I despair at my son and his lack of commitment to school

[Jerseyknit]

I feel like a failure when it comes to getting my son to work at school. Over the years I've paid for private tuition, I've supported his music lessons and always encouraged him to work hard. He is 13, has gcse's coming up and the school are offering him extra help but he just can't be arsed. I work full time, mostly at home but that's not always been the case. I've paid to have a friend's very capable older older brother to help him improve his work but he just doesn't want to put the work in. I'm really not sure what else I can do. If I ground him or take away his pocket money I don't think it will make much difference. Any strategies will be very gratefully received? Please (begging and pleading face and on my knees)

Thanks so much everyone. Yes, he's 13 and has 2 GCSE's coming up before his 14th birthday. My friend has agreed to take him to work with him. He's works in the music industry and my son is interested (I use that word loosely) in music, in fact, it's one of his GCSE's. Another friend is putting me in touch with a youth coach. Honestly, I'll try anything. I'm not too worried about him making his own career choices when he leaves school but I want him to do as well as he can while he's there. If I don't push him, and I really don't push him very hard, who will! I know I can't force him and I also know it would be counter productive. I just love him and want him to see the benefits of putting in a bit of effort. He's a capable boy.

tbh I blame the school.

If they are putting them in for GCSEs in y9 2 years before the age they are intended to sit them, it is not surprising that some, possibly many kids aren't mature enough to focus on them.

From what DD1 reported, there is a big difference in general attitude to work in y9 and that in y11. (DD1 did GCSEs this summer).

Sorry, nothing actually constructive to add (I'm not allowed to say change schools, am I?)

Thanks teen. I said the same to the school. I'm not sure changing school will make any difference now but I hear you.

Do these 2 GCSEs matter?

You could let him do them his own way, and see how he gets on?

Maybe agree with him a grade he wants to achieve that's realistic but let him do it his way?

Then if he gets his target then fine.

If he doesn't you are then allowed to nag more in year 10? (Will the school be making him take more at the end of y10 too?)

Entering pupils for early GCSEs is often not in their interests.

Great idea getting your friend to take him to work. Children are not often blessed with foresight, and don't know what a workplace involves. It may make him clearer about what he wants/how to get there.

Honestly? It took failing all his AS levels for my son to realise that actually nothing will be handed to him on a plate. He is now working much harder.

My DS sounds a bit similar. He is 14 and in Year 10 so GCSEs next year. He has just had a bit of a shock with exam results as he put in no effort and failed maths and geography. Struggled a lot with Spanish didn't do as bad as he thought in the end.

School have repeatedly said that boys in particular at that age can be like that - lazy that is. We were told he would improve this year. My worry is that he is an August birthday so might not improve u till next year!

We are in touch with the school in an effort to make sure he is pushed a bit more. Business Studies teacher was a bit surprised when I said I would have refused to mark a piece of homework that DS had gotten a C for. It was terrible! If I had handed that up at school it would have been thrown across the classroom at me. Irish convent school in the late 70s.

I agree that it is hard if hey don't know what they want to do. DS also feels he is rubbish at maths which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I know exactly how you feel about you being the only one who will push your DC into doing well at school. And the importance school results.

However there comes a point when the motivation has to come from him. He won't always have someone there to push him. I pushed my DD as best as I could (which wasn't very far as she is strong willed) with the result that she did quite well at school. First year of uni and she nearly came a cropper through lack of application and a misplaced belief that it usually seems to work out okay somehow or other.

It's so hard to know why they aren't working. Is it a reaction to feeling under pressure, desire to take control and exercise a growing need to make their own choices, fear of failure, laziness, feeling that they can put on a burst nearer exam time? What would happen if he doesn't do well with his early exams - only two of them? Would he realise for himself if he didn't do well that he needs to do more work? Without too much damage to his results; it's his A levels that really matter.

It's so scary though. My DS is in his Scottish equivalent of A levels year and it's a nightmare.