It's all so bloody difficult! 14 year old dd

[Evabeaversprotege]

I've posted here before about dd but I think it was ages ago.

She's been seen by camhs & is now on the waiting list to be assessed for asd. (Suspected aspergers)

This has all happened out of the blue but it didn't come as a surprise either (I know how daft that sounds). I always thought there were traits & certain behaviours that tied in with asd but she's good at school, seemed to have good friends etc but after a doctor appointment she was referred to peads, then camhs & now waiting the asd assessment.

Her moods are swinging so badly - she's had her periods for about two years now so this isn't new and the mood swings are worse when she's due on.

She has exams next week and this means pure hell for the rest of the family. If ds (11) puts the TV on he's yelled at (too loud, distracting, annoying) even if it's perfectly OK.

I had the hoover on earlier & she walked up & switched it off as she couldn't concentrate.... I was at the other end of the house to both her bedroom & the study.

Dh I'd accused of laughing too loud & distracting her from studying.

None of us can do anything right - she is (and probably always has been) a very controlling girl. One of her friends called her moody yesterday which has caused her distress but tbh I can see where her friend is coming from.

Camhs gave her coping strategies, booklets to work through (which she hasn't) she doesn't seem to want to help herself yet we're all tiptoeing around her all the time.

I filled in the questionnaire for the asd assessment & I was 100% honest, but I found it geared towards children rather than a teenager.

I love dd, she can be kind, funny, happy, but only ever if she wants to be.

I don't even know what advice I want - do any of you have asd/suspected teens who can offer me some advice on coping?

As it is, she has only told two friends & her cousin that she's struggling with anxiety & this makes it more difficult.

No-one?

Hopefully someone will have some experience.

I don't have any experience I am afraid. I do have a 14yo DD but appear to have not been inflicted teenage woes, it was much worse when she was 12 and starting her periods, so I understand that at least.

Here are some

I am sure I am not going to be helpful, but the one thing in your post (probably strangely) that struck me was the hoover incident. Whatever the underlying issues are, that's just rude to me and I wouldn't allow either of mine to do such a thing. Whatever.

After I had bollocked either of mine for such an action I would have explained, calmly, to them that the most appropriate action here is to get my attention, then tell me politely they are trying to study and, sorry, but the noise is really distracting etc.

DH has bi-polar. It's been a rocky road. My lovely GP once told me, when I was nearing the end of my emotional tether, was not to make allowances or excuses for what is simply bad behaviour and not condition related. It helped me take control or back a bit of me somehow.

I think what I am saying (or maybe, I don't know!!), she can't be allowed to control the whole mood of the house.

Although, teens are sent to test the limits of our sanity sometimes , even the most saintly ones!

Is she rude and bullying at school? If not, it's a boundary problem not a mental health issue.

I don't have an asd teen but I do have an asd 3.5 year old who suffers terribly with noise sensitivity - would your dd consider wearing ear defenders (from Amazon) or ear plugs if normal noises are upsetting her? Noise sensory problems are really difficult for those with asd and can actually feel painful.

If you haven't already have a look at the national autistic society website for some help and advice.

Her hormone-related mood swings will be helped by taking a good quality multi-vitamin supplement for women of child-bearing age. It should have B-vitamins, EFA's and chromium.

Does she have problems with relaxing? I know it's so much easier said than done, but regular exercise might help her moods. And magnesium spray at night is relaxing.

Is she sleep-deprived (on her phone in bed half the night)?

Thanks everyone.

Corygal - not bullying, but socially awkward in school. She does like to lead rather than follow but the group of friends she is with seem to keep her in line.
I do agree with there being boundary issues though - something we're trying to work on following meeting with camhs.

Fairylea, she does have sensory problems (can hear a ticking clock, hates cutlery on plates) but the hoover incident was pure spite & (imo) an attempt to provoke a row so she'd have an excuse to avoid studying.

I will look at the autistic society website but any amount of help she is given means nothing if she doesn't carry out her part - does that make sense?

Relaxation, she watches TV & reads? She can be on her phone/ipod at times but definitely not late at night or in middle of night as we remove it at bed time.

Thanks everyone

It's so difficult, isn't it, when it comes down to a battle of wills in part - you just have to persevere and make sure she gets disincentives to carry on.

My 14 year old dd is pretty easy-going, I think, when I read all the horror stories on Mumsnet.

However, she does have extreme mood swings, can be utterly selfish and utterly horrible to the rest of us. I thought that was to be expected and pretty normal?

She's probably anxious over her exams or has she been moody all along? Suggest maybe after her papers you guys can spend some family time outdoors, to build up the bond at the same time, release all the pent up stress.

Perhaps you can also speak with her on maintaining such boundaries of respect at home; in that when exams are near, the family will cooperate but not expected to revolve around her as others have their own businesses to deal with as well?

Sometimes teenagers have tendencies to see only themselves in their world, and expect things to work around them.
(speaking from personal experience as well)

Don't take what she says too much to heart. It's what she does that really matters. Perhaps you could try to ignore most of the grumbles/drama attempts. Whatever you do, try to react calmly without much 'judgement'. Acknowledge/praise any desirable behaviour however small, hardworking/tidy/tolerant of other people's untidiness/not obsessed with her appearance; anything really.

I have a 36 year old son with Aspergers. Noises drive him flipping crazy. Most, with this diagnosis, have some sort of sensory sensitivity.