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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My mum has been giving my daughter cigarettes

24 replies

JoJo3574 · 13/12/2015 21:43

My Daughter was caught smoking at the age of 16. She is now 19 and no longer lives at home. Her behaviour became disgraceful. Stealing, lying etc. Made family life hell. My mum has been supplying her with cigarettes since she was 15. My mum is still supplying her now, even though she knows I don't approve. This had led to a huge argument and is threatening Christmas.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 13/12/2015 21:53

She Doesn't live at home and is 19..... An adult.... Let it go

PolterGoose · 13/12/2015 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 13/12/2015 22:04

I know she is an adult. I just feel so let down by my mum she went behind my back for 4 years. My mum is in the final stages of COPD and not long left for this world. All because of smoking

OP posts:

Helenluvsrob · 13/12/2015 22:17

She's an adult let go and await her return to you when she matures. She will hopefully, sadly also learn about he evils of smoking when your mum becomes v unwell with her lung issues, which is sadly what will happen.

clippityclop · 13/12/2015 22:18

I take it you don't smoke and your mum does? If so you should ask your mother why she is encouraging your daughter to damage her health. Does your daughter live alone or with a boyfriend?

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 13/12/2015 22:21

Meant to say mum started smoking atv14

OP posts:

IguanaTail · 13/12/2015 22:24

If your mum is not long for this world then don't spend the last months you have with her rowing about this.

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 13/12/2015 22:30

No I don't and never have. My mum started smoking at 14 and says it was the worst thing she ever did. I have pleaded with my mum on numerous occasions not to encourage my daughter. It has fallen on deaf ears. The most recent incident of her giving my daughter cigarettes was to get my daughter to visit her in hospital to take her out for a cigarette. Mum was rushed in with breathing difficulties

OP posts:

starry0ne · 13/12/2015 22:31

I think giving at 15 is different...

At 19 you need to let it go.. Esp if your mum is so ill...My friend was a heavy smoker who watched a close friend die of COPD...She has never smoked since.

Sadly the thing with teens is they think it doesn't apply to them...

I would work on trying to build and adult relationship with your DD now she is 19 and with your mum.. make sure you do nothing you regret

IguanaTail · 13/12/2015 22:32

It's indefensible. But she's your mum. And in a couple of years time you will look back on this time and really regret it if the whole time is spent with you feeling angry and rowing with her.

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 13/12/2015 22:36

The lies and deceit have completely destroyed the relationship with my daughter. It now appears to be beyond repair

OP posts:

YeOldeTrout · 14/12/2015 18:01

Is this really about smoking fags?

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 14/12/2015 18:09

No it's more about the deceit of my daughter and my mum, going behind my back and lying to me. Also the fact that my mum regrets her choices, but has been pushing them on to my daughter

OP posts:

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 14/12/2015 18:18

Also bear in mind that my Daughter had no money of her own to fund her smoking. I got to the point where I slept ith my purse in my bedroom, she was often stealing money fromole from my mum as well. This goes way beyond just the element of smoking

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 14/12/2015 18:22

It was dreadful of your mum to give her cigarettes when she was underage but your daughter is now an adult. This is not worth ruining Christmas for, especially if your mums so poorly.

wannabestressfree · 14/12/2015 18:48

I doubt very much its a case of your mum 'pushing' the choices she regrets onto your daughter but rather your daughter grounding an older lady down until she gave in.

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 14/12/2015 18:51

Once my mum knew, she freely offered them, my daughter didn't need to persuade her

OP posts:

IguanaTail · 14/12/2015 20:06

What do you want people to say? That you should fall out with your dying mother or alienate your own daughter?

MrsGradyOldLady · 14/12/2015 20:17

Maybe your mum gave her them to stop her stealing? Yes it's wrong and I would be angry too but my lovely ex Mil has COPD and it's horrendous. And I still smoke.

wannabestressfree · 14/12/2015 20:26

Shared hobby? :)

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 15/12/2015 00:34

Sadly it did not stop the stealing. She took my mums bank card and spent several hundred pounds.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 15/12/2015 20:45

I wonder what you want from this thread...You seem very angry at mum and DD....

I wonder if some counselling is going to help..

It sounds like there is an long back history here and it isn't about giving some fags..

Original poster

JoJo3574 · 16/12/2015 14:49

No you are right, there is much more to this than just cigarette's. My mum knows my disapproval of smoking and has encouraged it deceitfully behind my back since my daughter was 15, and still does which continues to fuel further arguments.

My daughter stole and is continuing to steal from family and friends, it is embarrassing being confronted in public because of something my Daughter has done to someone else.

She is a compulsive liar, and cannot accept responsibility for her own actions. I am sick of her twisting and manipulating stories to put other people around her in a bad light.

I have tried since she was 13 to get help for her behaviour, being failed by social services and every other authority around. We did try a family course of therapy when she was around 13, but it did nothing as she refused to open up. But I would be prepared to try again.

I just feel very lost. I have no other family in the UK, No one I can turn to for help, her father and I don't get along. I have tried to speak with him and be civil for the sake of the children, he deems communication inappropriate now we are separated. Been separated 11 years now.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 16/12/2015 18:10

I think you need counselling for yourself...

Your mum is Dying... My Dad died I never shed a tear and don't regret not speaking to him again but not many people feel my way...With your mum you need to get to a point of no regrets...

I think you need support to help with your feelings about DD ( while I can't imagine what you have been through) to feel this way is at odd against what is nature... So yes some help of how to work forward with your DD... not saying it has to be a relationship just a way to deal with it.

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