Helping my daughter through boyfriend's suicide - any advice appreciated

[lincolnshirelassy]

DD is 15. Ten days ago her 16 year old boyfriend took his own life. They had been together for 18 months but in then weeks before his death had been arguing all the time as she was concerned about his mental health and he was also using drugs.

The first week afterwards was quite hellish and we were very concerned she would follow suit as she talked about wanting to be with him and not wanting a life without him. She is now much better, though develops very low moods every now and then. We have some fantastic support at school with a counsellor on hand to help her and she has some brilliant friends. She has been talking positively about the future, planning to raise awareness of teen mental health issues, is trying to re-engage with school and has dyed her hair! She seems to be coping as well as you would expect.

Still I am terribly anxious and worried for her. I just wanted to know if anyone has been through this and how I can best help her when she feels low?

For you both. And for the poor lad. It sounds as if you're doing all the right things. What support do you have?

We have a great counsellor at school who is the first port of call, but they will refer her to Cruse too if she needs nit. Children's Services have also done an assessment to see she is properly supported, but to be honest the support she has in school is fantastic and will hopefully see her through.

I guess just being with her and letting her talk and comforting her.

How are you Lincoln?

We're OK thanks. She had a meltdown yesterday, not sad, very angry. Mainly directed at me because as she says I am closest to her. Today has been better and she is out with friends. Funeral on Monday so we just need to get through that.

Your poor DD
Grief manifests itself in all kinds of ways. You sound like you're doing everything you can to support her. I think letting her grieve in her own way and being there when she wants to talk/laugh/cry/shout is all you can really do.
Things may be difficult after the funeral because it's a feeling of it being over if that makes sense, and of course it takes much longer to heal after something like this.
She sounds like she's coping as well as she possibly could be.
Huge hugs for you, your DD and your family

Thank you. Right now she's doing well. I am prepared for the fact that she will probably go downhill a bit after the funeral, but hopefully we will get her through it with love an support. She is in a great group of four friends who have been an absolute lifeline for her.

If she has talked about raising awareness maybe channeling her energy there as a starting place. Could you possible do some research with her into support groups.

Hi Patter, her counsellor at school is going to have her work alongside her after Christmas on mental health presentations she gives. She is also going to help her organise work experience in mental health. It all sounds very positive. I guess I'm just over anxious, a 15 year old should not have to go through this! But perhaps it will make her stronger in the long run.

Try here for support uk-sobs.org.uk/suicide-bereavement/supporting-the-bereaved/supporting-friends-and-family/

No you're not over anxious, it's something we hope our children never have to cope with especially at such a young age. But you sound like a fabulous mum and I'm sure you will be her rock in the coming months.

Really struggling today. Two hours of angry screaming at me this morning. I know this is her way of dealing with her grief, but she directs it all at me and I am finding it hard to take. Can anyone suggest how I can help manage her anger in a kind and compassionate way, but firm enough that she stop being so aggressive towards me?

OP I experienced very similar at the same age. it was not a suicide but an accidental death. It affected the rest of my life. I was virtually left to deal with it and cope on my own. My parents never knew exactly how deeply i was affected. You are doing wonderfully to support your DD the way you do, carry on, she will really appreciate it later! I think some long walks coupled with a lot of talking and a drink in a nice pub/cafe will be nice. Maybe you can enroll her on some active sport training, such as boxing, martial arts of some kind, where she can spend the energy and anger. Try and organise some time away if you can, perhaps a nice holiday somewhere, different to anything you have done previously. I would not leave her on her own for a long period in the first year at all. At some point I was taken to a hypnotist as i could not stop thinking about him and this really bothered me. Through hypnosis I managed to get him out of my mind and to function properly. Good luck to your DD and to yourself.