet but when my DH and I can get it together I'll see if we can do that. Shockfor your DH's new jacket . (Actually that did make me laugh). In answer to your question he's my youngest there I was thinking this must be a trait of youngest children.

Last night my DH and I left a message on his phone saying Happy New Year but I don't know if he'll listen to his phone. I get the impression he doesn't. He told me he's lost his charger.

Since I found out that DS took so much stuff I've started going round the house and sorting out the locks. At the moment I'm on holiday but next week I will be back at work so I want the house locked up properly. That way he can't come and take stuff when we're not around. We're working a bit on that today and then we're going on a NYD's walk to enjoy our day too.

I send you kisses

OP posts:
smileyforest · 01/01/2016 13:17

Happy New Year.
DS has stopped everything now. He is under the Mental Health Care Team. Just hope for some recovery in 2016 x

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