Abusive DS, please help.

[MrsFring]

DS, just turned 18, is breaking me. He has an older sister (20, at uni) and a younger sister who's just turned 15. My H works abroad mon-fri and has done so for 8 years so most of the parenting falls to me. DD's and I have long fuses and are pretty chilled by nature. We have, and have always had,lovely relationships with each other and I am very proud of them both.

DS has always been stormy and volatile; his temper is very similar to that of his dad and his paternal grandfather. My issue is with his verbal abuse of me. This morning he called me a 'fucking bitch' 'fucking cunt' and 'fucking arsehole' before he left for school. This happens pretty much every day. I've tried to ignore, tried sending to his room and tried calming explaining that trying to alienate me won't work and I will carry on loving him regardless. His arrogance is breathtaking. He quite deliberately ruined my birthday lunch last weekend just because he could; he told his younger sister that he wasn't worried as 'mum always forgives me'.

He's retaking yr12 so I'm stuck with him for another year and a half before he goes to uni. I can't stand much more. I'm in tears every day. Please help.

Feeling harsh today having gone through a nightmare few months with my ds. I had decided that if rudeness and verbal ( and occasional physical) abuse continued I would ask why he bothers living with me at all. Had worked out where else he could live but as if by magic, I got my nice ds back at the weekend. So, my harsh and rather bitter words of wisdom - where else could he live? Would you put up with that behaviour from anyone else you live with?
I think my ds sensed my mood of understanding the strains of puberty had changed and that he was living dangerously by pushing a loyal person to beyond the limit.
I feel for you so much - it is a very painful experience. If it helps, I understand what you are going through - as, unfortunately, will many others.

Thanks Jinsky, you've made me cry (in a good way).

Mrs F it sounds awful for you. How is he at school/ college? I have had a similar experience with a younger DC with a similar temperament to DH, and very different to my other children.
In our case, we had a late Aspergers diagnosis, and I have since realised DH is probably undiagnosed himself. I am not saying your son has ASD, but for us, it really helped in understanding his behaviour and reactions.

He's perfect at college, very well behaved and hard-working. It's interesting that you mention ASD, it's rife in both our families and my older Dd has it (probably) yet she is the sweetest, gentlest person I know. The depressing truth is that it's probably learnt behaviour. My H used to be an aggressive bully to me and DS ( never the girls), culminating in a brief affair two years ago. Since then, H has been a totally changed man but has, I fear, laid the foundations for my sons behaviour towards me. H's father was exactly the same.

I feel like such a fucking failure, my son is likely to turn into the kind of man I despise the most; the chap who's nicey-nicey at work and then comes home and bullies his family.

The fireside devil. There have been tons of them on MN.

For one thing, OP, I'd set him straight on the forgiveness. I'd assure him that actually, given he spoiled your birthday on purpose, you won't actually forgive that. And I'd ask where he intends to live, since he clearly doesn't like living with you.

Have you spoken to anyone in college about this? There are assisted living homes available for teenagers.

I really feel for you, Mrs F. It's an awful situation to be in. I'm a LP and DS1 has really put me through the mill over the last few years. He's 23 now and, due to repeated unacceptable behaviour he is no longer living with me. In the past 5 years Ive had to tell him to leave three times and each time he's been away for around 9 months before I give him another chance.

So I can't tell you that it gets easier, but I've certainly got stronger and more determined not to be bullied by him again. I'll never stop loving him, Ive told him that on many occasions and this week, after 2 months of minimal contact, he's come over and we've chatted again. Sadly Ive given up hoping that things will ever get back to normal, I have 2 other DC that watch it all happening and the drama has become our 'normal'.

Thank you so much for your replies. I wondered about going on strike; no cooking, doing laundry, no Christmas presents even. Harsh? I feel so conflicted as DS has had a tougher time with H so all my instincts are to give my son more support, not less.

MrsFring he's an adult.
You do need him to know that actually treating the person who loves you the most like shit isn't acceptable. It needs to happen.

If you don't show him, who will?
It's not as if he doesn't know, he's not like it with other people is he?

It does need to happen. I keep imagining how I'd feel if my future daughter in law turned up with a black eye. It could happen.

My stepson causes his mum and dad no end of grief. He is 22. He still plays them off against one another and because his mum and dad don't talk it often plays into his hands. However now he has reached his 20's the tables are turning, his dad has wised up to him and his mum has become stronger. I feel for my stepsons mum in all this as it often falls on the mums shoulders to sort out. I don't know what the answer is, I'm often watching all this unfold and I have my opinions but ultimately if he was my own son I don't really know what you can do but try the tough love approach. I personally think that once someone is in their 20's it's very hard for them to change.